Binding Chains

There are voices in my head, telling me where to go, what to do.
“No Crystal, don’t do that!”
“Crystal, go to this college, take this class, be like this”.
What if I don’t want to be like that? But no, your thoughts block out my own, you hush my objections.
“Crystal, we’re older, we know what’s best for you.”
“You have to grow up and go to college.”
“You can’t be like that. That’s not you.”
“Sorry, we cant, we’re too busy.”
“Watch your little brother for us. Tonight for dinner, you have to make…”
I want to scream “Why do I have to make dinner? Why do I have to watch your child all the time? Why can’t I have a life of my own, a style of my own, be myself? "
You get mad when I ask to go to a friend’s party. “Didn’t you just go to one of these?”
“That was for someone else. It’s her sweet 16!”
“You have to watch your brother.”
In my mind, I scream “He’s you son! Watch him your goddamn self! I have no life, no job, no extracurriculars, nothing! You complain because I don’t have a job and then you go and tell me I don’t have time because I’m doing what you should be doing. I am not the parent. I am the child. The child! Yes, I accept responsibility, but not yours! I can’t wait until I leave. You’ll never see me again!” my head screams rebelliously. No life, no job, no freedom. You even spaz when I have a boyfriend. I’m not 3 years old, but I’m not 30, either. Why can’t I be what I am, a teenager, enjoying life and school? Your voices, controlling my life, have penetrated to the only place left to myself; my head. I can hear you order me, hear you tell me how to live my life. Cut these chains off of me, please! I hear you order me, even now, as I try to make something of myself. My writing you silently laugh at, doubting it will ever go anywhere. It does, it goes everywhere. It takes me from you, takes me to where I am happy.
“Get off and come watch your brother! I have to go somewhere.”
“Where?” I am dying to scream. “Where do you have to go? I am 16! Watch your own fucking child for once.”
I fear that you will throw me out like you did my sister, but would you even do that? Remove my binding chains that make me your slave, as I have no car, no job?
“Go to hell! I’m leaving!” My mind says.
But if I go, I leave my little brother behind.
“Crystal! Get down here now!”
“Kiss my ass! I am not your slave. I have a life of my own!” I am tempted to scream. But I just get up, turn off the computer and walk calmly downstairs, enslaved in your binding chains.

Journal Comments

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  • Katie Trzcinka
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