Journal

Animals

I keep your bones
in a jar
beside my bed
because
although i know
you are with me
and all around me
like light
and air
fluttering, mothlike
in and out
of my days
touching me
with ephemeral fingers
like sunlight
on my face
Still, we are animals
and i miss your warm
soft skin
Your forest fire eyes
Your mercurial laughter
and your hard embrace
And i am
an animal
with an animal’s pain
and a mother’s ache
You have become
distant as the moon
And i howl
to the very heavens
for the empty space
you left beside me
Oh child,
shine your light
on me
when i run
wild
through my life
Teeth bared
in the hunt
Because i am still
caught
by the beat of
this heart
swimming in the blood
that binds me here
And you are ethereal
you are everywhere
and nowhere
you are inside
this heart
and running
through my veins
Your voice
indistinguishable
from mine
as i cry
your name
t…

Moth

Sometimes i think of you
as a moth fluttering
in the summer night
Like the time
your voice came to me,
as white wings
appeared floating
like a tiny ghost
before my face
But then i think
how your soul
was far too vast
for such a small vessel
But still,
whenever i see
tiny wings
dancing in the dark
I wonder
if you’re stopping by
you always did love the night
and you always wanted to fly

~ For Jamie

Cat's Cradle

You and i
are connected
by gossamer threads
spinning the language
of this love
ensnaring my heart
like spiderwebs
our souls
playing this game
of cat’s cradle
weaving patterns
between us
in the air
while you pretend not to notice
and i pretend not to care
but i know
you can feel me there
feel those strings tugging
at your soul
as i pass your house
those mornings
as i move through the world
alone

you say we
are too entangled
but i can see
the tapestry
order strung together
out of this
complex
and beautiful
chaos
our fingers
weaving words
plucking the strings
to the music
of you and me

Home, Free.

Your song, Jamie – gone six months today.
This is for you, and for Chloe and Quinn. I love you, Kiddo.
Now you’re home, now you’re free.

Happy After-Birth Day To Me

It was my birthday last week.
It was one of those Big Ones, and i fully expected to have a freak-out. You know, "Omigod i’m like getting OLD and i haven’t traversed the globe/eaten cat in Korea/gotten married/gotten a tattoo of HP Lovecraftian horror on my buttox, etc……

But actually, it was pretty OK.

I have several friends with birthdays all in the same week, so Piglet’s parents cooked us all dinner and made cupcakes one night, another night we all went out and got drinks at the local pub (i didn’t get hammered, those days are over), another night i had sushi with a girlfriend…
It was like a week-and-a-half long celebration.

Until Thursday, when i caught the Piglet Flu.
Then it was an effluvia-filled, dehydration horror in which i couldn’t swallow liquids.
In a way, it was sort of cleans

Sex, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory and You

I’ve always known i was the kind of girl who attracts Lunacy. Stick me in a room full of people, and it’s pretty much a given that the most psychologically disturbed person there will come find me and want to introduce me to their mother – who may or may not be among the living.
I’m a Freak Magnet. Wasn’t given much of a choice, really.
You grow up in an apartment in Chicago with an alcoholic Bi-Polar single mother who only doesn’t come after you with a coat-hanger when she hasn’t been swilling Scotch for hours (her nickname among the members of our black-humoured family was ‘Mommy Dearest’), and talks to the collection of cockroaches she traps in a jar (using bananas to lure them in – who knows how she came to the conclusion that this is the preferred bait…), you’re going to either A…

Nothing Makes A Girl's Day Like Fitting Into Her Skinny Male Flatmate's Jeans

“Will you quit with the ‘fat’ nonsense, already, Zo Zo? Here – put these on…”…

Sonji whips his stylin’ jeans, made for a 14 year-old girl, by the looks of them, at me from across the room.

“See if they fit – not – just kidding!”
He giggles wildly, skipping away, pixie-like, to avoid the smack flying towards his head.

“Tsk – gimme those…”
I skip across to my room, slamming the door and pulling on the jeans with much trepidation…one leg, two…up to the thighs, so far so good – if they make it past those, then they have a 50/50 chance of making it over my decidedly un-boylike arse…

“Holy shit!” i scream, yanking open the door and twirling across the kitchen floor.

“Omigod, seeeee? They totally fit you”, he gushes, looking me up and down, “shit, they look better on you than they do on me! Yo

The Seven-Year Kiss

You’re impossible.

No, i’m not – i’m just really dim. Every girlfriend i’ve ever had has told me so. That kind of consensus leads me to believe it must be true. I just…am really bad at signals. Sending and recieving. Er.

Well, how’s this for a signal – come here and kiss me, stupid.

Even i can read that kind of signal. And by the way, i do seem to recall i sent you a pretty damn clear signal about 10 years ago or so when i pinned you in the backyard and kissed you so hard neither of us could breathe properly for about half an hour. I’m not always passive.

Yes, i do seem to recall that being lots of fun. You should do more of that kind of thing.

I’ll keep that in mind.

(Alaska snaps off the light and comes to the bed, upon which i’ve been sitting crosslegged and extremely patiently

Flightless Bird, American Mouth

Music: Flightless Bird, American Mouth

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your straight blind eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere…

- Iron and Wine

Why do i always try to fly away from you?
You tell me i don’t need to run off so fast as i tumble out of your bed and pull my shoes on this morning, and i realize i’m doing it again.
The music you played for me last night is running through me still, and the sodium-light glow coming in through the window falling across your long, blond hair as i try not to look at your mouth while we sit, limbs tangled and shoulders pressed together on the couch – you looking at me in that way that makes me feel like an awkward 13-year

Alaska

Music: “Slide”: , Ani Difranco…

“And after that she just followed her nose
and fate is not just whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows…”

In point of fact, it hasn’t been ten years since i’ve seen Mr. Alaska.
We figured out that i left for Hawai’i in 2003, not quite a year after he went to Alaska (then China, then Korea…).
Just like us to take off for opposite ends of the weather spectrum, only to meet back up here…sitting in the same pub – Thursday Night at Cunneen’s with our friends, (aka the Them), just like we’d been doing for years before we went on our respective adventures.
Funny how you can come back to a place – to a person, even – years later, and pick up right where you left off…
Some things change much less than you realize…and i’m not sure how the Hell i feel a

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