Wanna Play?

I remember, I reminisce
Upon sitting on a dusty old couch in the back room
Of some college frat party

Three losers half-alive, all dead
Sitting around me,
Victims of the free pills no doubt
And I, I had no business there

I was 15, head spinning about as I barely manage
Here, alone in a crowded dark room
Those sexual sounds erupting from outside
Banging through my head, ears would bleed in no time
Two bottles later, as alive as roadkill

Then you came
Never forget your face
Sly, grin – older, so much older, so much smarter
Sat next to me, put your arm around me
With a smile, asked my name and slipped me…
“You look bored, this’ll get your party started.
Pop it and you’ll see all kinds of shit.
Pop it and you’ll feel all kinds of shit.
You won’t know who you are.
You wanna play?”
And I smiled because I knew he loved me.
I knew he didn’t know me. So I knew he loved me.

First, you’ll feel a little warm

Stomach twirling, head pounding, sweat driving down my body
I stand up, is this it? Is this me? Who am I now?
Regretting it all at once, is that sufficient repentance?
“It’s almost over.”

Then, gravity will hit you.

And I wanted to fall as they all disappeared
Each foot took an army to move
I don’t feel so good
“Don’t worry about it, just do you.”

Then, you’ll feel elevated, inflated, you’ll tingle all over
Your eyes will roll back, you’ll feel sensual
You’ll be alive and dead all at once

I was moving in, right in with the party
My body was mixing in and the music was the mixing bowl
“That’s it. You like?”
I nodded. I feel wired. I feel good.
“Good girl.”
Life faded away, became molecules
The people I knew, the places I’d been
They were melting as that chemical permeated my brain
“You look beautiful.”
Am I a woman? Am I………
And you pulled my body towards yours
The music played on and on and the room broke apart like an aborted fetus
Blood and all swept across my feet when I felt your penis against my backside

And for a moment I thought to myself
This is all crazy, fight it, fight it, fight it as hard as you can
That was when it came to me, that I was free
The room dissolved and vision was reduced to the inside of my eyelids
Or at least I imagined it

I woke up
Just there
How did I get here?
In my front yard. On the ground.
How? Looked at the time, only 7:28am
Shit, wipe away the drool and think. Think. Think.
Fuck it. No, think. No, fuck it. I’m home.

Went inside, if only someone was there to care where I was all night
Took my pants off, if only to test
My mental fortitude under the influence
I still don’t know if I was able to resist the sexual advances
Of some sketchy, faceless, nameless drug dealer
Or whatever he was

Then it dropped, right from my pocket, it dropped
Clear, crushed, crunched, damaged plastic bag
Hair tie tied around a corner
I brought it to my face
One, two, three… eight. Eight.

“You’ll feel elevated, inflated, you’ll tingle all over
Your eyes will roll back, you’ll feel sensual
You’ll be alive and dead all at once
You wanna play?”

Wanna Play?

Jascie Epinn

Joined January 2009

  • Artist

Artist's Description

This is me recalling my very first experience with ecstasy.

I was 15, in the wrong place at the wrong time and some stranger offered me drugs. Under the influence, I took it.

That was the wildest night I’ve ever had. He opened my eyes to a new world. Eh, sounds cheesy but it was true at the time. He didn’t just give me MDMA caps (Which is the main ingredient in ecstasy in its purest form, just in a clear capsule) he also gave me cocaine, Topamax and Klonopins. Since then I’ve been fascinated by amphetamines. Somehow I’ve managed to not use them other than in two-week long spurs of bipolar disorder, which happen rarely and are often out of my control. I mean, I can control them, but at the time you see, ecstasy just looks like a good idea. I don’t usually know it’s me being bipolar and when I try to tell myself I am – my brain rationalizes a reason why it’s not.

Regardless of that, I cannot hate this stranger. I still don’t like him. If I ever saw him I’d probably hit him with a blunt object and blame my life’s problems on him. And yet, I felt like it was a necessary product of my existence. People go through phases and I went through that, but now it’s over.

If you’re just a stone box like my fiance, you can drink and do molly (Short for molecule, pure ecstasy) and all that and still go to school full-time, work full-time, and maintain a healthy relationship with your friends and family. Me? I can’t do it. It’s either all ecstasy or no ecstasy.

And I’d rather it be no ecstasy.

And no cocaine for that matter. I’ve forbidden the use of cocaine in my household. It’s too expensive and it just causes damage. Plus, I don’t like the brand of people you have to get involved with in order to get it. My fiance came to terms with that and quit using it upon my mandate. I tried taking away the molly but it didn’t go over well. I decided to let him have it. He uses it so rarely that I usually don’t know and it doesn’t affect me. My problem is the physiological affect. I’m a psych major and I don’t even want to think about the amount of brain damage my fiance probably has.

Still, I’d like to meet this stranger again. I’d like to talk to him. I want to see what kind of person he is today. I don’t know. Maybe it seems to be a glimpse into what my future would have been had I never stopped using those drugs. Maybe I just want to know who he is – who he really is as a person. He told me his name but that is the single thing that escapes me the most.

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