did i make a mistake?

if i really love him like i say i do then why did i do this? i’ve never loved anyone before. i always wondered how it felt to love someone and how it felt to be loved. when he came into my life i learned what love was and how it finally felt. now i am without him and i feel like i made the biggest mistake in my life. i thought i was doing the right thing. if you can’t trust someone can you still love them? i don’t feel whole anymore. i don’t know how to control these emotions. i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry until i drown in my tears. i feel alone and confused. did i make this decision on my own or did i take to much advice. i thought i would feel better but i don’t. last night i was so disgusted in him and couldn’t believe he e-mailed her and was still e-mailing her friend. he completely denied it all. i know he loves me a lot. he reminds me everytime he looks at me. he gives me everything i need, want, and desire with no questions asked. i want him back but i know everyone will be disappointed in me. i’m not as strong as i say i am or try to be. if i opened up to him more and communicated maybe this wouldn’t have happened. part of me doesn’t even care about all the reasons i was mad at him for. i just want him to hold me and tell me everythings going to be okay. i can’t hold the tears back any longer. i want him. i need him. what the fuck do i do. everyone would tell me to “move on”, “he’s not worth it”, “you can do so much better”. he always made me feel safe. he knew how to cheer me up. his family is fabulous. damnit, what have i done. it’s not like he was sleeping with someone else. i just feel so bad right now. i always feel like the guilty one even though i didn’t do anything but i still feel like everything is my fault. i can’t sleep. i’m scared to fall asleep because i don’t want to be trapped in endless dreams of sorrow and self pity. i was so happy earlier and knew i was doing the right thing. i had no come backs and just wanted to rewind the whole situation and start over. i wanted to say “nevermind, just-kidding”. i wanted to talk it though with him and work something out but in the back of my head i’m listening to everything my friends say and didn’t. is your friends advice always the best or do you need to make your own decisions sometimes, especially when it comes to love? or since it is love maybe you’re not thinking logicaly and need to listening to that friends advice. i want to talk to him so bad. i want him to call me. at this point i don’t know if he will. we both put so much into this relationship for it just to end in the worst way. i just need someone to talk to.

Journal Comments