Understanding Depression (A mourning of the Soul)

Firstly, let me introduce myself. I am a woman who lives life purely by the experiences this life offers, and likes to write about what I learn from those experiences in theses such as this one.

I know a lot will think ‘but we all live by our experiences’ and yes, that is correct, but how many actually observe those experiences simply for what they are – experiences.

How many actually allow themselves to sit above their physical being observing the emotions and their reactions to the emotions or watch how their ego part of self handles the various situations.

I have been through some wonderful experiences and I have been through some hellish ones. And, as such, I have learnt a lot by observing those experiences by just being.

I know depression only too well and how feeling, or being, alone can bring ‘things’ to the surface of consciousness. I know depression to the point I live on a disability support pension for depression, which at times, makes me want to be even more depressed but I also know that situation is going to change.

I also know the understanding of love and that helps to keep me together and has allowed me over the years to let go of some of the depression. Those psychological barriers that are set up by depressive situations that led to depression.

My ‘insight’ into depression has stemmed from many things in my life. The ‘enforced’ feelings of abandonment as a child which were suppressed and which later surfaced at a time those feelings were meant too.

The ‘enforced’ feelings of being violently threatened by a husband who had a penchant for living with a fireman’s axe under our bed for 22 months and telling me he could chop me up into pieces and get away with it with the use of a certain British Law in force at that time.

When we lived in the USA, it was a gun on the dressing table with the same excuse of being able to get away with blowing my head off. The excuse he was going to use for such ridiculous actions: temporary insanity. No one is temporary insane. You are either insane or sane and in this day and age one has to ask which one is normal.

Depression by the ‘enforced’ feelings of betrayal by a loved one through the use of adultery, alcoholism and drugs, that he allowed himself to become addicted to.

I say ‘enforced’ feelings as, for me, they seemed to be the feelings others were trying to enforce upon me and indeed did at some points of my life, I believed, when I was led into a very confusing period for over 30 years through living on and off with an addicted adulterer who I loved dearly and don’t to this day regret knowing as I did certainly learn a lot from that wonderful although mixed up character.

I had a lot of experiences with my now ex-husband including the possibility that I may have children that I did not give birth to. I say the possibility as it is a situation that included surrogate mothers to carry the fertilised eggs to birth after which he then had full custody and control over the children. It could well be a possibility as he did go to visit my gynaecologist with me on one occasion when he asked to meet the doctor and they excluded me from the meeting. Two weeks after that meeting I was once again in the hospital for yet another ‘woman’s operation’.

That was back in 1983 when IVF was new in Australia but had been running, I later found out, in the US for a few years beforehand at a clinic in Los Angeles. My father let me in on the fact I could have biological children in this world when in 1984 he rang me up to tell me that my ex-husband had rang him from the US to advise that he had just become the father of a little girl. Although my father didn’t extend any further information to me, he just added: ‘Isn’t it time you found out what is going on’ and hung up on me. The timing of it all pointed to the fact it could well have been my eggs that were used.

Over the years my ex-husband has used these ‘phantom’ children as bait against me by bringing them up when he wanted domination over me. I even had one of his girlfriends’ who rang one night advising that he had told her of the children in a drunken stupor adding that he also told her he was married with a daughter when he first met me. That was new news to my ears as he had told me when we first met that he didn’t have a girlfriend.

I have never met these children but I have been advised that they exist on many occasions when my ex-husband wanted total control over a situation including when we first decided to reconciliate years later and he asked me if I would be capable of being the mother of two little children. When I asked whom their mother was he wouldn’t answer but advised that he was their biological father then promptly changed the subject.

We did reconciliate for about four months and during that time whenever I mentioned the children he would deny the whole fiasco saying it was all in my head.

Yes, he tries to be a complete dominator using any trick in the book he can to take away my own sense of self. To make me feel that I am the one in the wrong including trying to have me believe that the incident of the possibility of the children existing was also just in my head. I know it as otherwise for I know my own father would not have rung me and told me what he did about the phone call from the US back in 1984.

However, I am not that easy to dominate being that I was born believing to be an individual with independence although retaining the knowledge that we are all interdependent. Although I have to admit that he did start to get domination over me when he brought the incident of children into the picture.

Apart from all the above how can I forget the rape I endured as a 16 year old when I was bashed unconscious and woke up in a pool of blood with a stranger looming over me apologizing for not knowing I was a virgin. I won’t explain that any further as it is definitely a situation I would just rather bury in the past where it now belongs. I will say though that the experience taught me never to lie again and next time during those years if it was a sunny day I went to work instead of feigning a sickie and going to the beach.

Along with being sacked from a job when I was in hospital and during a hiatus between operations recuperating when the news of that sacking took place. The manager rang me up to advise they needed someone in my position and they had to let me go which is not very cheery news for someone facing another operation three days after the last one.

Must not forget the 11 operations I have had to endure from the age of 17 up which rendered my memories in a haze for years. Most of those operations from allowing myself to be a guinea pig for the Copper7 IUD which should never have been allowed to be used in woman for contraception in the first place but did any of the women who had to suffer with that contraption get any compensation for its faulty use causing suffering and pain. No, not in Australia anyway where the case was basically thrown out of court. We just had to wear the fact it had stuffed up our innards and be quite about the dodgy court case.

And to top it off, the death of both my parents followed by a brother who stated to me after our mother’s death that he never wanted a sister, never considered he had ever had one and did not want one now.

Although that last bit of news was nothing new to me as my brother had tried many times during our childhood to get ‘rid’ of me, which according to my mother a couple of years before she died, was from the age of 1. She caught him trying to smother me with a pillow. He was 3. At 5 he was caught attempting to shoot an apple of my head with his bow and arrow set of which he had removed the suction cap and was aiming the pointed shaft directly at me when our mother came racing out the back door yelling for him to freeze. Luckily he did or I may have ended up with that arrow wedged in an eye. My brother’s dislike for me started, I was told, the day I was brought home from the hospital. He threw a tantrum demanding I be returned. It turned out it wasn’t just a 2 year old’s tantrum, he meant it and to this day I never hear from my brother.

Those weren’t the last times he had tried to get ‘rid’ of me either and as my mother said before she died ‘I want you to be careful of your brother. I don’t know why but he has been very jealous of you all your life’. Lord knows why, because I certainly don’t.

I have told you the above to show what I have had to endure in my life and through those experiences I have learnt a lot about the state of depression. I am a very sensitive soul and I feel very deeply but the hurt I have endured by those nearest and dearest to me has made me go very deep within myself to learn so that I could save myself, so that I could survive.

Is it little wonder that I write, and paint, a lot about the higher spirit of our being or about God. It is only my total faith and belief in God and our higher power that has kept me going. A weaker person, I feel, would have taken the easy way out years ago but I don’t believe in suicide as my belief on that subject is that you will only be sent back to a similar situation until you learn from the experience why you have the problem in the first place.

What I have learnt through my experiences may help a lot of people to turn around their view of life and away from their own self-destruction, which I believe, also ripples out and affects others as well as this planet which is after all also a living thing. I can only hope and pray for that to be as a helping hand to my fellow brothers and sisters in this world for I do care very deeply about others.

God said to Lot’s wife “Do not look back or you shall surely turn to a pillar of salt and blow away”.

There is a very good message in that statement for people to learn because that message pertains to depression.

You see, when Lot’s wife looked back she cried at leaving her past behind and died from her heartbreak.

The ‘pillar of salt’ means the tears we cry and to ‘blow away’ means to die, as in we don’t stay in the present moment, and even though it means that a ‘change’ of life is on the horizon, that may create ‘fear’ in some people so they don’t want to change. The truth is if we don’t go with the ‘change’ we lose our way on the pathway of life and that results in depression.

We reflect back on the ‘bad’ and sometimes the ‘good’ things that happened to us along our pathway of life and by doing so we bring it to the now; where we are in life at the present time of having such a reflection of the past. That present time then becomes a depressive state if we are reflecting back on bad things that occurred in the past.

If we are reflecting back on good things that happened in the past and our present state is not all that good then we become depressed in the present state of being due to feeling we have lost such a good time in our life believing we won’t have those good times again. So either way, whether looking back on the bad, or looking back on the good, we still get the feelings of depression.

Some people sit and stare into nowhere, some cry at lot. I was more of a crier until I realised all I was doing by crying was creating wrinkles and bags under my eyes. So I stopped crying and started learning from the experiences that had been presented to me in my life. I started asking God what was I to learn from those experiences.

I learnt that a lot of control dramas happen to people and that we are not always aware of them. I also learnt that our feelings are all controlled by our ego, which we have allowed to believe is associated as self.

Parents who have criticized, intimidated, interrogated or whatever that has made the child feel ‘aloof’ and as a result have cut themselves off from other people due to feeling they may get criticized or interrogated for all their actions or words, or when people look back at life at what so far has happened and the ‘poor me’ syndrome comes out to play with their mind and then gets acted out, is how I see and know depression to be. The ‘oh, why did it happen to me’ or ‘if only my mother/father had treated me better’ types.

I know some doctors will say depression is caused by a chemical imbalance but personally, through my knowledge of the disease, which to me means dis-at-ease within the body, I don’t believe it to be a chemical imbalance. What causes chemical imbalances in the body, I believe, is mainly due to all the preservatives and other crap they put in the food chain to keep the society unhealthy so as to have a healthy economy but I won’t go into that here as that is another topic altogether.

Depression is a form of keeping oneself de-pressed. Keeping oneself ‘down’ as many people may have a ‘fear’ about moving out of their comfort zone of which is all they have known in their life no matter how bad those past experiences may have been.

It is a fear that has been set up by the ego mind of self so that the actual person, the being doesn’t move on and away from the depressive state. The ego is afraid of letting go of what it knows and what it’s use to. The ego fears change and doesn’t want to lose the domination over the self but the being of the self is far stronger than the ego of self if we sit back and take notice of it. It is our higher spiritual self being.

Unfortunately by keeping ourselves ‘down’ we don’t evolve as we get stuck in a rut of what becomes nothingness which is our living hell where it all just keeps going around and around until we learn we have to let it all go and forgive and forget and move on along the pathway of our life. We don’t need to keep living the nightmare that we have set up for ourself through our own self-indulgent mourning for our past.

That is part of our history and just like the history of the world we should learn from it and then let it go not keep repeating the same patterns over and over which can eventually send us to the brink of insanity.

My ex-husband drinks and does drugs trying to escape himself and I use to sit and listen to him bemoaning his childhood, his ex-girlfriend before me and all the other not too happy situations he allowed himself to go through that he won’t let go of and which has led him to be treated for bipolar once known as manic depression. And I will honestly state here he is not helping himself either by drowning in alcohol and drugs. If anything, those addictions are making his life even more hell. I don’t do drink or drugs so watching his actions from a very straight perspective has been very enlightening in itself. I view those addictions as a complete waste of precious life but it’s his choice. I won’t say I am completely innocent and have never tried a drink or smoked a joint because I have a few times however the only thing I have ever allowed myself to become addicted to is nicotine in rollies. I am basically a very straight person and what some would call a square as nicotine is the only vice I have in my life.

Forgiving and forgetting is needed to get over blocks in life. We also have to learn to ask for forgiveness of ourself for allowing ourself to get bogged down in the ego’s depression in the first place and for allowing ourself to fall victim to it. And we have to ask for guidance of what we were to learn from those experiences. It is a new step to getting to know one’s self better and connecting to a greater force than ourself – the greater divine spirit of life.

Meditation in a park is a good place to start as nature exchanges energy with humans. It is a source of a far stronger divine universal energy and helps to lift people’s spirit to where they should be in life. Meditation also teaches people to connect to their inner spirit for guidance as we all have the answers for ourself within ourself. It has been my saving grace at times as I first started meditating at seven to get away from a mother who would carry on like a banshee Indian over nothing and it was what helped to keep me peaceful within during my mother’s rampant times. I look at those times now as training for having to deal with my ex-husband as she too was extremely dominating and a perfectionist, which was almost impossible to live with as a child. If a towel wasn’t hung in the bathroom exactly in half with front and back perfectly matching I use to be hauled in there by the ear and made to do it properly. If a seam on my sewing wasn’t perfectly straight it had to be unpicked and redone. That’s how much of a perfectionist my mother was…but I still loved her even though she whipped me with a leather strap and pushed me into a boiling hot bath at 12 because I got home from school half an hour late…I still loved her…because she gave me this body to live in this life and I appreciate and respect that 9 months of labour and pain she went through to give me this life.

Yoga or gentle physical exercise is also excellent for keeping one balanced and focused allowing peace within and thereby control over the mind.

Control dramas are something that was set up within people eons ago when societies started losing their connection to God’s nature and started thinking more from human’s ego. Back then it may have been a necessary function that enabled the world to progress to this point in time to become the technological age that it now is and for that reason we cannot blame those in the past we can only blame ourself for allowing ourself to take on the emotions created from control dramas. People back in those days most likely didn’t know anymore than people in this day and age but now in this Age of Aquarius people are starting to wake up from their nightmares and realise they don’t have to live in their self made hells, they can change their state of being.

Depression is sparked from control dramas occurring all the time. Children who get controlled by their parents instead of just being guided is a form of energy exchange and children do the same back to their parents in other ways of control or domination over a situation for their quota of energy.

Unfortunately, this system of domination, one over another, then sets up a depressed state in a child as they feel misunderstood or ‘out of tune’ with their parents or peers. They may also feel that they don’t belong not only with these parents but also in this world. And it also sets up a depressed state in the parent as the elder feels disrespected or unable to cope with their children.

My mother and I had those problems between us and I didn’t feel welcome in this world due to not feeling welcome in my mother’s home. You see my mother never wanted a daughter either and thought she was going to have another son. At fifteen I was told very clearly that it was her home and not mine and I would be out of there soon. At twenty-six she told me again that she just had to put up with me because she didn’t get the son she was expecting.

Children are a lot closer to the divine energy than their parents who through time have moved further away from the divine connection by chasing their human pursuits, mainly, if we are to be totally honest, for material wants and desires, and as such adds fuel to the fire of feeling lost which brings on more depressed emotions.

I have learnt the only way to rid myself of the emotions that cause depression is to not look back. To accept the fact that such horrors happened, to allow myself to feel the physical emotion for what it was at the time then let it go by allowing myself to observe myself living in the present moment. Being totally focused on where I am at now, what I am doing now, how I am feeling now. And, I got to that point by forgiving myself for allowing myself to be the victim of my own life dramas.

This may seem like a difficult thing for a lot of people to do as it was never trained into them to do such an observation of their self but anyone can train themselves to do it. I did, and if I can then anyone can. It’s not difficult. It just means keeping yourself aware of being aware of just being.

It means taking hold of the reins and being the chariot driver of your own life instead of just handing the reins over to your ego, that old devil within each and everyone that will ruin your life if you let it.

We can choose heaven or we can choose hell. I decided to go for the first choice. It is more peaceful coated in bouts of joy and bliss with happiness as my shadow friend. I hope you see the light of that choice too.

Thank you for reading this story.

May you have love, peace, joy and abundance in your life…and keep smiling.

Love,
CJ.

PS: My mother and I became friends before she died…and I still love her…and I still love my brother, after all it was his decision not to have a sister…it wasn’t mine not to have a brother. I don’t hate him for his decision…I admire him for his honesty.

Understanding Depression (A mourning of the Soul)

C J Lewis

Joined March 2008

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A brief look at how I came to understand the emotion of depression through my life experiences…and what I learnt from those observations.

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