"the Keys to Life..."

You may of heard Boz Lurman’s “Don’t Forget Your Sunscreen” monologue, in which he dispenses advice on life and other matters. It is a nice bit of writing, but I think that his view is a bit off. I decided to write my own version, with my expertise on what it takes to unlock the door to happiness. Hope you enjoy…

Everyone is constantly looking for the meaning of life, and the road to a great, meaningful existence. The search can be difficult, so I’ve decided to generously share my wealth of knowledge on smiling all the way to the grave.

THE KEY TO LIFE IS….to become the most irrational, irresponsible, and completely illogical person that you can be. Become odd, and be labeled as “bizarre”. Lose all touch with reality. Keep in mind, only matters of your own. Stop talking in a language that anyone else can understand. Enjoy only your own company. Move, in a backwards motion- with your eyes closed, half the time. Remove any obligations that you hold. Sleep in eighteen hour shifts. Realize that your intellect super-cedes any method of human measure- therefore- YOU are superhuman. Take the time to congratulate yourself on the small accomplishments, like ignoring those in need. DO NOT make yourself trustworthy, it will only make others emotionally attach themselves to you. Learn to lie, then lie often. Fail to recognize beauty and/or grace. Read other people’s mail. Give up on driving, and insist on being carried everywhere. Live above the law. Laws were written for those that need rules- this does not mean you. Cut in line. Disagree, just for arguement’s sake. Never cry. Laugh only when others cry. Emphasize the weaknesses of children-publicly. Teach someone to smoke. Do not allow love to soften any part of your body. Do not allow love to harden any part of your body, either. Never posses an open mind. Be seen spitting. Take the time to list the faults and personal shortfalls of all those that you come in contact with. This will help in building your ego to its appropriate size. Step on sidewalk cracks. Forget peoples’ name-remember only what they have done for you. Neglect your teeth. Make wild accusations, provide no proof. Kick animals. Point at those that are less fortunate than you. Don’t tip. Stare. Talk during movies. Put your hands behind your back when sneezing. Trick others out of their possessions and sell it back to them at a higher price. Ride the brake, even in the fast lane. Give up the habit of voting. Show up uninvited, then complain about how bad the party is. Borrow money, and use it to gamble. Talk about your upcoming birthday- six months in advance. Write checks in the drive-thru. Pass gas in public places, but once you do, point and stare at the oldest person nearby. Tell children the truth about Santa- on Christmas eve. Keep other peoples’ change. Talk for three or more minutes on someone else’s answering machine. Correct other’s speech. Chew with your mouth open. Always send be-lated birthday cards- postage due. Do not rewind video rentals. Its not hard to find the key to your happiness, just remember that its all about you. When you focus on others, you lose valuable time trying to seek your own joy. When you can learn to create a world in which you are the center, you truly will hold the key to your best life. Oh yeah, screw sunscreen. Sunburn is a great excuse to be lazy.

"the Keys to Life..."

  • Artist
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Artist's Description

A light-hearted look at the way it could be.

Artwork Comments

  • killmore99
  • KellieKennedy
  • lilgem4u
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