The Snow Has Melted...

The snow has melted. It’s been so long since that chill winter night, dagger in my fingers… I killed him. Whether or not I wanted, whether or not it was right in any sense, I’ve killed him. Yet he remains with me. He doesn’t love me but he trusts me. He won’t be with me but he won’t be without me. He wouldn’t want that.
Love: …being hurt and betrayed and still remaining? Still caring? Still hoping….

So I walk to the meadow alone. My hair has grown long again and it waves in the summer breeze. Barefoot on the sun-warmed dirt, feeling the heat and the light on my face and my skin.
Sauntering through the tall grasses of the meadow, I go there to think of him. Running my hands through the greenery in my silence, he comes to mind.
And everything presses on this consciousness as the wind presses and pushes against my body. Soft but inevitable, it stirs in me a hurt so great that it disappears into my being, melts and covers all but the deepest core of my sensations.
I sigh and try to push it away, as if one mortal breath could cure the hurt of a million thoughts of one’s everlasting mind. But with this sigh comes the glorious smell of the flowers in the field, swaying rhythmically with the caress of the gods, expressing their splendid colors to me, as though I were the only one who would care to notice them.
Pick a wildflower. A pretty white one; how cliche. I twirl it in my fingers and I remember. I bring it to my lips and scent the petals. My eyes close and I see the colors and the emotions…. and I see his face. I see his endearing smile, I see him bite his lip in pleasure, I see his lips parted in disappointment, and I see his teeth gritted in sheer despair. This is the one that stays with me…
The wind changes. A powerful gust makes my clothing billow around me. I lift my face to the breeze and feel it cross my cheeks, and I look to the horizon where the storm is brewing. Dark clouds are rolling in.
And I will wait. I will be here in this meadow when the rains come and when the lightning pounds the earth and when the thunder shakes my very bones. And… I will be here when the storm fades away. I will remain.

Every tear you shed is twenty tears from my eyes. Ever pain you feel is transformed and multiplied into my helplessness. Every cut on your skin… every self-inflicted hurt is blood that I have shed. Every threat of suicide that spews from your lips brings me closer to it myself…
But in the back of my mind full of deceptions, I know it is I who have done this to you. Once your lover, once your belle, once your trusted sweetheart, I lie here under the heavy rains knowing that I am now your curse. Stay with me, and you shall always remember that night and what you felt. Stay with me and humor me as I try to mend your broken heart. Stay with me, always knowing I have that silver dagger in my reach.
Remain… despite every logic.
Did love ever make sense?
I will not be without you. I can’t even bear to think of finally finding out you’ve done it… I pray and wish and hope that you won’t. Have you any idea how much that scares me…

The Snow Has Melted...


Joined April 2008

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