What do I call this; barrier, love, truth, helpless needing?

I’m sitting here, wanting to be the best I can be. Needing your love to help me through this all. But something is blocking everything from me; my family, my friends, my creativity, even you. Why is this happening? How can God be so cruel and to take away the things I hold most dear, all the things I love in my life. If I have no one, I am lost. If I don’t have you, I am no one. I don’t know what this is in my head, telling me things, giving me ideas that I just can’t seem to get a grasp on. Drifting in and out, back and forth, just out of my reach. That’s how I feel; I am drifting, lost at sea. Struggling to come up with something brilliant to impress you, to show you that I am worth it, worth you and your love. Needing to prove that I am smart, I am pretty, I am the best. Why do I feel this urge, this drive? How can I destroy this barrier in my head blocking all flow of my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings? All I feel is indifference toward the world and a wanting for…I don’t know. It was there, now it’s gone again. How am I to catch it? With a net? A fishing rod? My own 2 hands? Wanting, wanting, what is it that I so desperately want? How can I go back to the way I was? I used to be happy, confident, and joyous. I used to have ideas, creativity and fun. What has gone wrong? Have I offended you, God? Did I do something terrible? I haven’t harmed anyone; I haven’t stolen, or cheated. What could be wrong? Am I just being punished for doing evil, being evil? Am I evil? What is evil? How can I know? I thought I did everything you would want of me, God? But no. it’s not God I am speaking with. It is you. You. The one I trust. The one I love. No, I am wrong. I do not love you. I am forced to feel as if I must prove myself, to prove that I am worthy of you. That is not love. You don’t love me. You love the idea of me; you love the benefits of having me. No more. No more! Gone, you are gone. I want you out. Out of my head, out of my life. Never were you in my heart. That wanting I felt, the wanting I no longer feel, was to be free of you, to be myself again, wanting to be me. I am me and you are dismissed. I no longer need you. I never needed you. Good bye. The barrier is gone. I feel, I think, I know and I love. I feel my satisfaction that I now know the truth, that I never loved you and that I never needed to prove that I was worth you. You aren’t worth me. You aren’t worth my time. I am smart, pretty and brilliant. I don’t need false love and false friendship. Stop trying to change me; you’re gone. I do not need this. I am who I am and with out you and I am the best I can be. I am myself, finally free.

Journal Comments

  • Katie Trzcinka
  • CrystalNoellyn
  • Katie Trzcinka
  • CrystalNoellyn
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