I Love You and I Miss You All the Time

Why is it that I spend so much time trying to figure out why I should say things, when I should just be shouting them? It’s only a mechanism to avoid wasting sentiment on the frailty of speech I guess. And now in the final days of secondary school I find my time consumed with contrived words so as to prevent my lack of eloquence from tainting the series of moments that could be the last I ever experience in this mindset. I’ve tried to let it sink into me; permeate the skin of adolescence but my psyche remains resilient. God bless youthful ignorance. Never again will naivete run so freely, rampant across my mind. As I watch the class of 2009 feign the motions of graduation I can’t help but wonder what it all should mean. Will turning our rings, moving our tassels, and saying our good-byes bring new clarity for the next part of our lives? All I know is that what comes next is inevitable, terrifying, and most of all exhilarating.

By the end of summer I’ll be miles apart from everyone I’ve ever know. I’ve tried to use my imagination and fabricate what the next four years could hold and I can’t even begin to take stock of the prospective future. I can only hope that when this world of high school comes to an end I can breathe a sigh of relief because there will be so much to look forward to. I’m ready to be new again in a place all my own. I’ve never been more scared in my life, never more heavyhearted. Conflict rages in every part of me mostly because I know that once I leave I’ll never be able to call Austin home again. But it’s never good to live in the past for too long. You’ll just find you’ve missed out on everything else.

The hardest part has been letting go. Letting go of my inspiration. Letting go of my safety net. Letting go of small ideals. All in favor of chance. I’ve always taken my close proximity to those I love for granted. They’ve always been so close I can’t imagine not having them around. And while I’ll still be able to converse electronically, it’s so callous and crass. Knowing this I should be better prepared to compose farewells of adequate emotion but I think it better to perpetuate apathy. Leaving has been a difficult decision for me to come to. Simple pros and cons prove insufficient as the immediate benefits of staying greatly outweigh the expectancy of Atlanta. But I know that I have exhausted all the resources Texas has to offer so to validate my decision I write affection on paper and hope my conviction has not been misplaced.

After the passage of each day I wish for yet another day to give my love and repay debts but still I travel fast and alone towards my future as do my peers. As adulthood bears down on me I find myself struggling simply to recognize the difference between growing up and being an adult. Perhaps it’s just the difference between the maturity of the mind and that of the body. And if it is have I achieved either? Will I wake one morning and know I’ve done it or will someday in retrospection I discover it came silently? All I have are questions and ambition. For many this is not enough but for me it will suffice.

I Love You and I Miss You All the Time

carCRASHES

Joined October 2009

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