Joined July 2007

Bernd Talasch doesn’t remember being hatched in a research laboratory in Omaha in the late 1950s so maybe that never happened....

Noah premiere - Crowe! Aronofsky! Watson! Connelly! etc

Was it really only yesterday that I braved the screams, tears and franchise-liciousness of the Divergent Premiere ? Apparently it was. And yet, here I was just one day later, for a premiere arguably even bigger (given the author whose works it was adapted from) : that of director Darren Aronofsky’s “NOAH”.

Here’s how it went down.

Okay, I’ll admit – this is one of the coolest ‘not red’ carpets they’ve ever had for a premiere : a FLOODED carpet and ark. Either that, or I really need to be getting out of here because I don’t think even my Pentax is waterproof enough to survive Biblical deluges.

That really is a great carpet. And fake rock. But I can admire it (and the 18 year old rapper with his underpants riding high) for only so long. For me this premiere came down to just one person set to attend: Jennifer Connelly. In the four(ish) years I’ve photographed premieres, she’d never once shown up at an award, event, or premiere for a movie she was in, nor had she accompanied her husband to any of the awards, events, or premieres for movies HE was in.

Did she, in fact, despite my fond recollection of the movie Labyrinth (1986), even exist?

“Rain? At the premiere of Noah? That would be so awesome you know it’ll never happen” and indeed, despite being overcast, it did not.

“REALLY? You like those Percy Jackson films? Well, that’s good to know because we’re going to keep on punching out sequels til we get a court order telling us to stop”. Logan Lerman plays “Ham” in the movie, which is a name so cool I don’t care whether it’s real or a practical joke perpetrated by imdb to celebrate that today is April 1st.

Patty Smyth collaborated on numerous songs on the soundtrack, though weirdly she doesn’t look much like the photo of her on wikipedia, and that was taken in 2011. I can’t explain it, but it’s approaching midnight for the second night in a row and it’s not a mystery I can wholly dedicate my time to. Not with Jennifer Connelly not yet being in this journal.

“Oh, I’m sorry – if you think you can sign a better and neater Darren Aronofsky autograph than I can you’re welcome to do so.” This is director Darren Aronofsky, who also directed “Black Swan” for which he was nominated for an Oscar. (I recommend his movies ‘Pi’ and ‘Requiem for a Dream’ even more Highly. Well… make sure you don’t mind being depressed by ’Requiem before sitting down to watch it)

Ray Winstone plays the main bad guy in the film. Well… in saying that, his character isn’t the one who DROWNS the world. (But okay, look, I’m here to photograph Jennifer Connelly, not get into theological discussions, so tweet me if you think I should watch Divergent, not if you think I need to revisit my religion).

“That guy over there bought a copy of ‘The Sweeney’ on DVD on a ferry from Denmark to Germany and I’d like to shake his hand”. Ray Winstone is very well informed. It cost me all the kronur I had on me at the time, but then again once in Germany I had no need of them.

This is not Jennifer Connelly. This is Douglas Booth, who plays one of Russell Crowe’s sons in the film. Although, having seen the trailer, nobody’s hair looks even slightly as good in that film as Douglas’ does at this premiere. If you recognise Douglas Booth, imdb opines that it’s probably due to the movie “LOL (2012)” so clearly I don’t know Douglas Booth.

“No, I am not ‘quote’ That Guy From Divergent ‘unquote’ " Agreed. I was at that premiere yesterday and nobody had hair that amazing. Douglas’ character’s name in this film is “Shem”. No surname. I guess it’s like “Cher” or “Prince” or “Madonna”…

“So… about that beard Ray Winstone is sporting in the film. Who ended up keeping it as a souvenir of their time working on the movie?” Forget the special effects, you should watch the Noah trailer just for Winston’s lisp and his two pronged and mudstained beard. I haven’t seen anything like it since I last saw a Finnish symphonic metal band live in concert. They were very loud, but being from Finland, they were also very polite. (Please let me know if Jennifer Connelly show up…)

“WOW! That trailer is amazing! Am I in that film?” Emma Watson has arrived. She was in a little film called ‘The Perks of Being A Wallflower’ which I really liked. Oh, and the Harry Potter films.

“I’m just going to put this interview on hold while Logan Lerman also admires the special effects in the trailer for a movie which doesn’t resemble the one he remembers being in” Actually, they built a full size Ark to the same dimensions of the one mentioned in the Bible for the movie. But I believe the Earth flooding was not covered by the insurance company they went with, so they went digital for those scenes.

Meanwhile, Jared Harris isn’t actually in this film – he played Moriarty in the most recent Robert Downey Jnr / Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes film. Still.. until Jennifer Connelly arrives, I’m happy to photograph him, the carpet, the fake styrofoam rocks and failing all that Russell Crowe.

How many people does it take to sign an Emma Watson autograph? Apparently somewhere between four and eight.

Newsflash from Leicester Square : Jennifer Connelly exists!!

Newsflash from Leicester Square : Jennifer Connelly continues to exist, and appears to be awesomely friendly. Which thankfully means her prior absence from all premieres and events appears not to be the result of inherent evilness. Which, yes, is a compliment. (The candour and honesty of my compliments to The Ladiez are one of the things about myself I admire most) (calling them ‘The Ladiez’ I’m not sure about)

I should probably say something clever. Seductive. Compliment her dress. Her shoes. Her teeth. Something. Anything. Needless to say I’m still single… but both frustratingly (and helpfully) I do remember to take photos even on occasions my brain is frazzled like this.

I could take photos of Jennifer Connelly all day… as evidenced by the fact that (a) I am, and (b) apparently Hugh Jackman has randomly shown up and as at this moment I am not too fussed. (I’m genuinely sorry, but if you wanted Hugh Jackman photos you also could have made the time and travelled to London for this event)

I’m not entirely certain about this thing with wearing small bluetooth headsets as jewellery, but I’m going to say I like it. As for the dress? I’m pretty impressed. I assume it was made using slave labour conditions and sells for a trillion times its labour cost… but there are some ladies that might be considered worthy of that. (Again… working child labour into a compliment paid to a beautiful woman… yay/nay?)

“She’s beautiful, pretty, talented, an Oscar winner, married to Jarvis from Iron Man, her dress is cooler than my suit, her hair is amazing…. in fact I don’t know where I’m going with this question so I’m going to trail off uncomfortably and hope she can save me from myself…” Jennifer Connelly will do her very best.

“Okay, I’ll sign more autographs. But that guy’s compliments scare, annoy and intrigue me in equal measure” I still call that a victory. Of sorts.

Oh very well. Here’s Hugh Jackman.

Emma Watson scale shot. She does indeed look petite, though I’m not saying any right hook she could throw wouldn’t hurt. Those of the bodyguards I assume would.

“I’m sorry, I’m kind of too cool to see you right now” She didn’t say that – in fact I’d say Emma Watson signed more autographs than anyone else of the cast, and it’s not as if they didn’t all sign a lot. Kudos to nice people. (The people behind me whose forward motion might have put many tsunamis to shame, were equally polite, they just didn’t care much about the damage they were causing to my ribcage)

He honestly had no idea there was such a thing as “A Beautiful Mind” merchandise. Russell Crowe won a Best Actor Oscar for being in ‘Gladiator’ but in my opinion that role could have been played just as well by Kurt Russell, Gary Busey or possibly (but probably not) Keanu Reeves. But conversely I thought he was brilliant in A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man, 3:10 to Yuma and The Next Three Days… and those only garnered a single nomination.

And then, surprisingly, those on the carpet took on a rather sombre tone for a few minutes. I’m not sure what happened. It’s not like the dealers, fans and crazies behind me stopped surging forward like a zombie horde or anything.

If I’m reading the body language correctly, and I’d like to think I am, it appears it’s me and not Russell Crowe who was her greatest inspiration on set during the making of this film? I’m honoured, of course. These journals don’t write themselves.

“….I have nothing to say right now” To be fair to host Alex Zane, that’s kind of my vocal reaction to Jennifer Connelly as well, so I won’t judge him too harshly.

“My dress? Yes, my dress appears to be semi-translucent under what you laughingly call ‘the right kind of light’….. if any of the people taking photos could please be discreet with your editing I’d appreciate it. Also your HEAD appears to have disappeared inside that camera you’re now wearing and it’s frightening me”

Emma Watson’s neck vein doesn’t get a lot of work, but when it does its dedication to its craft can surprise you.

“You rocked in that movie I directed you in, Russell!!!” Director Darren Aronofsky heckles from the upper balcony, which is a location very few stars use for that (or any other) purpose.

“The guy up there literally showed up on set every day and tried to tell me what to do. It was crazy.” I assume he meant Darren Aronofsky and not the author of the book.

And on that cheerful note (and that amazingly high disembodied hand on the left), it’s time to head back to the office to pick up my stuff, and rush to the train station and see how delayed tonight’s train home is. Fifteen minutes? Enough time to buy takeaway dinner, then!

So… that was pretty great, actually! Maybe it’s more fun to write when I can be cynical, but every now and then it’s nice to be at a premiere that’s…. well… nice. It’s another one for The Archive of Movie Premieres and hopefully I’ll be able to find enough sleep in the next four or five hours to make it to tomorrow’s smaller premiere as well.

Until next time!

Twitter : @berndt2_photo

Divergent – Woodley! James! Winslet! Roth!
The Muppets Most Wanted – Miss Piggy! Kermit! Gervais! Burrell! Tucci!
Captain America : The Winter Soldier – Evans! Johanssson! SLJackson!
The Monuments Men – Clooney! Damon! Murray! Goodman! Dujardin!

Journal Comments

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