Ah, the time of year that starts with decking the halls with boughs of holly and quickly devolves to wanting to deck your family members with fists of fury. Whether it’s Aunt Carol asking why you’re still single, mom and dad harassing you about getting off the family phone plan, or Grandpa Joe badgering you for a tutorial on Facebook, ‘tis the season for needing a little fa-la-la-la-lol in the form of funny Christmas card sayings.
There’s nothing like a pun-filled comment, cringe-worthy dad joke, or slightly off-color remark to break the yuletide tension. And if your funny Christmas card messages don’t exactly hit their mark, well that’s the perfect excuse to have yourself a Merry Little Christmas with some spiked eggnog in the corner.
So get out your Christmas card-making supplies (hello, glitter!) and go to town. Or make it easy on yourself and pay someone else to do the work (especially if the height of your artistic ability is still stick people).
And remember the reason for the season: to be grateful for what you have, to treasure your loved ones, and to be reminded of how nice it is that this mandatory family visit comes but once a year.
Sledgehog Illustration by Sophie Corrigan
Funny Christmas Card Sayings
This year, say bah humbug to boring old Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas messages. Even the Grinch would be impressed with these funny Christmas card sayings.
1. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
2. Have a cool yule and swell noel.
3. I hope you love the present you told me to buy for you.
4. Let’s be naughty and save Santa a trip.
5. A Christmas Conspiracy: Olive, the other reindeer…
6. But first, let me take an elfie.
7. This season, surround yourself with hos. (Maybe don’t give that one to grandma.)
8. When I think about you, I touch my elf. (Ok, definitely don’t give that one to grandma.)
9. On Santa’s grocery shopping day — He’s making a list, chicken and rice.
10. It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
11. Merry Christmas, and hippy new year (For the more ancient folks in your family)
12. Christmas comes but once a year, but when it comes, it better bring good beer.
Ugly Christmas Sweater – Cat Illustration by VomHaus
Funny Christmas Card Messages
It’s not just your poor, unsuspecting family that deserves your funny Christmas card messages, your friends, colleagues, and maybe even your dentist need a little holiday mirth and merriment.
- All I want for Christmas is see the link to my wish list.
- The tree isn’t the only thing getting lit this year.
- What did the three wise salesmen offer at the manger? Gold and frankincense. But wait! There’s myrrh.
- What do you call a gingerbread ninja?
- What do you call Santa when he uses Apple Maps? A lost Claus.
- You bettah check yo elf before you wreck yo elf. (Sorry, I had to.)
- The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loudly offkey so everyone gets away from you.
- What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
- Fa la la la la, la la llama.
- Time to get into the Christmas spirit – vodka, gin, rum, etc.
- (Here’s another take on the spirit concept.)
- What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.
- Santa saw your Instagram. You’re getting a muumuu and a Bible for Christmas.
Snow globe Illustration by Kakel
Funny Christmas Card Wishes
Inspired by the most classic of carols and good tidings (and a few other holly jollies mixed in), these funny Christmas wishes for cards give new meaning to holiday greetings.
- Christmas is Claus for celebration!
- May your holidays be as lovely as they look on Instagram.
- Santa ho ho hopes you’ve been good this year.
- May your gifts be many, and your returns and exchanges be few.
- I put so much thought into your gift, that I never got around to actually buying it. Merry Christmas, anyway!
- On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me … What is this, and did you keep the receipt?
- May the Christmas season fill your home with joy, your heart with love, and your life with absolutely everything you put on your wish list.
- Hope you have a remember-forever-and-ever-and-ever-and-ever kind of holiday.
- Yoda caroling: A Merry Christmas, we wish you. A Merry Christmas, we wish you.
- Dashing, dancing, and prancing until I get blitzened.
- Wishing you the gifts of the season — Peace, Joy, and Cabernet Sauvignon.
Christmas cephalopod Illustration by Richard Morden
More Funny Christmas Cards
It’s no secret productivity at work plummets as the holidays get closer, so you probably do have time to hunt through the 104,000+ hilarious cards we have for sale. To kick it off, here are a few of our faves.
What is Christmas really? Some say it’s a consumerist farce run by the marketing departments of the world’s billion-dollar corporations (um, calm down), and some say it’s the celebration of Jesus’s entrance into the world. Regardless, we say, go on, party like it’s someone’s birthday. Dole out those funny Christmas card sayings like it’s the only gift you’re giving.
Maybe it’s the Christmas spirit talking (the real one, not the booze-filled one), but spending a little time with the family to make merry and spread cheer really isn’t so bad. And hey, maybe you’ll come out of it with some pretty great gifts, too.