PLEASE

You wonder in with a purpose
And steal my heart
And I am left with nothing -
That’s hardly fair.

You wonder out again
With my secrets and affection
And I’m left alone -
That’s hardly fare.

And I guess that that’s love.

Where ever did I get the impression
That it is a two way street,
What bad soap opera
Or pop song taught me that?

Was it too much Olivia and Dallas
Playing games with my mind -
And I don’t mind if they do
For they don’t lie

Real lies.
I know they are pretending.
I know that I can’t trust them
And in that non-trust

I can trust -

I can lay my faith
For I know what I’m getting.

Not like with you -
You lie
Real lies.

Ones I believe
And ones that hurt
And ones that stab
At the very being
Of me.

You are cruel.
Olivia and Dallas
Love.

They are there for me every week and night
On the box and box.

They remain the one constant -
Both of them.
To foil your attitude and ignorance
Towards me.

Okay so I don’t know Olivia -
Despite the meeting -
And Dallas doesn’t come anymore
But they are still here -

In my heart
More then you are
And I love them for that
As opposed to my love for you
That has no reason.

No reason other than Stumpy and Jack and Maude
And Dad’s coffin on Mum and Dad’s nights out.

But then I am always told that I look like Dad
So why shouldn’t I be buried
Instead of him?

Am I not good enough to take his place?

Well obviously not,
For they always let me out
While all I wanted to do was die.

All I want to do is die.

All I wanted was to never ‘not’ be Dad
And they had to destroy the dream for me
Every time.

And just because I was different -
Just because I wasn’t Dad or Jack or Stumpy -
I was different.

Even though I didn’t know how to be the one I wanted so much to be,
Even though my pride stopped me from asking how
And meant that I had to implode into me
Until I became something quite different -

Was it all my fault?

The shame and the guilt
That has caused me two attempts
To re-enter the box of my youth
That means nothing to my roots.

The essence of the emblem is token
And lost for my lack of verbalisation
On topics close to home with kinfolk.

That I can’t do.

I can talk to strangers in night clubs and bed
About the make-up of my Medusa like existence
But I can’t tell the tellers the tale of torture
About the treks across my torso and…..

As I write I shake
As I do every time I am confronted by me
And what is real to me.

You see after year after year after year
Of hiding underneath ‘Adam’ it gets hard
For me to expose Garry John
And that is what I need to do. To you.

I need to talk to my family about me
And what it is that I am
And who it is that I am
And why I am Adam

And why oh why I’m me.

It’s just that I don’t feel like I can talk to you -
Small talk and pride keep getting in the way -
And I am missing out on so much
Of what you are all sharing: I cry tears of blood.

These tears drip down, down over my torso
And my slashed skin after another vein attempt
At acceptance
And I can’t tell the tears from the blood any more.

Such is my love.
Such is my shame.
Such is my admiration.
Such is my humiliation.

Such is me.

And if you only knew
Of the lonely little boy
Inside that craved your acceptance
And your temperance you would cry

My tears.
Only they would not be tears of blood
They would be tears of love
To bind and to hold and to forge.

They would be the tears of family
That I’ve wanted to cry for so long
but seem unable to do
For these tears don’t seem welcome.

And that is all I want out of life.

Acceptance.
To be welcome.

For once that is within,
Love, and life, and largesse
Will follow.

And I will be touched by the sun
And know true the love of kin
that grant takes as it’s own
And disallows me to begin.

The greatest journey of all -

Knowing you – knowing me,

And allowing me to know me.

For I truly believe that you don’t know me
And I don’t know you.

(And maybe I don’t know me.
Do you know you?)

And that makes me sad.

For I love you.

You are important to me
For reasons more than you will ever know.
So don’t ask for I am not sure I could
Give the reasons.

Just trust me -
It’s true

Just like this plea to you
To allow us the knowledge of being a family -
For without that we are nothing.

And the tears of family are tears of joy.
And if nothing else, we have those
tears
We have that love
And that’s proved.

Now I ask for acceptance -
And I don’t mean my sexuality -
That is irrelevant.

I want true acceptance -
I want to be a Devlin -
An offspring of greatness
Like my siblings and ancestors

And that just isn’t here for me
And that just about kills me.
For everything else
I could do without.

As I have tried everything else
And it doesn’t fill the hole
That is left by me not feeling a part of you
Today.

And I’ve tried everything!

Expect my family.

You are my last resort
Without you I am nothing.

Please don’t jettison me

Allow me to be me
And to be part of you
For I need you as part of me.

That’s the theme of unconditional love.

Help me find it?

 2009 Adam Devlin

PLEASE

Addevlin

Brunswick East, Australia

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