My Self

I have been living on bread and stuff.
Somehow I just cannot get enough
Of whatever it is that makes people successful
Somehow my life continues to become more stressful.

Sometimes I think that I have lost it all
And I cry and I cry but why should I ball?
There are people out there with lives far worse than mine,
Yet I selfishly think that mine is the worst,
Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst.
I am sinking and drowning in my river of tears,
What have I done to myself these past few years?

I simply want to get my life back on track..
But no matter how much I try I just cannot seem to get it back.
I am unemployed and living with my mother
She supports me and my 22 ½ year old brother.
I feel so ashamed to be stuck back at home
When I am already 25 years old
I am broke without a penny to my name.
I owe so many people and bill collectors and have no one to blame.
I have one thing going for me that is my bachelor’s degree.
Well, actually two things, thank God for my family.

I have lost touch with all of my old friends
Life keeps on going, but it feels like mine is about to end.
I am so confused about what I should do.
How can I cope and make it through…
These trials and tribulations of my life?
Everything I have tried to do seems to cause more strife.

I only wish to feel some peace of mind
And to leave all of my past and ugliness behind
But the ghosts haunt me because of my ignorant decisions.
Sometimes I feel like I am in prison.
The walls are closing in on me
I feel that I am losing hope and may never be free.

I am a lost little child
Yet, stuck in the body, of a woman gone wild
I feel like a failure, a loser, and a shame,
To my soul, to my God, to my family, to my name.
I know that things always change
But for me it seems that they get worse every day
I pray that God has an amazing plan to arrange
For me to be someone, in a special kind of way.

But perhaps that prayer is a waste of hope and energy
Because I have free will to do and to be, whatever I am capable of being
So I shall continue to try to pursue happiness and peace.
I hope that I find it, to finally feel a release.
Before it is my time and I am deceased.

I want to help others and bring joy to the world and to the Heavens above
But all I have to offer to others is my undying love…
And maybe that is enough…
However, from the perspective of this world, that is nothing.
I am supposed to be a working, taxpaying contributor to society.
Then and only then, will I have any worth in the others’ eyes, as I see…
I look into others’ minds, hearts, and souls.
And what I see is that I should not be me.
To others I am as worthless and as useless as garbage in the street.
Maybe I should just surrender, give up, and welcome defeat.

But I do not desire to hurt the ones who I love
And by quitting and giving up, that would pain them inside
I am lost and confused, helpless, and abused, neglected by my self.
Without any energy to tear down and rebuild my health.
Maybe it is due to my selfish pride that I do not just get it over with
And die altogether inside; so rather I walk around in pity for me.
Hoping to find an answer to a question that I seek
Yet I have so many questions and still have no answers
Confusing me even more, making me think this stress will lead to cancer.

What questions should I be asking; what am I doing wrong?
I have remorse and have repented for my past sins, so why am I still singing this song?
Is this the song of my life, my legacy, who I am meant to be?
A lonely, empty shell of a human being, who once was a beautiful, little, innocent girl
Left alone to rot in this cold harsh world?

Some tell me that I am gifted; some say that I am intuitive, perceptive, resilient and strong…
Some say that I am beautiful, empathetic, and caring…
But something inside of me says that they are all wrong.
So maybe I am a bad seed and this is my penitence,
To grow to be an ugly tree
In every meaning of the word ugly’s essence.

But why me, why cannot I grow to be a beautiful weeping willow tree?
As I lie awake at night, weeping and weeping, dwelling on what I have done to me.
I asked for the truth and it glared its hideous head at me
So is the person, whom I hope to someday become
Someone I cannot ever truly be?

At night I lie alone and stare blankly into space,
And oh how I feel so completely out of place…
So the world keeps on turning and life keeps on going…
While all the while, I continue becoming more and more sheltered and separated from the world.
Yet I go on still knowing…
That I am somehow alone,
Even when others are with me.
Although we are all in God’s most gracious company
My soul secretly longs for much more…
That is the longing to be free,
As I once was long, long before.

Free of the person, who I am today,
Free of the person, who I was yesterday…
And free of the person, whom I will become one tomorrow…
But if I cannot be free of this
Then I would settle for much less…
And that is to be free of my unthinkable, sad, and pathetic sorrow.

For now I live, actually to be precise, I get by, within a secret fantasy world within my own mind.
Where I, along with everything and everyone else, have its time and its purpose…
Yet even within the confines of my own mind,
I stumble along so incredibly blind…
To the purpose, which I seek but somehow can never seem to find.
So even within my own secret fantasy world, I am still an outcast…
To every other splintered piece of myself; all together glaring at me,
As if I had stolen from them all of their wealth.
So lonely, so broken, so fearful, I ask, how long will I continue to carry on,
In my made up hell, how long can this last?

Perhaps the answer is simply that, some questions are meant to be left unasked…
That the actual truth of the matter in question is something I cannot grasp.
So in an effort to somehow maintain a bit of my sanity
I replay lyrics of songs in my head, trying to imagine a better person, whom I could one day be.

So, I have sought out and then climbed up to the top, of the highest mountain I could ever find…
Only to learn that my place was somewhere down there along the base of that weary mountain trail…
That I had long before climbed and felt so reluctant to go back and find, for fear I might again fail.
Tired, weak and so utterly unprepared, to venture forth and make my own way out there
So I take one step forward and then I take two steps backwards.
Although I know that the manner in which I have chosen to walk is absurd.
It is the safest and at this moment in time, the only way I can allow myself to travel on.
I wish to recapture the long lost, overflowing strength I once had in my youth but it is long gone.
I cannot even recall now where or when I lost it
Perhaps it slipped away from me between the darkness of night and the light of the dawn.
But even without my strength, I must still, find some particle of strength lingering within my will…
To lend me enough hope to retrace my steps and climb back down this enormous hill.
For if I wish to find my place among the masses,
I must conquer that, which is within me that always passes
By the opportunities, which God has granted so lovingly to me.
To one day finally become the human being I have always intended to be.

It has been said that human nature is never fully satisfied.
And although experience had taught me this, I have foolishly tried…
To fill that infinite void that we all have inside…
With anything and everything a person could use…
As I consistently struggle with this unyielding self-torture and merciless abuse.
In order to end this vicious cycle of self-torture and to break these unseen chains of unconsciously demanded self-punishment.
I have consciously chosen to strive to forgive and to love myself, as another means to repent…
For a lifetime full of sins and for time not well spent.
However guilt ridden I have lived in the past…
By torturing myself, I have painfully learned at last…
That I must forgive and love myself, although this rule is assuredly the most difficult of all to follow.
Facing our true selves and then loving our true selves can be most heart wrenching to swallow.
So, we must all, make a conscious choice, to both love ourselves and live or to hate ourselves and die.
It is only by loving ourselves that we are empowered to forgive.
Lest we shall drown ourselves in the rivers of tears we cry.
Or alternatively we could just give up on our lives until we fade out…
All the while, ignorant of a future potentially full of bliss, dying in a drought.
Never knowing of the infinite possibilities we would miss, by simply not giving in, to our own self-doubts.

My Self

Ana Racic

Pittsburgh, United States

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