sink or swim

have you ever heard of drowning victims that get disoriented and swim the opposite direction of the surface? they start to panic and freak out because they can’t breathe so they just swim. by the time they run out of air and the instinct to inhale overpowers them, they’re nowhere near the surface. then they inhale, filling their lungs with water and they sink.

sometimes life is like that…

sometimes we have to stop and make a conscious decision to swim toward the surface. like right now i’m in the middle of a 180 degree about-face and i’m clawing my way to the surface, fighting the urge to panic, inhale, and sink.

i’m not afraid to swim, because i consider myself a better than average swimmer, but i am afraid of getting carried away by the various currents. i’ve never been able to swim a straight line and it’s easy to get off course when you’re just stroking, whether you’re drowning or not, sometimes the shore is pretty far away and it’s easy to misjudge your trajectory. so mindless stroking will never get you anywhere. creating a plan, and taking action to carry out that plan is the only way to make it to shore and still have the energy to get your ass out of the incoming tide.

anyway, what i mean is that sometimes you take inventory of your life and it seems to be lacking. that’s when you decide now is the time. there is no tomorrow, there was no yesterday. there is only the eternal present. you can only bounce off the bottom for so long before you decide, “fuck this!” and you search for a ladder. if you can’t find a fucking ladder, you make one. if you can’t fucking make one, you call for help. it’s pretty fucking humble to admit that you can’t do it and that you need help. personally my ladder is made of strips of humility braided with determination connected to a grappling hook of desire. and even if i can’t make it all the way to the top, it’s comforting to know there are a few people in my life who are willing to put aside the bullshit and haul my ass into the light of day, no matter how blinding it may be.

Journal Comments

  • Leah Highland
  • carollei
  • warmonger62
  • carollei