Ah, Halloween- a mysterious night of gruesome delights, scary stories, tasty treats, and of course vandalism and property damage. We encourage you to skip the TP-ing and egging this year (because you’re more clever than that) and instead opt for more environmentally-friendly Halloween mischief. Read on for Halloween jokes that will have any audience howling and just might save you a buck or two on some Charmin Ultra.
Halloween Jokes for Kids These Days
The little ghouls and goblins will eat a least pound of candy. Adding a few jokes to the sugar-induced hysteria couldn’t hurt, right?
Q: What did the Mommy mummy say to her son?
A: Go clean your tomb.
Q: What do vampires do with their friends?
A: Fang out.
Q: What did the baby bird say when he knocked on the door for Halloween?
A: Trick or Tweet
Q: What’s the best way to punish a teenage monster?
A: Limit their scream time.
Q: Where do witches go to look up random facts?
A: Wicca-pedia
Q: Why was the mummy scared to take a vacation?
A: He didn’t want to unwind.
Q: What did the momma ghost say to her ghost kid?
A: You’re my grave-orite.
Halloween Jokes only Millenials Will Understand
We hear you 20 and 30-somethings. You’ve been cheated out of a lot of things- affordable education, that whole early retirement thing- the nightmarish list goes on and on. But at least this year we have enough funny Halloween jokes for your tweets, group texts and dating profiles combined. Did you know you can pay your credit card bills with jokes now too? The world is a wondrous place.
Q: Where does Dracula go to have a dreadful, gloomy, harrowing time?
A: Vampfyre festival
Q: Where do witches go to look up random
facts?
A: Wicca-pedia
Q: What’s a witch’s beauty go-to?
A: Ma-scare-a
Q: What do the kids these days want more
than candy?
A: Hallowmemes
Q: What did the warlock write in his Tinder bio?
A: “I’m a real nec-romancer”
Q: What wellness trend is big for demons this
year?
A: Radical Self Scare
Q: How does the devil get people to sell their
souls??
A: #sinfluencer marketing
Q: What do you call an occult diva?
A: Seyoncé
Q: Why did the headless horseman partake in
his startup’s 401k plan?
A: He wanted to get a head in life
Q: Why did the corpse have to take on a low
paying job at his local fast food chain?
A: He had to pay off his student bones.
Q: What diet are all the ghosts on right now?
A: Pale-o
Q: Why did the witch get pulled over?
A: Hexing while driving
Q: What do you call a pumpkin who even lifts bro?
A: Jacked O Lantern
Q: What is a must at zombie brunch?
A: Limb-osas
Q: What ruined the skeleton’s livestream?
A: He had a coffin fit
Q: What is a night at the end of October called when you realize it’s too late to buy a costume,
none of your friends are doing anything, you have to work tomorrow and you end up
sitting at home and eat candy by yourself?
A: Walloween
Corny Halloween Jokes by Dads, for Dads
Dad bods are all the rage right now. So why can’t dad jokes be too? These Halloween jokes for adults come straight from the mouths of the Dougs, Daves, and Steves who live vicariously through their children every Halloween. Although they’ve traded their costumes for khakis, tacky Halloween tees and Prilosec, they haven’t lost their impeccable sense of humor.
Q: Why couldn’t the corn on the cob fit into his
costume?
A: He was too husky
Q: Why was the witch suspicious of the ghost?
A: She could see right through him
Q: What kind of snack did the tarantula get at
the state fair?
A: corn on the cob-web
Q: What kind of monster loves corn?
A: cobgoblin
Q: If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby
oil come from?
A: Minerals. What did you think I was going to
say?
Q: Why couldn’t the corn answer the door?
A: It was in the can.
Q: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A: bucaneer.
Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?
A: Blood vessels
Q: How do you eat candy corn?
A: Step one: Throw it in the trash
Highbrow Halloween Jokes for the Most Sophisticated and Cultured Hexperts in Their Fields
Not all ghosts have a stock portfolio or a wine cellar but the ones who do also happen to have an arsenal of top-notch, cosmopolitan comedy.
Q: What CBS docuseries was Elvira featured on?
A: Lifestyles of the Witch and Heinous
masterpiece?
Q: What is a Scottish zombie’s favorite theatrical
A: MacDeath- chronicling the fall of a tyrannical
general, wracked with guilt and plagued by
paranormal activity.
Q: What wine did the ghost order with dinner?
A: A boojolais
Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York
Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: What is a monster’s favorite fromage
selection?
A: Demigorgonzola
Q: What’s a ghost’s favorite Michelin Star
restaurant?
A: Ghosts aren’t real.
Q: What is a Satan’s favorite podcast?
A: The American Death
Q: What magazine did the skeleton get with his frequent flyer miles.
A: Bone Appetit
Q: What is a phantom’s favorite classic novel?
A: Boolysses, featuring Stephen Deadalus
Q: What kind of perfume do high class zombies use?
A: Chanel NotAlive
Grim and Depressing Jokes for Cynical Adults
Halloween isn’t all bobbing for apples, costumes and candy. As legend has it, it’s also the night that earth’s departed souls have one last chance to escape purgatory and seek vengeance on the living. Read on for dark Halloween jokes for adults who enjoy a healthy dose of realism every October. Or every day.
Q: Why did Sally fall off the swing?
A: She had no arms
Q: What did the depressed ghost say to his therapist?
A: I used to be some body
Scientific fact: if you took all the veins in your
body and laid them end to end, you would
die.
Cremation: my final hope for a smokin’ hot
body!
Q: What is a skeleton’s mother-in-law’s favorite
yoga pose?
A: Judgemental Corpse
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t
keep up on his payments to the exorcist?
A: He was repossessed
Q: What landed the deviant ghosts in jail?
A: Disturbing the peace and possession
Q: What happened when the cannibal backed into his meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work
Q: Me: Do you take walk-ins?
A: The Morgue: What?
And there you have it, enough Halloween jokes to keep you laughing through a zombie apocalypse. The awful fun doesn’t have to end here – check out our list of skeleton puns and add a funky Halloween phone background to your lock screen. If you’re throwing a Halloween bash to celebrate this year, don’t forget to prep a spooky season photo booth, stock up on frightfully good party favors, and greet your guests with on-point Halloween greetings.