Which is Better? The Impossible Choice

Which is better? That is indeed a hard question to answer. Well in my case it is anyway. Is it better that I get to see my long time friend who I have had a crush on for years with my roommate as they make out on the bed while I am in the room, or is it better if I do not see him at all. Those are my two choices. Both cause me some pain. It comes down to a question of what kind of pain I want to deal with. Which would I rather have?
It is nice to see him. No matter who he is involved with I will always get a huge hug hello and goodbye. I love those hugs. I smell like him for at least an hour later. Sometimes I think it is all worth it for that hug. He holds me tight, and at that moment it is only me and him. Sometimes I think it lasts longer than a hug between friends, even good friends. Sometimes it is all that keeps me going. Sometimes that is what I live for.
Of course reality does not allow me to enjoy that feeling for long. No, it never lasts long enough. I am always second for greetings and first for goodbyes. I am not that special. He hardly talks o me while he is here. I freeze him out so I do not have to deal with the pain of knowing he is not here for me. He is here for her. Without her, I would only see him so often. Yet, I still live for that hug goodbye. That is all I look forward to while he is here. That is all I want, a brief moment in time, where I am the only one who matters.
Sometimes I feel the urge to tell him everything. I always resist this, no matter what else is going on. I don’t even admit it to her anymore. Sometimes I feel I do not even admit it to myself. It is there, it will always be there. I think forward to the future. She may marry him. They will live together, grow old together, and die together. And me you ask. Well I will be the one who had the honor of introducing them. I will forever be the observer, the recorder, the historian.
So which is better? Suffering through a weekend of torturing myself, my innards eating themselves, all so I can have that one moment, or not seeing him, and not suffering, but also not having that moment? It seems ridiculous to choose, but I must. In the end, I have made a choice, and I will live with it. He shall never know, she shall never know, that I live for that hug.

Which is Better? The Impossible Choice


Joined November 2007

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