Lets Tell It How It Is

I wasn’t actually going to write this you know? I didn’t see how you needed an explanation when you didn’t even need to know what was going on. But I was reading something from a file I put together nearly a year ago and I came across this:

“Those in the dark at the back, listen hard.
Those at the front in the know, those of us,
Who have, Hands Up
Let’s Show that inch of Lacerated skin
Let’s Tell It How It Is.”
I Say I Say I Say by Simon Armitage

And that convinced me to, as one in the know, to tell you and everyone else, how it actually is.

Well I suppose I agreed to do this: a story of my self harm, and the damage I inflicted onto my body just do I could survive the hell in which I lived. Kind of like Cory Anderson said:

“Self Injury is a distress not madness. We should be congratulated on finding a way of surviving.”

I wasn’t trying to kill myself that was something I never intended at all. I did what I did to give myself a release from the pressures and tensions that I had to live with. Just as Richely James Edwards stated:

“Self Mutilation is a very different issue to suicide. It is controlled pain, person to you. Allowing you to live/exist to some degree.”

If you think about it what I do isn’t really much different to what most people do when they are stressed, upset or angry, excluding the fact that most people take it out on other peoples with their tongue, yet I take it out on my self with a razor blade. What do you do? Shout at people who irritate you? I don’t, I take that anger out on myself, using whatever comes to my hand, a razor blade, a knife, a pair of scissors or maybe even a piece of broken glass when I get to that state it really just doesn’t matter.

“People have strong feelings against self injurers, but they those who have these strong opinions take their own emotions out on other people, yet a self injurer just takes them out on themselves” – Author Unknown

I remember very clearly the first time I cut. It was a cold dreary day in March, it had rained all day and school had been just as dull and grey, but my coursework deadlines for all my subjects were virtually upon me and the pressure upon my about that and my GCSE’s was unbearable. Also my father had come home, shouted at me and then later hit me. He was just the final straw. Something inside me just snapped later that night.

After he went out, I signed onto the internet to talk to one of my best friends. He happened to be the only person on my contact list online so I was ok I didn’t get disturbed while I was talking to him. To Matthew I said:

How can…: You know what Matt? I can’t do this anymore.
We at M….: Do what? Talk?
How can…: No, handle this crap any more I just can’t do it.
We at M…: Yes you can. You’re just upset right now, and stressed.
How can…: That’s not the half of it, and you know it.
We at M….: That’s in the past, a memory.
How can…: Look I’ve got to go… Talk to you soon, I might call you later.
We at M…: Please take care of yourself. Please call me; I need to know you’re okay.
How can…: I’ll try. See you. Take care of yourself for me ok?

-There I signed off, and sometimes I really wish I’d stayed to talk to him, he might have stopped what became a landslide of despair, depression and blood before it hit critical point. If I had stayed talking to him, he would have understood and helped, because he’d taken that trip himself, I would discover later.

After I’d signed off I hated myself even more, for burdening Matt with my problems. I wandered downstairs to the kitchen – no-one was home, my father had gone out to get himself drunk by that time.

I wandered around in a daze until I found the knife block, and suddenly it sprang to my mind, that if maybe I made myself hurt, I’d feel better. Then slowly I selected the sharpest knife and wandered back to my room.

“Tell me that you don’t take that blade to you’re wrist, drag it across your skin and pray for the courage to press down.” – Girl Interrupted

Once I was back in my room I drew the knife across the inside of my forearm, – 23 times in fact if I remember correctly. The pain I felt was bliss, a release to me, I’d never felt so free. So Calm. As I watched the blood slowly well up out of those fissures of parted skin, suddenly I realised what I had done, and dabbed the blood away. I was suddenly called, in shock as to what I’d been driven to, I had cut myself, harmed myself. Thus began my spiralling fall into self harm.
Many times after that I was driven to that stare. That black creature with no hope, no feeling of safety and no calm until she sliced her flesh and opened her veins to the world and let the blood run out.

I bled just to feel alive, to keep myself tied to this world. Ironic isn’t it? That I cut myself, something that could quite easily lead to my death, just to feel alive.

“You bleed just to know you’re alive.”
-Iris
By The Goo Goo Dolls

I’ve never tried to kill myself intentionally. Yes I admit I’ve come close to succeeding unintentionally a couple of times, but I am still here, I refuse to breathe my last breathe on this plain yet, I think I’ll hold it inside for now, so I can find my life and who I want to be.

“Can you feel me in your arms?
Holding my last breath
Deep inside myself
Sweet raptured light,
It ends here tonight.”
-My Last Breath
By Evanescence

I finish this with a final few words. No matter what you think of what I do, don’t judge me because of it, let me be, and come to your opinions of me for who I am, not what I do. I may cut my self, I may be a self harmer, but remember I am human, I have feelings.

And my last quotes, is hope:

When the day is long, and the night,
The night is yours alone
When you think you’ve had enough, of this life
Well hang on.
Coz Everybody Hurts
Hell everybody cries
Sometimes
-Everybody Hurts
By REM

Lets Tell It How It Is

BekaL

Ilminster, United Kingdom

  • Artist
    Notes

Artist's Description

This was originally written as a piece of coursework for my A Level, it describes the first time I resorted to self harm, a problem which I am now recovering from.

Tags

harm life self

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