Letter to Jones

Dear H.b. Jones,
It’s crazy how you easily and quickly became one of my favorite people ever. You brought out feelings in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time… a very VERY long time. Butterflies rioted inside me whenever I saw or thought about you. It was revolting. Nauseating even. It me sick to my stomach how much I liked you but I didn’t mind despite knowing you for such a short time. You were the best thing to happen to me. I honestly enjoyed spending time with you and talking to you more than with anybody I knew. I loved being with you, having you close to me. I could have spent hours just staring at you looking at me with those eyes of yours and smiling. Oh, and the way you got so nervous when we first met was so cute. I remember wanted to kiss you so bad but I didn’t know how to go about it cause you made me so extremely nervous. Then there was that time you were sitting in front of me holding my arms, our noses almost close enough to touch, and I got so nervous I almost couldn’t breathe. My heart was beating so hard it would have fell out if not for my chest holding it in.

But as we spent more time I learned to control all of that. I got more comfortable with you. The only thing, I was afraid of and nervous about was us being together. I was ready to end it before anything even started but you made me so, so happy, more so than I had been in a while so I didn’t. I stopped trying to analyze our relationship and just let it be. I shut out every doubt in my mind and followed what I felt in my heart. I didn’t know how long this was going to last and I didn’t want to know either but I hoped and was looking forward to it being a long time. We came across a little bump in the road and I got so upset. I wanted to punch someone square in the face. Anger was just pulsing through me. I felt so out of place… My mind was a mess. All that made me realized just how strongly I felt. I normally don’t get that upset over just anybody. I was willing to do anything just to be with you (even if it meant changing certain things on my part).

In my mind’s eye we were perfect. I wouldn’t have changed nor traded us for anything. I never ever got tired of you. You were always my favorite part of each day. And when I didn’t see you it felt like a piece of me was missing. Maybe that was my one mistake. Maybe I got too attached to you because suddenly everything was different. You went from this sweet caring person I was starting to truly love to this person I didn’t know how to deal with anymore. You had me going crazy. You changed without a warning from one day to another. You stopped calling me baby. You stopped texting me in the morning and the rest of the day for that matter. It seemed you could careless whether we spoke or not. You became distant with me. I didn’t understand… Still don’t understand fully what happened between us… How things made a complete 360. Or maybe it was because I was honest with you. Perhaps too honest… Either way you were gone just like that and there was nothing I could do to change that. Bottom line: You didn’t want me anymore.

Do you know how much you hurt me? I felt like someone had taken a hold of my heart and was squeezing the life out of it, digging their nails deep inside. I was cold and shaking despite my room being warm. Phone in hand. I listened to you say the words I knew were coming but dreaded to hear. I wanted to tell you to shut up. Tell you I didn’t want to hear it. But the words didn’t escape my mouth. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt so much because of how hard my heart was beating. More than anything I wanted to escape myself at that moment. I was over life. A part of died a little. The tears just would not stop. I was angry. Disappointed. Heartbroken. I couldn’t sleep no matter how bad I tried. I listened to music to calm down and started breathing properly again. Eventually I fell asleep. I couldn’t eat the next few days after that. I felt nauseous. (I know you must think how “dramatic” of me right?) All I kept thinking was about you and our trajectory. What had just happened? I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

From the beginning I had a feeling that you would be one of those people that would come in to my life and shred my heart. You were trouble. I should’ve known better than to fall for you and your trickery. But the world keeps moving and life goes on right? Cause you sure moved on. You know what… Congrats! I couldn’t be any happier for you. Sometimes in life you have to learn to take the good with the bad. I just hate that I’m left with all these stupid feelings for you.

I miss you more than I can handle.

I really do but it’s whatever Jones. Do what you want.

Love always,
Pumpkin

Letter to Jones

awsmgrl

Jackson Heights, United States

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