The Shatner-era Star Trek Films in approx 15mins

In homage to the most excellent Cleolinda Jones I’ve now done my own set of ‘Movies in 15 minutes’, so far including Batman Begins, Transformers, Star Wars and JJ Abrams’ Star Trek. This one’s a bit bigger, and it includes all the Shatner-era Star Treks (soon to be followed by the Picard-era Star Treks).

So before we start, let’s be honest, they’re not all universally good (or even watched), but whatever…. engage!

Star Trek : The Motion Picture (1979)
[For the first half hour of the movie, a slow motion fly-by of the new Star Ship Enterprise ensues]
Kirk : So… do we, like, have a plot, or is this just a space cruise for nostalgia’s sake?
Scotty : I cannae say, cap’n. But she’s a sweet ride
Kirk : And what’s the deal with these uniforms? How am I ever going to pick up any hot alien babes looking like this, Bones?
McCoy : I’d a doctor, not a stylist.
Sulu : Apparently wearing pastel-coloured pyjamas in the workplace becomes really big in the future.
Kirk : Of course… and, ah. Spock, good to see you. What’s the plot?
Spock : Some… thing. Is out there…. destroying ships!
Kirk : Hey! That’s my line and my delivery!
Spock : … sorry.
Kirk : Right… well, I might just wander around the decks of my new Enterprise for twenty minutes.
Spock : Or I could tell you what’s going on and save some time?
Kirk : Eh… Tell me later. Or better yet, I’ll find out myself and then ask you about it
Spock : Very well.

[An hour of movie time later]
Kirk : Look at that huge cloud in space! I wonder what’s inside it and why it keeps blowing stuff up?
Spock : It’s a gigantic artificial intelligence evolved from the processor of a Voyager-class probe launched from Earth in the 1970s
Kirk : Wow. They barely even had functioning digital wristwatches back then. I wonder what it wants?
Spock : Apparently it wants to meet its mother
Kirk : Fascinating…
Spock : Hey! That’s my line and my delivery!

[Spock goes to meet up with it in a slow motion sequence taking approximately 45 minutes]
Spock :…. Interesting
Kirk : … Interesting
Audience : We reserve judgement
Spock : …
Kirk : …
Spock : I have nothing to add
The End.

Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan (1982)
[In Space, somewhere near Ceti Alpha V]
Khan : Kirk, you prick! You marooned me on this butthole of a planet a couple of decades ago!
Kirk : I’m sorry… and your name is?
Khan : I’m Khan Noonien Singh. From the original series? Back in the sixties?
Kirk : Oh, right. You’re that Ricardo Montalban guy. But… the planet I marooned you on was an oasis then!
Khan : Yes, but climate change happened!
Al Gore : I knew it!!
Khan : Actually, the planet changed orbit due to a gravitational shift ..
Al Gore : Oh.
Kirk : Bummer…
Khan : And for that oversight you couldn’t have known about, I’m going to destroy your ship and maroon you on this asteroid with your wife and son you didn’t know she had with you
Khan : I’d love to know which of those factors you’re screaming about more, but first..
Khan’s Ship : [pyoo]
Enterprise : BOOOM!!

[The Enterprise, whose shields were disabled using codes Khan has managed to acquire, suffers a staggering amount of damage]
Kirk : Scotty! Damage report!
Scotty : I estimate the damage will take sixteen months to fix
Kirk : And without the padding?
Scotty : About four hours
Kirk : You have three!
Scotty : …I can probably have it done in two…
Kirk : Sigh…. fine, here’s an extra fiver to motivate you to more while I’m on the asteroid pretending to be all defeated
Scotty : Already completed sir
Kirk : Wait.. what did you sa… [transports over to Asteroid] aw crap!!

[Meanwhile, the witty banter between Kirk and Khan continues]
Kirk : You have me on the asteroid. Anything else?
Khan : Give me that terraforming weapon you have
Kirk : I don’t know what you’re talking about
Khan : In that case I blow up your ship and the asteroid
Kirk : It’s over there [points]
Khan : And the instructions?
Kirk : I don’t know what you’re talking about
Khan : Bah, they’re probably on wikipedia anyway. Catch ya

[On Khan’s ship]
Khan’s Lieutenant : Sir, now that we have the device …
Khan : [reading the instructions, and kind of distracted] Yes…..
Khan’s Lieutenant : Well, sir. Frankly it’s been about twenty years since some of us have had a shower and we were wondering, with the Enterprise disabled couldn’t we just leave the area?
Khan : Can’t you see I’m reading this? Insert screws A through J into slot B to G12 using the inserted allen key. Where the hell is the Allen key?? Who wrote these instructions?

[Seconds later]
Khan’s Lieutenant : Sir?
Khan’s Lieutenant : But sir, Kirk has escaped and is back in command of the now functional Enterprise
Khan : What the fu…?

Enterprise : [pyoo]!
Khan’s Ship : [pyoo]!
Enterprise : Booomm!
Khan’s Ship : Booomm!

[On Khan’s Ship]
Khan’s Lieutenant : We’re getting a lot of damage. Perhaps we should withdraw?
Khan : No! Vengeance! Destroy them!

[On the EnterpriseA]
Kirk : Woohoo!!
Spock : We’re still more damaged than they are. We should probably withdraw?
Kirk : Okay, What about that nebula over there? We’d have ample space to hide and regroup in there
Spock : Well, sir, nebulae aren’t really useful for hiding. It’s only at extreme distances that they appear to have any kind of thick density. In reality…
Kirk : Spock! Over there! THAT nebula
Spock : That nebula… doesn’t really conform to any kind of spatial plausibility. It’s like paint swirled in a tank full of water on a special effects set
Kirk : And even so there it is. Move us in!
Spock : Yes sir.

[Back on Khan’s ship]
Khan : Ah, she flees in terror!
Khan’s Lieutenant : A perfect opportunity to withdraw with our prize. We’d never find them in there anyway.
Khan : NO! We pursue!
Khan’s Lieutenant : But… but… warm shower. Comfortable beds…
Khan’s Lieutenant : …
Khan : Look, son. James Horner’s seminal piece ‘Battle in the Mutara Nebula’ was specially composed for this upcoming scene. If we don’t go in there, we won’t get the music, and the music kicks utter ass. Or so I’m told. I’m not sure how it ends, but I have a good feeling it’ll go our way
Khan’s Lieutenant : Well, okay….

[Meanwhile, on the Enterprise]
Kirk : Spock, how many direct hits can we safely sustain in our current condition?
Spock : Exactly zero
Kirk : Hmmm… Scotty, how many photon torpedoes do we have left?
Scotty : Only two and we’re in a nebula with next to zero visibility
Spock : …
Kirk : Spock, I have a plan!
Spock : I’ll inform sickbay

[Realising that the super-intelligent and genetically superior Khan Noonien Singh – somehow – only thinks two-dimensionally, Kirk’s plan is to sneak up on the enemy’s ship from ‘below’]

Spock : This plan’s assumption that Khan is a complete nincompoop is so implausible it can not possibly work
Kirk : Listen to the leitmotif in James Horner’s score, Spock.. what does it say?
Spock : … that it will probably work

[The Enterprise sneaks up on Khan’s ship]
Enterprise : [pyoo!] [pyoo!] [pyoo!] [pyoo!] [pyoo!] [pyoo!] [pyoo!] [pyoo!]
Khan’s Ship : BBBOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

[Except it doesn’t blow up. Only all the interior fittings and fittings explode, killing the whole crew and fatally wounding Khan]

Kirk : Khan! Surrender, and we’ll spare you and your crew
Khan : My crew are all dead, a55hole.
Kirk : Oh. Sorry. I mean… well, sort of.
Khan : [Sets terraforming weapon to self-destruct]
Kirk : Nooooo!! Spock – what’s happening?
Spock : The explosion will tear a chunk out of space about THIS big [indicates]
Kirk : Scotty! Get us out of here!
Scotty : The damage we’ve sustained to the warp drive will take approximately eight months to repair
Kirk : Remove the freaking padding!!!
Scotty : four days
Kirk : Here’s a fiver!!
Scotty : six hours
Kirk : Look… I’ve got, like, twelve credits on me…
Scotty : I can give you four minutes.
Spock : … we don’t even have that long
Kirk : I have… a plan
Enterprise : [Beams over the terraforming weapon]
Khan : [On his ship, dying of anger and bleeding] It doesn’t matter Kirk. You won’t make it away in time.
Spock : What is your plan, captain?
Kirk : …
Spock : ?
Kirk : …
Spock : You want me to sacrifice myself to save everyone else, is that it?
Kirk : More or less
Spock : …
[Spock rushes through the ship. On his way punches McCoy in the face]
McCoy : Wtf? [collapses]
Kirk : Spock! You don’t have to do this!
Spock : Wait.. what?
Kirk : Actually, you do have to do this. I was trying to cheer you up by making you feel more heroic.
Spock : Thanks, appreciate it. [Dies] (apparently)
Kirk : Transporter room! Beam the terraforming weapon away
[The Terraforming weapon is beamed a safe distance away before exploding]
Terraforming Weapon : BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[A new planet is formed in the middle of space, as the Entrprise safely jumps away in the nick of time]
Kirk : WOO!! WINNER!!!!
McCoy : What shall we do with the dead Vulcan in the decontamination room?
Kirk : Oh yeah. Downer….
The End
Audience : Best Star Trek ever!!

Star Trek III : The Search For Spock (1984)
[Somewhere on earth]
Kirk : Man, I feel like a Woman
McCoy : Man, I feel like a Vulcan
Kirk : ??

[Somewhere on the planet Vulcan]
Vulcan High Priest : [Insert Exposition Here]
Kirk : … Which means?
Vulcan High Priest : Spock put his mind inside McCoy when he punched him in the face in the prior movie. Now you just need to search for the rest of him so his mind and body can be reunited.
Kirk : Well, there’s only one place the rest of him could be : where we left it on the planet created by the terraforming device.
McCoy : So it’s not much of a search for Spock, really, since there’s only one place he could be.

[Kirk approaches Starfleet for permission to go to the planet]
Starfleet : No!
Kirk : But…
Starfleet : No!

[Back on the Enterprise]
McCoy : They said ‘No’?
Kirk : Yeah.
McCoy : So you’re going to disobey orders?
Kirk : Yeah
McCoy: Why am I not surprised?
Kirk : I agree. This movie needs a Klingon enemy to give this movie a secondary plot

[Somewhere in space near the planet created by the terraforming device, Kirk finds a Klingon ship and its captain, who has three hostages with him]
Christopher Lloyd Klingon : Kirk, old chum. I’ve got three hostages and I’m going to kill one of them. It’s between your son, his hot mother, or this Vulcan dude you may or may not know
Kirk : Umm..
Christopher Lloyd Klingon : Any preference?
Kirk : If I’m honest, yes.
Christopher Lloyd Klingon : Screw, it. I’m going to kill your son.
Kirk’s Son : [Dies]
Kirk : That…. Is devastating, and yet if I’m truly honest, I would have picked him.

[However, the planet is unstable and is about to collapse in on itself. Fortunately, Christopher Lloyd Klingon wants to steal the Enterprise as well as kill Kirk, so Christopher Lloyd Klingon moves all his crew across to the new ship, leaving his old one unguarded. The silent self-destruct is triggered on the Enterprise, which blows up and Kirk & Co get away on the Klingon ship]
McCoy : You blew up the Enterprise???
Kirk : … I figure they’ll give me a new one
McCoy : Even though this mission was entirely unauthorised and in violation of direct orders and you’ll probably get court-martialled the instant you set foot on Earth?
Kirk : Well, yes. But let’s go to Vulcan and get Spock his mind back. We’ll worry about the other stuff later
[They Do]
The end.
Audience : Meh. Not sure about this one

Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home (1986)
[The movie starts with Kirk and his crew lounging around on planet Vulcan while Spock gets his restored mind and body together again after the events of the prior movie. Stripped of the rank of captain after disobeying orders in the prior movie, Kirk can take consolation in retaining private possession of a fully functional and presumably heavily beweaponed Klingon warbird which nobody has the guts to try to insist he hand back or surrender]

[Meanwhile life on Earth is Under Threat because its over-dependence on solar power means that when a newly arrived alien craft parks itself above earth and causes world-wide cloud coverage, everything runs out of juice]
Al Gore : I told you an over-reliance on fossil fuels would… wait. What??

Kirk : [Arriving in his private warship] What do these aliens want?
Starfleet : We’re not talking to you…
Kirk : And if I save your collective asses, you’ll reinstate me as captain, build me a new ship and forget all the treason and mutiny and other charges of desertion?
Starfleet : … ?
Kirk : Good enough for me. Spock, what do the aliens want?
Spock : They appear to want to talk to the whales
Kirk : Of course they do [slaps head]. Wait…. why is that a problem?
Spock : They’re extinct in this century
Audience : Oh… snap!!!
Kirk : Obviously, given I’m also from this century, I already knew that. So… Time travel then?
Spock : The risks are massively insurmountable and frankly, we don’t even know how to do it
Kirk : So we’re off?
Spock : Apparently
Kirk : Any ideas?
Scotty : Let’s orbit the sun really, really quickly!
Kirk : Wow, nobody ever thought of that before?
Spock : No, oddly not.
Kirk: Okay, Scotty, take us back in time to the most plausible and exotic location that a studio based in Hollywood, California in the 1980s can afford
Scotty : How about 1980s San Francisco?
Kirk : Do it!

[Fish out of water hilarity ensues as the crew hit 1980s San Francisco. Spock wears a bathrobe and a white headband, and that alone is Awesome. Kirk finds a good looking woman, which isn’t surprising, really, because he’s freaking Kirk and the Earth is in danger but that doesn’t mean you can’t also get laid]
Kirk : Whatever. We can always travel back further in time to any time that has whales, so it’s not like we’re working to a deadline
Spock : .. that’s … that’s actually true.
Kirk : I’m saying!
McCoy : Yeah… but we’re also getting old here and this junk food isn’t helping Scotty with his cholesterol levels
Scotty : Aye. Tis true.
Kirk : Oh, very well…

[Kirk finds an aquarium in San Francisco]
Kirk: [Heads on over to the entrance of the park] I’ll have some fairy floss, a cup of coke and two medium sized whales, my good man
Attendant : Sure, dude. Wait… what?
Kirk : Fine, just the fairy floss then. I’ll kidnap the whales later
Attendant : ??

[A short time later]
Two Kidnapped Whales : wtf?

[Back on the Enterprise]
Kirk : Okay, that was easier than I expected. How about getting back to the future?
Spock : Tricky, because the Enterprise is electrical and I need the plutonium to generate the 1.21 jigowatts of electricity
Kirk : 1.21 jigowatts?
Spock : Yes, but the only thing that powerful is a bolt of lighting
Kirk : Well… or some plutonium
Chekov : A Nuclear Wessel!
Kirk : … what?
Audience : Ahahahaha!!

[More hilarity ensues]

[After which]
Kirk : Okay, Spock. We’ve got the whales and the Plutonium and this hot babe who I told about our mission and I now need to bring back to the future with me
Spock : …?
Kirk : She’s totally hot, Spock. You would have done the same in my place!
Spock : … I doubt that.
Kirk : Spock! Focus. Scotty, how are we going to get back to the future?
Scotty : We need to get ourselves to 88 miles per hour
Kirk : In this thing? I don’t think it goes that slow. It like, does impulse but that’s still thousands of kilometres per hour, and then it has various warp speeds…
Spock : In that case, logic dictates it would be easiest to just wait here about 600 years and get the whales breeding. Or lobby for moratoriums stopping commercial whaling so that in 600 years there are still whales in the ocean
Kirk : Spock, the Japanese and Norwegians will never go for that. And besides, I’ve just kidnapped two freaking whales – you want me to just put them back and hope nobody notices or asks any questions?
Spock: …
Kirk : Meh. Let’s just try going around the sun really quickly in the opposite direction to last time and see what happens
Spock : I really don’t see how that could possibly work

[It totally works]

Starfleet : As promised, Kirk, the fact that you’re insubordinate, treasonous and have only a rudimentary concept of not polluting the timeline with your unstoppable womanising pales into insignificance over the fact that once again, you did what the brightest minds in the federation couldn’t. You are hereby reinstated into the Starfleet family, albeit with a reduced pay grade and a new ship
Kirk : Woo!
Enterprise Crew : Woo!!
Audience : Woo! Even-numbered Trek films rule!!!
The End

Star Trek V : The Final Frontier (1989)
William Shatner : I directed this one!
Audience : In Roman numerals, ‘V’ is an odd number, isn’t it?
William Shatner : I believe it is, yes
Audience : [Is apprehensive]

[On Earth, Kirk climbs a mountain and afterwards he and McCoy and Spock sing a camping song]
Spock : I don’t sing
Kirk : You do. It says so in the script.
Audience : Not horrible… or at least not offensively horrible… so far

[Incongruously, a planet, somewhere]
Spock’s Cousin : I’m stealing The Enterprise so that I can travel to the centre of the galaxy and find The Creator
Kirk : Why this ship of all ships?
Spock’s Cousin : Dude, you’re the director. You tell me.
Kirk : ..… Ummm… Yeah. Well anyway, tell you what, don’t steal the ship: here’s the keys, I’ll try to take them back off you over the course of the next hour or so and that will make for an exciting movie.
Spock’s Cousin : ??

[Uhura Dances]

Audience : Wait… what just happened?

[We continue…]
Spock’s Cousin : Very well. Guards! Take Kirk to the brig and then return to me!
Kirk : You can do better than that, surely?
Spock’s Cousin : Should I post some guards outside your cell?
Kirk : Yes, you should. But make it harder for me than that.
Spock’s Cousin : I could take some hostages and keep them on the bridge?
Kirk : Excellent. Anything else?
Spock’s Cousin : Seal off the bridge?
Kirk : Good, good. Now think of a few more things and DON’T tell me about them so I’ll have a chance to figure them out for myself
Spock’s Cousin : Ummm..… what if I’m out of ideas?
Kirk : I’ll try to take my time a bit, give you more time to think of something else
Spock’s Cousin : Thanks!
Kirk : No worries. I’ll put myself in the brig. Guards, escort me there
Guards : Very well.
[Kirk is put in the brig]

[Several moments later]
Kirk : Now. I’m taking back my ship
[Kirk escapes from the brig]

The Audience : [Is eyeing the exits to the cinema]

[Meanwhile, the Enterprise flies to the centre of the galaxy, which is a cloud, and inside of it is a being claiming to be an omnipotent and omnipresent god-like being lording over a totally desolate planet]
The Audience : [Claws at eyes]

Spock’s Cousin : This is not quite what I had in mind. I guess perhaps I should have sent a probe first rather than steal a ship and go there myself….?

[Then stuff happens. I don’t know… I watched this on video and probably started playing tetris or cutting my nails or something]
Stuff : [Blows up] (in all likelihood)
Spock’s Cousin : [Dies] (I suspect)

The Audience : Can we go home now?
Kirk : But… with the… oh, very well
The End.
Audience : Odd numbered Star Trek movies? Are freaking LAME!
William Shatner : So it’s not intrinsically my fault then?

Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country (1991)
The Klingon Moon : [Explodes]
The Klingon Empire : [Has less than a decade of life left]
Spock : We should help them out. It would be a great opportunity to make peace with our former enemies
Starfleet : And pick up some lucrative empire rebuilding contracts!! We vote Aye!
Secret Faction within Starfleet : But we have more to gain by war than by peace! We vote Nay!
Spock : The ayes have it

[A short time later]
Kirk : But the Klingons killed my son!
Spock : That’s why it will have more resonance if you’re the one to extend the olive branch of peace to them
Kirk : How insensitive are you?
Spock : In the spirit of which, I’ve already volunteered you, your ship, and your crew to make this happen
The Rest of the Crew : [bummed out]
Spock : Mind if I tag along, by the way?
Kirk : [murderous look]

[The Enterprise and the Klingon Chancellor’s ship meet in space]
Dinner Party Between Enterprise Crew and Klingon Crew : [Most awkward in history]

[Later that evening, aboard his ship, The Klingon Chancellor is assassinated, the assassins leaving behind starfleet issue antigravity boots. Such evidence is of course Incontrovertible insofar as any hastily convened show trial by a vengeful species is concerned]
Kirk : Yeah, but on the plus side… dead Klingon!!
Klingons : Kirk, we’re holding you responsible
Kirk : Sigh
Klingon : And taking you and McCoy back to the Klingon homeworld to face justice
Kirk : Sigh
Klingons : And putting you on trial
Kirk : Sigh
McCoy : What the hell did I do??

[Insert rigged show trial here]

Klingons : Guilty!!!!!!!
Kirk : Sigh
McCoy : Sigh
Klingons : Exile to Frozen Prison Planet!!!!
Kirk : Sigh
Klingons : Don’t you have anything to say at all?
Kirk : Actually I do- I no longer blame the Klingons. I blame Spock.
Klingons : Duly noted.
Spock : I’ll find the murderer and clear your name, Captain!
Kirk : Excellent. And as soon as I’m freed I’ll be coming to kill you
Spock : [Gulp]

[Spock tracks down the crew member onboard the Enterprise who acted on behalf of the conspiracy. Because Kirk took the rap for killing the chancellor, the peace conference will go ahead, but the conspiracy now plans to kill the new chancellor to once again derail it and keep the war that has already killed millions on both sides. But first, Spock feels compelled to rescue Kirk]
Kirk : [Has himself thrown out of the underground jail on Frozen Prison Planet into the inhospitable ice wasteland outside]
Spock : [Races to rescue him]
Kirk : Thanks for that. I’ll kill you later.
Spock : Yes, but first, we have to stop the assassination of the new chancellor
Kirk : Spock, while I no longer actively despise Klingons, I’m still not about to risk my life and my ship and my crew (in that order) to stop another old, ugly klingon chancellor from being killed just to stop a whole bunch of already wealthy starfleet politicians from getting even richer
Spock : Would it help if I mentioned the new Klingon Chancellor is the hot, young, daughter of the prior chancellor?
Kirk : Warp 9, people!!!

[The Assassination is stopped and peace is achieved, the Enterprise defeating a Klingon Warbird that can fire when cloaked by sending a missile aimed it its undefended exhaust port]
Spock : Interesting plan
Kirk : Saw it in a historical docu-drama once. George Lucas was the director.

[They beam down to the planet and stop an assassin who was busily assembling a 400 piece sniper rifle in a conspicuous balcony overlooking the main podium]
Kirk : Dude. A simple set of ceramic knives would have been easier and faster to deploy than this rifle
Assassin : Yeah… you’re probably right.
Hot Chancellor Babe: Kirk. You hated Klingons but saved my life. How can I ever repay you?
Kirk : Well…
Hot Chancellor : Dinner first at least?
[The End]
Audience : Even-numbered Star Treks rawk!!

TO BE CONTINUED (with an odd-numbered film in the Picard Series of Star Trek films)

The Shatner-era Star Trek Films in approx 15mins


Joined July 2007

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Star Trek I-VI summarised for your convenience, in script form.

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