Joined July 2007

Bernd Talasch doesn’t remember being hatched in a research laboratory in Omaha in the late 1950s so maybe that never happened....

Star Trek Into Darkness World Premiere - JJ! Pine! Cumberbatch! Saldana! Eve! Quinto! Pegg!

Well, this is a BIG one. A world premiere, in London, for a Star Trek movie. JJ Abrams has already taken the shreds of a once proud franchise that had fallen on hard times, and gave us the fantastic Mission Impossible 3. Then he took the shreds of a once proud franchise and gave us Star Trek (2009). And…. he’s doing the sequel to that now. I loved the 2009 film and I was at the premiere of that and even penned my own 15 minute version of the script so there was no way I was missing this one.

Here’s how it went down.

Giant Star Trek symbol in the heart of London. Almost not as noteworthy as the Evil Genuis Dude rubbing his hands mysteriously and gleefully underneath it. Not sure what he was planning.

Star Trek premieres now feature dresses, a majority FEMALE crowd, and can be held outdoors during daylight. This franchise has come a long way, baby.

“Hi, I’m Alex Zane your host. And tonight, I’m going to use this opportunity to chat with some of Hollywood’s best and brightest and get advice on how to ask a girl out. (A) because Star Trek is cool for guys AND GIRLS now, and (B) come on, as if you’re not going to watch this film. It’s looks effing awesome. Now let’s go…”

It had seemed like such a good idea when they were joking about it back at the station…

“You agreed it sounded like a great idea back at the station, so we’re doing this. Dressing up in Star Wars gear at a Star Trek premiere is either going to get a laugh or get you thrown out. Either way, it’s not like I stand to lose anything”

Noel Clarke is both British and in this movie. That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m craning my neck waiting for JJ Abrams or Alice Eve to show up.

Zoe Saldana, aka Uhura shows up, which is in no way a bad thing at all either.

“Ah, excellent. It’s Damon Lindelof, everybody. And if I want to write a love letter to the girl I’m trying to woo that leaves her confused, dazed and disoriented and thus more susceptible to my charms, this is the man I can rely on for that. Am I right?”

Writer Damon Lindelof is/was one of three authors involved in this story. He was also involved in writing Lost, Prometheus and Cowboys and Aliens, so… toss a coin, really.

Zachary Quinto, aka Spock, arrives and telepathically high-fives sections of the crowd. I didn’t know Vulcans could do that.

Noel : “How would I impress a girl? Sharp suit and tie, that’s pretty important. But it’s all in the shoes if you ask me”
Alex : “Damnit I’m wearing sneakers. Nike. Black”
Noel : “Dude. Poor move”

“I’m really only scared of crazed Benedict Cumberbatch fans, and boom mikes that extend too far behind me. Other than that, I’m pretty cool, man”. Simon Pegg, aka Scotty, has arrived and is answering the really tricky questions.

Alice Eve has arrived. And my camera shoots at 8 frames per second and has a 16GB card in play. Let’s dance. (wait… did that come out creepy or vaguely cool. I can’t really tell. I was going for cool).

JJ Abrams has arrived. He’s pretty awesome, actually, if I may be allowed to geek out a little….(you know, at a Star Trek premiere I queued four hours for). I’ll try to keep the open weeping to a minimum, though, which is something that not every girl here can claim.

Benedict Cumberbatch arrives to the sound of a thousand urgently excitable female cheers, and promptly kisses Alice Eve. Well, played, Sir.

Benedict Cumberbatch then kisses Zachary Quinto and the randomness/ awesomeness quotient of this premiere just burst past the Iron Man3 premiere from two weeks ago.

Four cast members. One thing everybody in the cast said when interviewed was how much they liked working with each other— which I believe. Benedict Cumberbatch was probably blessing newborns and kissing the catering team on set just to keep morale super-high.

Chris Pine, aka Captain Kirk, acknowledges at least four of the five dollars he still owes me!

“Hey, is that UHURA and MCCOY fanfiction? I love it.. I’ll take one”. Karl Urban IS the great Dr McCoy.

“Wait… is that an Uhura and McCoy fanfic? I’ll… I’ll take one also, please”

“How to impress a girl? I play an engineer. Wear a good digital wristwatch, I guess?” Well, great. Mine’s analogue.

“Me? Well… flowers, I suppose”

“…or Wrestling tickets. Wrestling tickets are good. Also …sportscars.”
I’m writing this down. This is good stuff.

Stephen Fry lends Class to all premieres, even ones where Benedict Cumberbatch is anointing future popes and absolving sins. They have GOT to get him out next week for Fast & Furious 6. (Fry, not Cumberbatch. Or either, really)

“Of course you don’t recognise me from DREDD. I was a CHIN for that whole movie!!!” (Wait… no love advice from Karl Urban?)

“Hi, I’m Benedict Cumberbatch, and you might remember me from the chant *”OMFG IT’S BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH"* you’ve been hearing for the past fifteen minutes. Sorry about that."

“And my invisible friend… his name’s Jerry. But I’m thinking of changing his name to Benedict. For obvious reasons”

“Now watch this. I’m going to ask Alice Eve about dating advice, but everything will be phrased so it could also ambiguously be used to ASK HER OUT. It’s genius”
Alice : “Not so much if the microphone is on, champ”

“Alex, did you just use the third past participle to ask me how I’d ask YOU out if I were YOU??”
Alex : “Maybe. And…?”

“But that doesn’t even make any sense!”
“I disagree, Alice. Let’s discuss it over dinner?”

“Okay, Alice. Now I want you to imagine you’re on a beautiful beach…”
Alice : “And are there thousands of women screaming for Benedict Cumberbatch on that beach?”
Alex : “Probably”

JJ Abrams approaches. And I might have added one or two lens flares artificially in photoshop. Love me some lens flares, and JJ Abrams as we know is both the patron saint of Saving Franchises and of Lens Flares.

“Could somebody please turn down the… oh. Right. I see what you did there. Very clever”. Lens flares, baby. JJ Abrams loves Lens Flares. And I love them enough that I’m up at 1am generating them in photoshop. I call this photo Prince of Flares and I kid because I genuinely love.

“Well, Alex. I think having a decent camera is one way to impress somebody”
“What, like an iPhone??”
“It depends on the instagram filter. Check this out : sepia!!”

Not sure who, but it beats photographing the Boy Band from X-Factor who were up on stage about this time. I don’t think they’ve been alive for any iteration of Star Trek except the prior JJ Abrams movie.

“In order to impress a girl, I really think you need to captain a starship”
“Well, I drive a 1996 Nissan Pulsar automatic sedan. Is that good enough?”
“Quite possibly”

“And FINALLY, Ladies and Gentlemen (and Ladies again)….he destroys parts of London in this film, which ordinarily should make us exceedingly wary of him… it’s Benedict Cumberbatch!”

“I find that threatening to blow up a woman’s home planet usually gets results”
“Well, sure. But what if your home planet is the same as hers?”
“Yeah, that’s a problem.”

“Alternatively, you could impress her by cooking a great pasta”
“Do Supervillains tend to create great pasta?”
“Their minions do, yes”

“Well, Alex. I tend to mention that I’ve saved two franchises and am attempting to save a third. Not so much to impress women, but to impress pretty much anybody”
Yeah. Good point. Nobody can compete with that.

“Also, needless to say and because somebody needs to say it : watch the film. It’s pretty terrific.”

I’m totally there. Overall, this one was pretty awesome. And it’s very late and I’m very tired, too, but it’s going straight into the Archive of Movie premieres right next to its predecessor!

And it would be remiss of me not to encourage you as a Star Trek fan not to read my version of Star Trek 2009 as a 15 minute movie

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