Retro Magnolias

Hexagonal circus feather tree note raining sparkle dust shimmers my being
fluidity flows through following through ambiance clouds the hierarchy of the
sky purple/mauve/green with black and grey pixelated lines of speckles
humming inside my ears oh forever has come to me forever is inside me
one tree split into two even trunks growing side by side strong and tall
totally independent and yet forever joined by their common source- the
SOURCE their roots, the earth, the ground, the sky, the grass, the ants
whirling around in an insidious fashion a gourmet shade of pink feast for my
eyes oh my hungry eyes wont you feed my eyes you luscious creature?
I planted the seed and now the flower blooms inside me, within my heart
nurture it, don’t let it wither and die kiss its petals with your love and
intent I need hydrating my flower needs hydrating straight down walking down
the train tracks tie me to the cable this bliss will be the end of me
the scent of a melody is ripe in my nostrils breathe it in…draw
deep…inhale…guitar sings to me, strum your vocal chords as accompaniment
carry me away to here let me relinquish myself to yesterday, today,
tomorrow, but especially today my wings are bruised and broken but they are
on the mend soon there will be here I can see it I can FEEL it I will give
it my all
twisted and gnarly but spouting new growth coming undone doing it back up
again over and over and over three twenty six open shut open shut spring is
my favourite time of year yes new growth is afoot the dead leaves will fall
and new ones shall take their place children leave your lights on do you
know what awaits you? oh what awaits me what awaits us all only the next
moment…the light of existence shines out of your eyes and into my very
essence knowing all the light of ‘god’ seeing all the one essence feeling all
loving all as I melt away back into it all utterly godsmacked by the beauty
of this world fear and doubt slip away I am brought to life let it all drip
into me and nourish my being feed me saturate my inquenchable thirst all
that is is all that is is all that is is all that is, isn’t it amazing? a
two-tittled eye? how very titalating these body rushes are intense make some
space inside your self and open up to all the endless possibilities BE! Hold
your self it’s all happening as we speak grinding and pulsating pleasantly
inside my head listen carefully to the eternal droning silence that is sound
let it ignite you and watch the sparks fly don’t fight any of it it’s all
just part of the process. I am almost home. Retro Magnolias.

This is, I believe the second stream of consciousness I ever wrote, still riding the wave of intense bliss that lasted several months after my first “kensho” or “sudden awakening” experienced as described in my first RB written piece, The Kensho Stream.
And the following thoughts, relating to the point I feel I am currently at in my journey to ‘awakening’ or ‘enlightenment’, I have felt the urge to “put it out there”, so to speak, and see what sort of other thoughts or ideas, if any, it might attract.

I am feeling a huge contradiction in writing all this, in fact even in the words “I am feeling”, (I guess these are personal words/language I have been using for so long that it is hard not to describe this experience of being me without them and break free of my own script.. or maybe in times like this when I am so painfully aware that it is a script which makes me more desperate for a new language,) because of my current ability to feel so much and yet at the same time be detached from “my own” emotions to a significant degree.
It “feels” (seems?) good that this detachment doesn’t detract at all from these emotions and their importance in my story, and I am still able to allow myself the pleasure and joy that are the bi-products (and chemical secretions from my own human brain) from my thoughts, feelings, and interactions, while being lucid enough to see them for what they are. Which ultimately are fleeting, just as this current flow of lucidity is, but all that “feels” okay. Ugh, I am over-using “inverted commas”… At the moment it seems like EVERYTHING needs inverted commas around it.
Ha, that seems like a great analogy for life sometimes!
I am also remaining aware that all these words are just more story, not at all free of intentions (which is totally okay), and I am not to be attached to my de-personalisation (or un-attachedness, haha). All this is, is some of that stuff that is always known, which is occasionally triggered and kicked back into true realisation temporarily, and I have to learn how to carry it through when it stops being “realised” quite so clearly… that seems to be the trickiest part. Ahh.. contradictions… and a duality… feeling so very dual about it all in this oneness.
I can’t help my brain looking for hidden intentions behind every word I write, as well as those which pop in and out of my head unexpressed. But it is okay to have intentions, I need to have them to simply operate as a human being; or the futility of it all, the attempt at remembering something I never forgot, of my “natural state”, the truth that there is no-thing to be done; would render me literally comatose, I think.
I don’t think I have ever truly appreciated this before, the importance (being the flip side of the hindrance) of intentions and story.
Right now it is enough for my story to believe that I intend-
1) to grasp and actualise these thoughts flying through my brain while they are happening, so I can explore them and see if they are of any worth (I wanted to say “before they are lost forever” but words like “lost” and “forever” will just send me way way off on other lengthy tangents! gotta keep pulling my self back!)
and 2) I wish to share all this, because I know there are many others out there who relate to my journey and understand not just this subject matter, but my own personal language, story, etc. and I deeply respect the thoughts, ideas, and current relative experience of others. In fact the simple want to share this, to send it out there into cyberspace, into the cosmos, seems enough right now. Or even more simply, “why not?”
At once I see the futility in all of this, in all these words and thoughts and any attempts to express them; while at the same time seeing that it is through this very act and these very words that I am existing and filling the void with right now, and so it’s all okay. Everything is.
I am comfortable sitting with not having anything to prove to you, or anyone, especially to my self. And the need to prove oneself seems like the biggest motivation, or intent, behind a lot of my thoughts and actions. And if I had to guess, I’d say that it would also be the case for pretty much everyone.

I’ve also been pondering my “awakening” experience of a few years ago. I have always had a bit of trouble throwing around terms like “enlightenment”, etc.
Anyway, I don’t want to get caught up on the whole “language” thing here again because I do believe it goes deeper than that, even though I know it is a big part of it. My own trouble I have with terms like “enlightenment” is that to me it seems like such a final thing, something to be achieved and then game over, go home, you win. I definitely think the path to enlightenment is just important as the result, and I relate it to the whole life drawing concept/philosophy (which is practiced by myself and others in my weekly life drawing group, and no doubt by many many more), where the process is perhaps even more important than the result. I, in fact, think there IS no result in practicing enlightenment, the whole thing is a journey. And maybe, there is the sudden direct experience of enlightenment, which doesn’t last, but for it to have any relevance to the rest of one’s days, it needs to be somehow integrated, moment to moment…?

Which brings me back to my previous awakening experience of several years ago… which I have been pondering on a lot lately… is possible I somewhat spontaneously discovered enlightenment, but perhaps for whatever reason, I was incapable at that time of integrating that experience to have a permanent impact on the rest of my life? Also, maybe sustaining enlightenment isn’t entirely possible; while at the same time, how can such an experience not have an ever-lasting impact?
I think that some of this might have to do with my seeming resistance to some aspects of the approach of fellow seekers sometimes; often it seems like a person can be too attached to the idea of achieving enlightenment, sort of like someone being more in love with the idea of being in love than their actual lover. Or, as I have heard it aptly described before, “pointing at the finger that is pointing at the moon.”
But I know that there are endless contradictions that go along with seeking enlightenment, such as how can you find something that you can not seek, etc. I withdraw because I am fearful of becoming to attached to concepts like “achieving enlightenment”, and trying to hold on to, or re-create my past awakening experiences.

I am told ‘enlightenment’ is not only the birth right of every man and woman, but is our natural state which is supposedly accessible and any time… I hope sharing these thoughts might inspire others to share also, so we can all act as catalysts for each others’ breakthroughs, contribute to the collective consciousness, and to ultimately help the evolution of the human race…


Retro Magnolias

Bonnie Aungle

Mullumbimby, Australia

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Artist's Description

A stream of consciousness written during a time of bliss… followed by more of my musings and ponderings about enlightenment, specific to my own personal journey, and all of the paradoxes, contradictions, dualities and illusions that ultimately are all aspects of the oneness, the unity, the essential and delicate balance of conditions required to WAKE UP.

For my first stream of consciousness and writings on this topic (ie part one), please feel free to read it here: The Kensho Stream

Featured in All Things Poetic, Artistic, Philosophical 26th July 2010

Artwork Comments

  • Suzanne German
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