where exactly?

its time to make up my mind. but chaos sits in every turn. perplexity hounds me…..night after night, after night. where? where am i meant to be after this…this…this whirlpool of dramas and pretenses? what about him? he shouldn’t have come. well yes, i did beckon, i recall. but that was for the night. or weekend. or so i kept telling myself. it’s been over a month now. still waiting. will he do it? will he say it? and where? where to next? exactly! relax, quit, should be that easy right? NO. when you had been to the bottom of a rabbit hole, trust me, its not that simple. i refuse to make it simple. so i struggle. struggle to fathom the unyielding strength of denial. denial. it never seems to leave my side. too afraid to let go perhaps? of course, its the fear, the nagging paranoia of not knowing exactly where to go! that’s it – a futile effort to see beyond…. and so i grope. again. well maybe, i refuse to see because i am addicted. addicted to the exhilirating feeling of victory, of how i always manage to get up. i always do. i am resilient. so its okay to bury myself in confusion now. tomorrow will be different. the free spirit will diminish the anxiety. then a step onwards is all it takes. yes, i will be making A step. a step towards…. towards….where exactly? oh pleeeeease, help me. somebody please UNLEASH ME!!!

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