3 Sardines In a Can

I often…often…must remind myself that I cannot ruminate upon the days when I had “everything”.
SO many others have never had the life i eked out for myself….although…none of it was ever given to me.
My parents never talked about college that I can remember…so oddly…college never really entered my mind in high school….really all that entered my mind was how to get out of the house.
It wasn’t until later in my 30’s, and after a short military stint, I realized that college was for me.
I spent 5 years on college. I loved it. I never wanted to leave, I wanted to keep learning EVERYTHING there was to learn about the world and how it was captured by academia and presented to us, the hungry little birds.
Ultimately I would say I had 10-15 GOOD years of “prosperity” in the sense that I didn’t lack for things…..and I honestly still believe that I was very generous with my money…to any and all who had a need.
I don’t believe in telling anyone about the good things I (we?) do in much detail if at all, as I still have burned into my being, the wise words of Jesus, and those from Proverbs and the Psalms.

Although I’ve evolved to a p lace in my life, where, spiritually, I do not accept many things from the Bible as ultimate truth, as history and science has painstakingly proved, and even my own long and arduous journeys have come to show me personally.

That’s neither here nor there I would think….insomuch that I’m not about to argue that issue with anyone….we all work out out own paths…that much I am convinced of.
This fact has made me decidedly less judge mental in the larger issues in life…..as I am not walking in your shoes, I cannot say this is right or this is the wrong path to take….generally speaking.

Still….the depression from childhood onward seems to tap my shoulder just when I think I’m even a little bit ahead of it…and offer me a outside view of my life.

Three sardines in a can.

I get these glimpses….of what one must think of who I am….if they were to simply drive past my “can” ….lol…(not really “lol” though).

It creates this knot in my throat and chest. I think I must, in some manner or another, (if I were to be totally honest with myself), always feel some, mostly unconscious, (in the very moment), always have some underlying need to go one way or the other: try to convey to others that I’m not….how shall I say it..? Trailer trash??

What a terrible, terrible concept….and yes, I’ve been guilty of thinking it of others in the distant past, myself….and here I am.
Here I am.

Mostly, it’s just way too much effort to try to convey to others “who” I am…..as there’s .so very likely a preconceived idea of that already…simply by appearances.

I know that I must fight the urge to “feel sorry for myself”…and I don’t think I literally feel sorry for myself, but more so I think I feel simple sorrow and defeat and yet I lack courage I know. I lack courage b/c I can’t off myself.
I’ve come to accept more and more of the Buddhist teachings and if they’re true at all, or even if everything “Christianity” teaches is true, or moreover, if what most people SAY is true…I’d be in for worse trouble if I did that….perhaps even that of having to do this allllllll over again in another life….dear God…..how awful…what terrible justice…..

I don’t know….WHAT triggers my descents in mood…..other than what I know academically, theoretically, and psychologically; brain chemicals off kilter and….environment.

“Environment” meaning, from childhood on, how things “went”.
I know that we can beat and break cycles in familial issues…we can go one way or the other….with it or against it.

I did go against it….got an education, worked hard, helped others, (even as a profession), never ever abused my children in any way…..etc…ad naseum.
Still, I think….here we are 3 sardines in a can. Roomy enough to move around but still a can….
What? Should I want for to be homeless?? That’s the voice I hear in my head….scolding my own thoughts.

Self indulgence and 3 sardines in a can.
Is it self indulgence to ruminate? Am I ruminating?

Depression is….something I’ve avoided owning insomuch as possibly “embracing” but not embracing in the general understanding of the term.
I feel I must be open about this horrid disease.
I won’t go to those I know well about it….I don’t want to bring them down or make them feel guilty…or make them feel as though it’s too …DEPRESSING…to be around me….

So…I think to myself for many months…HOW…does one accept the ownership of a disease and still be able to hold it at arms distance and say to it; “You cannot have me. You might steal me for a time…but I think..I’ll break free of you over and over and over…” ?

One way to do that, possibly is to express it here….where any reader/s can turn away from it…..turn away from the ugliness of it….for who can bare it for longer than a moment or so without feeling burdened?

I think not many if any at all.

So I’m safe here in that respect. If you read this and just can’t stand it…you can click your mouse and I’m gone.
That easy.
And that makes me feel better.

But what can I do to not only bond with others who suffer from something that…..really, only the bearer of the disease can wrap their minds around?
And…not so much “bond” as make it not a ….disease that is too often perceived by others as a weakness?

I can’t be considered “weak” can I…? Living in conditions that are so…out of my zone of knowing….so cold in winter, so hot in summer…..tiny, cramped, ugly, but worse of all….NEVER, EVER …..ever…feels like “home”.

Yes, it is that sense of “home” that I miss and need and hurt for so much.

Am I weak when I battle an organic brain disease that was the instrument composing the background music to the losses of everything I once had?
Maybe….I hope not…I don’t want to be.

I do fear….that…the combination of two separate diseases; one easily seen in an MRI, etc…and one only seen with the eyes that look back at me in the mirror….will one day just become too much. I fear that but I almost…hope for it….if I ended this sadness in the midst of being totally out of my socially acceptable" mind, then perhaps my karma wouldn’t be so harsh in the afterlife.
silly thoughts…..
Self Indulgence?
I hope not.
I think calling those who know me and blathering on like this would be quite self indulgent.
They don’t want to hear it.
Who can blame them…..

My work calls out to me but the voice is distant and weak…..just the same as doing my yoga or taking a walk….or doing the dishes……just…can’t….get…there….

I went to one of the properties that is seemingly abandoned…the property that I had an experience at. I went the other day. Alone. Silly girl.
Not even the boys with me.

I wanted to get more shots at different angles. There’s a total of at least 8 abandoned houses, sheds, garages, etc…on that property. It’s amazing there.
It kind of seems like possibly someone…is using it for….something …as this time there were about 10 brand new truck bed covers…you know, those black hard plastic ones, stacked up against one of the buildings….and there were voices. I kept going towards the voices, quietly, softly, with caution, but as I neared them, they stopped.
I felt cautious but protected. Can’t say why.

I always enter abandoned buildings or properties telling the “realm” that I come in peace…to preserve the memories….not to ever hurt or steal or take away from it. I always surround myself with white light.
Maybe that’s why…maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe I needed to feel alive by doing something risky….but I’m not big on that idea…not like me to do that….

As I grow artistically, I feel like there’s a million puzzle pieces in my head…I see them all and even feel them…and each puzzle piece needs to attach to the right connecting piece, and so forth and so on……

All those pieces are fragmented ideas that I sense strongly growing within me…and I get the sense that when I get close to getting the entire puzzle together I will have learned how to START truly and freely, almost without regard, express my own point of view on what we all see (or not see).
I know when I reach that, there will be another puzzle of sorts…or perhaps it will be some other metaphor……don’t know.

I have only one person who looks at my work every day and that’s my caregiver.
Because I could have a seizure anytime or could get meningitis 10 hours from now, without warning, I must have a caregiver and that’s cool with me.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to make a mark in the world again.

I used to.
Make a differnce, that is…a “mark”.

Will I make one again… through this medium?
I hope so …..very much hope for that. But wanting isn’t the same as having. I either have it or I don’t. can I turn what I used to have into this form of expression and create…some…..thing….of any relevancy at all?

Or am I jut a wannabe photographer/graphic manipulator?

Don’t answer that. I have to know for myself. Of course you’ll say yes yes yes you’re talented for never having any training etc….etc….bless you for your prepared fingers to type the easily expressed platitudes.

What a bunch of garbage I jut wrote.
I wonder if I’ll actually post it??

I’m not making any sense.
I need a cigarette don’t I Mr Tobacco Company….lol…
Murphy, Mogley, myself….and I’m smoking three sardines in a can….stupid thought.

My hands are freezing. In a few months I’ll be overheated. (MUCH more dangerous to my brain disease)…..3 sardines in a can and we all have nothing but each other.
That’s enough for me…or at least I’m trying to tell myself that….over and over and over and over again.

I think there’s a bit of madness in those of us who are the most deeply creative. Maybe it’s more of a neurosis….but we’re good at imagery, poor at relationships…?

I could’ve had my pick and still can, of several relationships (you know, the intimate type), and yet I find within me this weird cringing away when I try and a feeling of desperate-ness to get back to my sardine can.

I’ve done a LOT…..of my journaling on myspace for the last year. I need to migrate all of that here….as I feel a need to stay away from myspace but not for any real specific reason.
My “friends” on there are all of the……altruistically spiritual bend….I still have not been able to re-enter that world for quite some time.

All of this is a lot of nothing. Blah, blah, blah……now what just came crashing down in the back room I wonder…..? Ahh, who cares….tired of trying to find a corner to wedge this or that into….let it fall….lol..probably the cat trying to find a warm space somewhere.

I remember how I found my husband….so lost to the world….drugging, drinking a gallon of rum a day…and not one difference in his bubbly personality either…and how I helped him…..

I really believed I had helped him out of that horrible black hole of alcoholism and using.
I’ve never had addiction or drinking issues…I got the depression gene…..can’t blame the parent for being depressed, as that parent likely went through hell growing up, and the parent b4 that…..and on and on it goes.

Once he was dry and sober we eventually married….and 8 years of wedded bliss later and cruises, and giving him everything his heart ever desired but would never be able to achieve on his own….I got sick. Within a year he was gone.

I just recently learned that he fathered a child during our wedded bliss….

I finally owned to a male friend the other day….that what my “husband” (See? I still don’t say EX husband…although he most certainly is, and remarried at that), that what B (what I will refer to as my husband’s name), did to me, is tragically and horribly ….still with me in present time as though it just only happened….
I remember…..we were in his car when I admitted that….and from my peripheral vision I glimpsed his enthusiastic nodding of his head…..STOP THAT….can I at least own something without an aggressive agreement….lol….
My friend told me that I bring up B almost 5 days a week…..and I felt like a rock was shoved down my throat….
He said that what B did was horrific…unimaginable….and he didn’t blame me….(thanx so much…) lol….
Yet, he seized the moment to remind me that I need to find a way to let it go…..and he’s right…but I don’t know how.

That all happened over 5 years ago….or is it 6 now..?
Still the abandonment and betrayal and acute cruelty is “present time” with me.
I have no idea how to make that not be the case
I have no closure there. I’ve tried. God knows it.

I’m not always sad…..
I do need to get it out though. Perhaps look at it on the page and see it differently.
Physician heal thyself…..and all that jazz.

No comments are necessary….really. I recognize this as a bunch of hodgepodge in my head….don’t need any “you can make it kiddo”s and all that.
I love you guys! I really DO. But there really aren’t words that go with this.
It just is whatever it is.


Journal Comments

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