Naylor

Joined February 2008

I have out walked the furthest city lights~ Robert Frost / I am a woman , Mother, sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin and...

Journal

Soul Searching

I am not sure I can go through losing another person who was important in my life, whom I love.
My heart aches for his Mother who is right now, as I type, sitting next to her sons hospice bed trying to hold it together and all inside till she is alone or out of earshot of her son and grandchildren. I am a whirlwind of emotions … I am feeling all the emotions of his family , mixed with all I feel about losing him but I find I am feeling every single emotion I felt as a Mom when I was told my son had passed (PTSD). I find so much sadness flowing through my veins but also the awful sense of fear. I am scared to close my eyes tonight and wake to a text or a call. I hate that I can’t seem to do anything to help with the pain, the sorrow his family is feeling even though it has become part…

Get over myself

“There are thousands out there that have it worse than you.”
I have heard that statement from my Mother so many times in my life that it has become my motto. No matter what has happened , that is what I hear and repeat to myself as I go through life and all that comes with it. That statement was a great motivator in some situations and still seems to be something that keeps me from sitting to long feeling bad for myself. But … I have also found it to be a great motivator and influence in my big bag of guilt.
You see , If you have read my journal , there could be some who take my words as one from a woman in great “need” of attention or as from a woman whom is extremely lost and spin that into a negative vibe. They would be right in both ways but wrong as well.
I am , as we all are , …

Like leaves in Fall Breezes

Swirling … swirling … swirling
My thoughts are spinning most of the time , have been that way for as long as I can remember. I look back at how things in life have happened, when they have happened ….. even I can’t believe that those “things” have happened ! For me to talk about them( with that in my mind ) makes it harder to start… but I want to, yet I am not sure where to start . I used to have the beautiful gift of poetry to express all that is inside me but that came to a abrupt halt …
The death of Austin then within two weeks my Mother in law (who was very much like my mother) is diagnosed with stage 4 Colon cancer which she tried to hide …but she got very sick very fast and she wanted to be at home so I went to be there with her in her home. Her…

TIME ... in my oppinion

Five years …. I just can’t believe its been that long already.
All I can think is that I haven’t done enough to keep his memory alive.
If I was to say that to someone , their response would be one like " Of course you have ! Austin knows how much you love him."
Does he???? How do you know? Have you spoken to him and asked him that? Interesting, the things we say when trying to comfort another.
I know that people try to say things to help comfort or express sympathy, empathy and understanding … for that I have been so very thankful … although I find it even more interesting that as TIME started to go by all those people faded away and turned into people I never knew and for some I wouldn’t ever want to.
GRIEF….…

Missing you all !

I hope all my bubbler’s are doing great :) I am trying to get back into my writing and have done some photos as of recently so hope to maybe be posting again soon. Hope to hear from you my friends when you can … Love to you all (((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))

A piece of ME....

Found myself here feeding on the visual “soulfood” that is displayed here as if my own personal buffet of Art … any flavor I want, cut to perfect bites , like my sweet friend Lawrie’s lasted posting {I VISITED THE CEMETERY..} I was hesitent to read it as I saw, honestly , the word CEMETERY only at first … last week on the 11th it has been 18 months since I last held my beautiful son in my arms… BUT even though my heart, HELL my soul , has been ripped out torn up and shoved back inside this body of mine… I find that somehow I am so filled with LOVE and COMPASSION still and I saw Lawries title and instantly thought that maybe he was hurting and needed to be reminded of how absolutely BEAUTIFUL his essence is to me, so I read………………..
His words made me think of my visits to the Cemetery to s…

Yesterday, A year.....

Yesterday …. a year since my sons passing. People say alot about Father Time when trying to comfort or avoid conversation about Austin but for me, FOR ME , time has just gone by …. not gotten easier nor has the pain , the ache eased…
I miss him more than anything , some moments I am actually unable to move or think I can only fold up within myself and cry. BUT I am trying. I am sorry that I have not been much of an active member here on RB I just am not able to write but I come here every morning in search of your words and art that so help comfort me so much. I love you all ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

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