Warning: Subject To Spontaneous Outbursts Of Dad Jokes designed and sold by Rob Price.

Whether you’re a dad or not, most everyone loves a good dad joke. You’ll find them on dating profiles for single guys and tossed out at inopportune times by a partner or father, making everyone roll their eyes. 

What are dad jokes? It’s usually a corny joke full of puns, innuendos, and those obvious jokes where they elbow you in the ribs saying, “Get it?” Check out this list of the best dad jokes so you can whip ’em out at the best (or worst) times. 

Best Dad Jokes

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. We’ll start off with some of the best-worst dad jokes around. 

1. Why did the eggs all break? Because they cracked each other up. 
2. “Dad, will you put my shirt on?” No, it won’t fit me.  
3. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Yes, because houses don’t jump. 
4. How did the telephone propose? With a ring. 
5. What kind of people man a haunted ship? A skeleton crew.  
6. What’s a golfer’s favorite drink? A cup of tee. 
7. I bet Benjamin Franklin was SHOCKED when he discovered electricity. 
8. Why was it so windy in the stadium? There were a bunch of fans.  
9. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. 
10. What did the sink say to the toilet? You look flushed. 

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11. What building has the most stories? A library. 
12. Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.  
13. Where do dogs hate shopping? A flea market. 
14. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. 
15. What’s green with six legs and will crush you if it falls on you? A pool table.  
16. Why can’t your hand be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot. 
17. What kind of room doesn’t have doors? A mushroom. 
18. Why did the astronaut leave the party? He needed a little space.  
19. Who has been spreading rumors? Butter. 
20. Why can you never trust an atom? They make up everything.

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21. Why do people take extra socks when golfing? They might get a hole in one.
22. What do you say to boiled water? You’ll be mist.  
23. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I sure do. 
24. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was the best in his field. 
25. What instrument can you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste. 
26. Why did the melons have a wedding? Because they cantaloupe. 
27. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing because they fast. 
28. Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.  
29. Why did the photograph go to prison? It was framed. 
30. What’s the best thing about moving to Switzerland? The flag is a big plus!

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Funny Dad Jokes 

We can’t get enough of these funny dad jokes. Write them on notes and tuck them in your pocket for those special moments that call for an ice breaker. But, for real. Keep these funny dad jokes handy. 

31. What’s Thano’s favorite social media app? Snapchat.
32. How does a priest make holy water? He boils the hell out of it.  
33. Why did the coffee call the cops? He got mugged. 
34. How does a tree check its online account? It logs in. 
35. What do you call a twitching cow? Beef jerky.  
36. Why do doctors stay calm during an emergency? They’ve got a lot of patients.
37. How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line. 
38. How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. 
39. What award did the knock-knock joke inventor win? The No Bell Prize. 
40. Why do ducks have so many tail feathers? To cover up their butt quacks. 

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41. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can’t tuna fish. 
42. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He never lands.  
43. Why does a geologist hate his job? He’s taken for granite. 
44. What do you do if you’re afraid of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. 
45. What weighs a lot forward but not backward? A ton.  
46. What did Microsoft Office say to earn your trust? You have my Word. 
47. Why won’t a cannibal eat a clown? It tastes funny. 
48. How do you get over claustrophobia? By thinking outside of the box.  
49. Why did the koala get the job? He was koalafied. 
50. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them. 

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51. What happens to a cow during an earthquake? It becomes a milkshake. 
52. Why can’t you tell a good joke about retired people? Because none of them work.  
53. Why do flamingos only lift one leg? If they lifted both, they’d fall down. 
54. Why should you give up writing with a broken pencil? It’s pointless. 
55. What’s your favorite time of day? Six-thirty, hands down.  
56. How do you get over a fear of elevators? You take the necessary steps to avoid them. 
57. Can you drop an egg on concrete without cracking it? Of course! Concrete is pretty difficult to break. 
58. What’s red and looks like half an apple? Half an apple.  
59. How did the zombie bodybuilder hurt himself? He was dead-lifting. 
60. What do you call a bear with no ears? B. 

Bad Dad Jokes 

Bad dad jokes aren’t really so bad once you embrace the cheese (and a good cheese-related pun). Here’s a handful more of the best-worst dad jokes. 

61. What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office. 
62. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.  
63. What’s blue and smells like paint? Blue paint. 
64. What is brown and a little bit sticky? A stick. 
65. What has stripes and can kill you? A prisoner in jail for murder. 
66. What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear. 
67. Can one bird make a joke? No, but toucan. 
68. Why did you get fired from the calendar factory? I took too many days off.  
69. What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent with Nickelback opening. 
70. Do you want to hear a joke about construction? It’s still a work in progress. 

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71. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar. 
72. Why do you want an octopus on your side of the battle? It’s well-armed.  
73. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy, and the other is lighter. 
74. Why are computers so intelligent? Because they listen to their motherboards. 
75. What is a snowman tantrum called? A meltdown.  
76. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. 
77. What does a baby computer call his father? Data. 
78. Why did a Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.  
79. Why can’t the computer buy new things? Because it spent all of its cache. 
80. Why is organic chemistry the meanest science? It’s constantly pushing electrons around. 

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81. Why is 2019 upset with 2021? Because they got into an argument and 2021. 
82. What kind of jokes do you tell during quarantine? Inside jokes.  
83. Why did the Invisible Man decline the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. 
84. What’s another name for a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. 
85. Why should you always knock before opening the fridge? You never know when a salad will be dressing.  
86. Why did you turn off the orchestra performance? There was too much sax and violins. 
87. Do you want to hear a potassium joke? K. 
88. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.  
89. Where do you keep all these dad jokes? In my dad-a-base. 
90. Do you want to hear a joke about trickle-down economics? The majority of you won’t get it. 

Corny Dad Jokes

Corny dad jokes are all about the delivery. You need a little bit of patience and be ready to hit them with the punchline — but not too hard. They won’t like that. 

91. That fish wearing a bowtie is so sofishticated.
92. Did you see my new chocolate lawn mower? It’s pretty sweet. 
93. I don’t trust those trees. They look awfully shady. 
94. Why are you so afraid, calendar? My days are numbered. 
95. What kind of music do balloons hate? Pop music.  
96. What can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because the “p” is silent. 
97. How does Darth Vader like his chicken? On the dark side. 
98. What did the ocean say to the surfer? Nothing. It only waved.  
99. What do you lawyers like to drink? Subpoena Coladas. 
100. How do you track down Will Smith? Follow the Fresh Prince. 

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101. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens didn’t exist yet. 
102. Why was the burglar overly sensitive? He took things personally.  
103. Why does a graveyard have a gate? Because people are dying to get inside. 
104. Why is a haunted house party so cheap? The ghosts bring all the boos. 
105. Which cereal pays the bills? Chex.  
106. Why did the cost of free air at gas stations go up? Inflation. 
107. When can you tell a joke has become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. 
108. Is hot or cold faster? Probably hot because you can catch a cold.  
109. Did the photon need to check a bag? Nope, he was traveling light. 
110.  Mom, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun. 

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Dad Jokes For Kids 

What do you get when you cross a moody sheep with an angry cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood. Some dad jokes go right over your kid’s head, but these dad jokes for kids will make them chuckle.

111. Why did the God of Thunder stretch a lot when he was little? He was a little Thor. 
112.  Why does that vampire sound sick? Because he keeps coffin.  
113.  Why did the burglar rob the bakery? He needed some dough. 
114. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. 
115. How do you help a frog when his car dies? You give him a jump.  
116. What does a ghost serve for dessert? I scream. 
117.  Where does the Easter Bunny eat breakfast? At IHOP. 
118.  Who is the queen of school supplies? The ruler.  
119.  Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? There are too many ears. 
120. What day does a chicken hate? Fry-day. 

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121. Why doesn’t an oyster share its pearls? Because it’s shellfish. 
122. Who runs Old MacDonald’s Farm? The CIEIO.  
123. What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Graaiiinns. 
124. What is the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel. 
125. What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long? A yardvark.  
126. What flies and has four wheels? A trash truck. 
127. Why are penguins socially awkward? They don’t know how to break the ice.
128. What kind of dinosaur has a large vocabulary? A thesaurus.  
129. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill areas. 
130. Where does a pirate get its hook? From a second-hand store.

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131.  Do you want to hear a joke about paper? It’s tearable. 
132. How do you make tissue paper dance? Put a little boogie in it.  
133. Why shouldn’t you eat a clock? It’s too time-consuming. 
134. What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and only finding half a worm. 
135. Why does everyone love volcanoes? Because they’re just so lava-ble.  
136. Why should you never make fun of a paleontologist? Because you’ll get Jurass-kicked. 
137. Where does a baby cat learn to swim? The kitty pool. 
138. How do spiders know so much? They learn everything on the web.  
139. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. 
140. What do you call someone who won’t fart in public? A private tutor. 

One Liner Dad Jokes

Sometimes you just want quick and snappy one-liner dad jokes tucked into your back pocket to whip out when the moment is right. Think of it as useless trivia for dads. 

141. It’s ok if you forget your boomerang. It’ll come back to you. 
142. Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.  
143. I wondered why the ball kept getting bigger, and then it hit me. 
144. My girlfriend seemed surprised when I told her she drew her eyebrows too high. 
145. I decided to sell my vacuum because it was gathering dust.  
146. I literally can knot. 
147. You’re toadally rad.
148. I used to work in a shoe shop. It was sole destroying.  
149. When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. 
150. Ducking motherquacker.

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151.  I used to think I was indecisive, and now I’m not sure. 
152. I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.  
153. I wanted to share a vegetable joke, but it was too corny. 
154. Someone said my dog was chasing them on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes! 
155. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, and it’s impossible to put down.  
156. I bought new shoes from a drug dealer, and I was trippin’ all day. 
157. Did you know whiteboards are remarkable?
158. Two conspiracy theorists walk into a shop? That can’t be a coincidence.  
159. Did you know you can hear your blood flowing in your veins? You just need to listen varicosely. 
160. I put my shoes on the wrong feet. I don’t know whose feet I ended up with. 

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161. What if there was no such thing as a hypothetical question? 
162. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves  
163. I can totally see myself working in a mirror factory. 
164. An old lady asked me to check her balance at the bank today, so I pushed her over. 
165. I’ve noticed I’m only sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.  
166. My date didn’t show up at the gym. I guess we aren’t going to work out. 
167. These new corduroy pillowcases are making headlines. 
168. I used to hate my facial hair, but it eventually grew on me.  
169. I tried to watch The Neverending Story, but I couldn’t finish it. 
170. Why do people always say age is a number? It’s obviously a word. 

If you can’t get enough of these hilarious dad jokes, you’ll enjoy these space puns, funny aprons and Halloween jokes too. Wrap them up in a gift, write your bad dad jokes and a sweet message on some stationery, and you’ve got a terribly awesome present on your hands.