Sushi and Sorrow...

“Let’s go get some spicy tuna rolls”, she said to him. And upon reading her words my heart burst! I’d been through this before. I JUST kicked my cheating husband out – AND just started to let myself fall in love again…

I had so hoped he was the one

I had so thought he was the one

And now…this…AGAIN

Another…HER

How could it be that I managed to fall in love with yet another man who considered me only “somewhat” loveable?

What in the hell was I doing wrong?

I sobbed for a while, smoked nearly a pack of cigarettes, and tried really hard NOT to throw up. Then, finally, I called a friend. Mind you, my friend is infinitely trusting, so when she tried to assure me that I JUST COULD BE wrong I immediately dismissed her trusting nature – and her advice. Instead I relied solely on wisdom I had gained through the years…a philosophy of sorts that I had carefully developed during a 16 year marriage chock-full of mistrust and cynicism.

Overflowing with his lies…and my pain

MEN CAN NEVER BE COMPLETELY TRUSTED

I was too sure that this was JUST like before. I was sure he had found someone else, but was afraid to tell me. And so I braced myself for the worst. If I confront him he’ll come clean – but then I’ll be alone again. Not confronting him isn’t an option, as it will just postpone my shallow victory.

What victory, you ask?

Let’s face it…I kind of WON by finding out first, didn’t I?

At this point I’ll take any victory I can get!

SO…I pick a fight

I receive a perfectly acceptable and timely apology

AND I cave like a sinkhole and make an apology BACK – but this time I explain why I lashed out. Her words – her presence – hovering over us ready to destroy whatever it is that we have. It feels good to be honest.

I GET an very brief explanation back…

…she’s gay

But…well…now I’m far too deep in the midst of my “love-death-spiral” to be happy. But I (at least) stop spiraling long enough to tell my trusting friend that she was right.

SHE’S GAY!!!!

I ask a few more times…Are YOU sure?

Can I BE sure?

Then I sort of ask, “Are WE okay?”

I sort of hear “yes…we’re okay.”

And I suddenly realize that I’m not ready to love again – because clearly – I’m not ready to trust again.

SO

I’m dating

Remembering how awful it is

And trying to overcome memories of his infidelity that I’m pretty sure spanned the majority of our 20 year relationship.

But if there’s no infidelity maybe dating WON’T be so awful this time.

Maybe!!

Does that make me feel better??

Honestly…NO

Because now I also realize how hard I have to work just to feel comfortable in a relationship again

AND just how damaged I am

Sushi and Sorrow...

Donna Dart

Blenheim, United States

  • Artist
    Notes

Artist's Description

Ghosts from my marriage are haunting me.

Tags

dating

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