Tish I miss you, dreaming of you, loving you

Some day I will get over of you
But today
I cannot wait
Any longer
You know me now for who I really am
And you left
With a slamming of the door
With a fuck you
With words I care not to think of
The words were all true
That you called me
I knew you would never
Except the truth
I would get high every day
To forget
To stop
But I was living a lie
And kept living it with you
But today was our day to be married
As I said I do
As you said I do
I knew I had to
Tell you
You carried me in the room in my wedding dress
A day
A moment
I dreamed of

As you placed me on the bed
Unbuttoning my dress
Kissing me softly
Tears fell from my eyes
Laying there with you
Making love to you
Tears rolling
In my head I feel finally safe
Truly loved
By you
You think they are tears of happiness
As I tell you so
But as the sun sets
I know I have done you wrong
You must know the truth
About me
About my real life
About everything I have always
Lied to you
You deserve
To know
I look into your eyes
Feel your touch
I feel so loved
As I start to tell you
First you move your eyes away from mine

With more words
You move your body onto your back away from me
With more words
I reach out to touch you… you push my hand away
With more words
You sit up and stare at me
With more words
You stand and put your clothes on
With more words
You speak
You speak louder
You walk to the door
Slurring words of anger at me
That is all true
You open the door and slam it shut
I get up from the bed and feel the door
You are gone
For good
My lies were too many
The reality of my life
Was not what you ever knew
Accepting me
For whom I really am
Was never going to happen
As I knew
As I always knew
From the day we met
I knew

I fill the bath look in the mirror at my self
You met me in my pretend life
Not in my real one
Yes I did have a real estate license
Yes I did work for a real estate company
Yes I did own my own home
I told you the truth when ever I could
But you always new my cover
I did not make any money from real estate
When I met you I tried
And tried to
For you I tried to change
The owner of the company
Had been a client of mine for years
He knew I loved you
He tried to help me
Get out
Live a real life
But I could not do it
I was no good at sales
At least in housing
Selling me was easy
Too easy
It is what I have always done
Since I left home at 16
I had been doing it for so long when you had met me
I knew no other way of life
In 20 years of working

I could not count how many men
Had touched my skin
I could not count how many women
Had touched my skin
But I learned so much
Over the years
How to hide my lie
How to hold my head up high
How to pretend
How to hold it all in
How not to feel
Then I met you
I wanted to feel with you
The way I thought
Normal people felt
For one another
I wanted to be in love
With you
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to know
How it felt when someone that loved me
Touched me
Made love to me
I wanted to dream of you
And have you dream of me
For us to have a future together
To have a future with someone I was so

In love with
And was so in love with me
Then you asked me to marry you
On your knee
With your words of
With your words
With your voice
My past was gone
It never happened
At that moment I told my self
Never again
And I said
To you
You placed the ring you bought for me
On my finger
Tears rolling off my cheeks
As they are now
As they have been
Ever since you asked
Me to marry you
They have kept rolling
Because I could not stop
I tried
But I had to pay my bills

Then I thought
If I worked a lot
Then I could quit once and for all
Before you walked away
And slammed the door
I was going to tell you
I had saved
And now I could live a normal life
But the truth was too strong
You were gone
For good
Oh how I told anyone who would listen
How in love I was with you
How proud I was that you loved me
The mirror does not lie
It sees inside
It knows me too well
The mirrors I have seen
And today’s mirror
The mirror of truth
Shows what is real
The real me
I told you today
Of the real me
I cannot live
And not be with you
My real and my pretend life
Is now one in the same?

And you do not accept me
And your love has been taken from me
With my words of truth
The bath is now full
Bubbles running over the sides
You used to light candles around the bath for me
The candles are here
As you placed them here for me
Your shaving kit is still here too
I light the candles as you would for me
Take apart your razor
Place the blades on the side of the bath
With my lip stick
On the mirror I write
I am sorry I loved you
I step into the warm bath
Lay back hearing the bubbles
Reaching for the blade
Cutting the first wrist three times deep
Cutting the other wrist
Crying out loud
Cutting in as deep as I can
As many times as I can
Till the blood from the other wrist covers
My other hand
I see all the blood in the bubbles
I lay my hand in the water

Close my eyes
And wait
And dream of you
Of only you


tara chappel

Joined September 2008

  • Artist

Artist's Description

its short and to the point a poem

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