The Difference Between You and I

Bang! And then I was no more, lifeless and corpse-like falling to the cold, hard ground that was known as the Earth. There was no one to hold me, and no one to catch my dead, gushing body as I fell. It kind of made me think, in that split second before I hit the ground, about how much I hadn’t done in my short, cut off life. I hadn’t been to Niagara Falls, nor to Hawaii, come to think of it, I hadn’t even been out of Alberta.
“What a waste of a life,” I thought.
“Why didn’t I take more risks?” I asked myself again.
“How could she have done that to me?” I wondered.
She was my one and only true love. She had glistening brown hair, always kept in that perfect way she always had it; straightened and conditioned in such a way that it was like an art of sorts. It reflected the light in the room such that everything inside the room became brighter and the mood lifted if there was any tension. Her smile could have been comparable to that of an angel’s; her white, glossy teeth and the pure joy shown within them made any bummed out soul the expression was directed at fill with a sense of happiness and start to beam a smile back at her. Her beautiful blue eyes only added to the angelic smile and when she looked at me with those eyes, it made me never want to see her cry. She also had the utmost ideal feminine body shape that I had ever seen; all of the right curves in the right places, like the models seen on T.V., but not so skinny that her ribs are showing. Her face was flawless and round shaped with a pointed chin, not a blemish to be found anywhere on that warm, silky smooth surface. It was one of those faces that always told how she was feeling; it would whisper in your ear, “I’m so sad! Please cheer me up,” or “I’m at peace, embrace me.” To put my description of her into one phrase: she was Caytlin…..
I could feel the searing pain of the blood exiting my wound, like a plant caught under asphalt and just started to break free. Maybe that’s what happens, blood is forcefully capped under an asphalt-like layer of skin, and as the body grows, it yearns for the light of day, pumping full strength at the layer of rock that is our veins. If it cannot escape that prison, it attacks the foundation of your body, your heart, and cracks it.
People say that you “…see your life flash before your eyes…”, but they are mistaking that for the sudden flash your brain gives your eyes to shut them down, causing the effect of an after image of events that were significant in your life time.
I remember the first time I met Caytlin. It was two years ago, two years ago and a little bit, I can’t remember the exact date but it was in a small town, I was there to visit someone, and I walked by a hotel. Not a fancy hotel, nor a run-down one, but I guess you could call it cozy. She was working there, at that hotel with a few shingles missing and a neon sign that read: tel lamon o aca cy, instead of: Hotel Plamondon, No Vacancy. She worked as a house keeping lady, but wore the title well.
“Having fun?” I asked stupidly.
“Who, me?” she asked, I nodded, and she replied “Cleaning sucks and I would NOT recommend it!”
She giggled and I smiled back at her, and left on my way to the small Co-op store down the street to get something….. something important…..ugh.
Bssszzzhht!…. a gap in my memories.
I came down in front of the hotel, on my way back from the Co-op, she was still outside, apparently taking a break and enjoying a Pepsi, water dripping off of the can and down her slender arm. If I had any one memory to choose of her, it would be the way she was captured right there, in that moment. Her hair let down with a handkerchief tied around the top of her head, smears of dirt across her face from wiping the sweat off with her soiled sleeve, and a summer’s shadow cast upon her face from the beam that she was leaning against. It was the most peaceful she ever looked and the tattered blue jeans gave a certain tranquil look to her stature. It was right then that I fell in love with her.
I approached her once again, “The name’s Joey, by the way. Nice to meet you.” I held out my hand.
“Mine’s Caytlin, very nice to meet you,” her face was true to her words, and she gave a smile and shook my hand.
Bssszzzhht! Another gap.
I took her to a nearby lake, the….. the…. the name of the lake isn’t important. It was a sunny day and 26 degrees Celsius, not a bad day for a dip in the lake. We rolled up our pants, took of our shoes and waded side by side in the lake. I lingered behind a bit, and felt the wet sand beneath my toes.
Splash! I splashed her, not aware of the consequences. She jumped, and her body shot up the way anyone’s body does when they feel a sudden spark of cold on their spine. Her head cocked to the side and she turned around swiftly. She looked me in the eye with a vengeful look in her face, her smile creeping to one side of her face, and tackled me into the crystalline, cold water. That’s what started a very long water fight and, in turn, our relationship.
I guess you could say it started simply enough, right? Before that, I had never met any girl who liked me as much as I liked her. We shared each other’s hearts, me and her, at least until the day she decided to think that I was too good for her.
“Joey, I really like you, but there’s no way you could like me, I’m nowhere near good enough for you,” she told me one day, as we were now living together.
“Caytlin, you know I like you, why would you say something like that?” I asked, stating like instead of love as we had not reached saying love yet.
“It’s just I’ve done so many things wrong, like drink use people and you haven’t done many things wrong, I guess……….that’s the difference between you and I.” I was shocked to hear her say this, but shouldn’t have been because that’s what I get for trying to hide my flaws.
“I wa-” she cut me off.
“Don’t try to convince me you love me, I’ve already made up my mind, I’m leaving in about an hour,” she was dead serious.
Bssszzzhht! And then she was gone, just like that, taken away from me by some cruel force that was greater than any other force; fate. I considered that it might be because I didn’t treat her good enough, but negated it because I treated her like gold, as the expression goes. I was always kind to her and comforted her when she was blue, just so I could see that angelic smile of hers.
I broke down in tears at that moment, as I recall, hit with the aftershock of emotions that I had just then realized were there, unable to comprehend why or how this had happened, her leaving, that is. “..the difference between you and I..” Those words echoed in my head for as long as I could remember, I wondered what the real significance of those words was. Of course, I know now, but I’m saving that for later.
The days and weeks and possibly months after that incident, I was in a comatose state, such that nothing seemed real. I walked down the streets mindlessly, when people talked I just nodded and agreed with all of their stupid opinions and questions, and when I worked and wrote, it was the second nature of it that guided my hand.
Crack! There goes another blood vessel, and some more distance gained as I continue to fall down to that disgusting behemoth Earth.
Despite her actions, she decided to keep in touch with me via email. These emails became the base of my life and my corrupt obsession. I would wait hours on end for the next one, reading it over and over until I had slurped up the essence of every word. Even though the majority of them were things I did not wish to hear, I read them anyway and replied in my normal, non-obsessed tone. She sent me emails like “I have a new boyfriend,” and “..we just kissed..” which were like seven-bladed daggers being plunged into my soul, with no remorse, but I read on anyway, soundly, stupidly.
Bssszzzhht! One day I sent her an email in which I explained that I wasn’t as perfect as I had seemed to be, because I was hiding the demons inside of me. I restated how much I loved her and that it was really hard getting by without her.
Bssszzzhht! I went for a long drive, at night some amount of days later, just for the sake of driving, to think things through. I stopped at that lake that I first took her to, to reminisce about that day, a year and some ago.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, Caytlin emailed me stating that she made a mistake breaking up with me, because her new flame turned out to be a real jackass, and that I was the perfect match for her. She stated that she was coming over that night to apologize and make up.
I decided I was ready to leave the past in that lake, and make my way home. I got into my car, ignited the resting engine, and took off into the night. On the way there, I thought since I was going near there anyway, I would visit Caytlin’s new abode. I pulled up, got out of my old wagon, and made my way up the walkway.
Pssh-pshh. The bushes to the right of me made a funny noise. A guy suddenly popped out of the bushes, not just any guy, Caytlin’s boyfriend. He was massively drunk, you could tell from the stank odor in the air.
“Caytlin grunt why’d shoo ’ave to leave me?” he pulled something out of his pocket. It was a black, sleek, snouted object, at first sight thought to be a cigarette package, but then the realization set into my mind. It was a gun.
“I’m not Cayt-” Bang! I spouted the last words I would ever speak.
This brings us to the present situation.
“Ugh!” I finally hit the ground. “At least I saved Caytlin from this fate,” I thought, “If I hadn’t sent her that email, this would have been her.”
“The difference between you and I..” they echoed one last time, she was trying to tell me we were doomed from the start.

The Difference Between You and I


Vegreville, Canada

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