This day is quiet for the first time, as she sleeps and my mind releases a giant sigh. This is so constant. Everything I expected and more. There is no before her …there is the lifetime of after stretching out before us. It is scary and exhilarating at the same time.
Violet entered the world on a Sunday, in a flurry of hope and fear and her own big scream of “here I am in this world NOW”. She would not wait to arrive and held her fists in the air, in triumph, defiance and wonder all at once. Six weeks early and plumper than expected she stared back at me all blue eyed and like a strange montage. And I said “Are you sure she is a girl?” they laughed, must be an in joke I thought. More morphine.
Before she was extracted, I sat propped on the edge of the steel trolley, as two girls counted out surgical instruments with precision, discussing their weekend inbetween counts.
“You’re cold?” the nice eyes, english accent asks. He has told me his name, I nodded and breathed and braced and promptly it flew through my brain like a shaky white dove.
“I’m not cold. Just fucking shitting myself.”
A strange flash in his eyes, like he thinks I speak literally. Then a smile, eyes only behind his blue mask. Another blanket now, and I must resemble a back to front hunch back…my belly naked and trembling.
Then the screen appears …and with each second passing I am thinking please make this okay
Making my vows of I will never again and if only its okay I will always or I will promise to …the deals we make with the creator when everything is on the edge, when absolutely everything is up for grabs.
And I am wondering where he is, my partner in this. Oh fuck I need someone now, anyone and then the strange resolve. The steel rod in my back hardens and I am alone in this room with my Violet, yet to be named. Its me and her with these dozens of people and I am calling to her in my silence, cooing and telling her its just us, and that just us is just fine. I am in the zone I’ve been told about. Me and you baby girl
Then appears my partner in crime “I love you baby”
In my haze I am thinking me? or the baby-baby? but ah yes, its me. Loved and I can feel hands under my ribs.
“One big push under your ribs…” says brown eyes, high arches and then I hear “Here’s the head”
I am shaking still. Then I hear “okay… call it?”
“Time of birth twenty two twenty two” and her scream pierces the air like a huge spear through my heart, my head, my soul. Then her huge blue grey eyes are staring into mine and I can start to breathe again.
Violet was born on Sunday the third of August in Sydney Australia to the sounds of Mike Patton singing “I know it sounds funny but I just cant stand the pain…” and “Thats why I’m easy, easy like Sunday morning…”



Joined December 2007

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  • PJ Ryan
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