While dating apps have made it easier to meet people than ever before, their convenience comes at a price; the stakes of meeting someone IRL are higher, which automatically makes it feel more thrilling and romantic. So this Valentine’s Day, we say it’s time to reconnect with our pre-dating app roots. How? With cheesy pickup lines. Duh.
While they’ve gotten a bad rap over the years, there’s zero denying that the best cheesy pickup lines get you noticed. And sure, your crush might roll their eyes, but that just means they’re secretly wishing they’d thought of your line first (shh, it’s true). Too shy? Just immortalize that cheesy pickup line in good old fashioned greeting cards. To help you out this Valentine’s Day, we’ve made a list swoon/cringe-worthy pickup lines for any situation and personality. Now go get ‘em.
Cheesy Hearts – Camembert Illustration by sophiedoodle
The phrase “bookworm” was inspired by the silverfish and linoleum beetles that inhabit the pages of old paperbacks and periodicals. But the cute bibliophiles we’re talking about are typically two-legged, non-bristle-tailed humans and can be found in the aisles of your local library or bookstore. These funny pickup lines are best respectfully whispered with inside voices.
1. Daaaayum girl,* are you a book? Cuz I’d like to get under your covers.
2. Are you related to Gabriel García Márquez? Cause I think you’re going to end my 100 years of solitude.
3. Are you a first print, limited first edition from 1802? Cuz I’ve been looking for you my whoooole life.
4. Are you an overdue book? Cuz you have F-I-N-E written all over you.
5. Girl* you’ve Metamorphosed my Heart of Darkness into Light in August.
6. My name must be Vladimir or Estragon cuz I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.
7. Are you available in large print? Cause I’d like to check you out but I have macular degeneration.
8. Are you into the dark arts? Cuz I’d like to Slytherin-to your pants.
9. (In Gollum voice) dayum girl*, are you Frodo? Cuz I’d die to wear your ring.
* = Insert desired pronoun of crush-worthy literary bae.
Typewriter Illustration by HopeCrescent
Foodies are known for their refined interest in food, food photography, uploading said food photography to Instagram, and regramming photos of their favorite food photography. Oh, and sometimes eating too. Read on for cheese-filled, non-GMO pickup lines that are locally sourced and guaranteed to make them hungry for more.
10. Damn boy,* are you a Double Crunchwrap Supreme Quesarito Combo with extra pico and cheese? Cuz you’re making my heart burn.
11. Are you coagulated and full of protein? Cuz you’re lookin’ gouuuuda today.
12. Girl*, you must be a fine wine, cuz I could get drunk on your legs.
13. If you were a steak, you’d be well done. 👌
14. Girl* are you a rainbow latte? Cuz I’d wait in line all day to get my hands on you.
15. Boy* you’re like a calamari appetizer, cuz I’m totally pre-octopi-ed with you.
16. Do you like ice cream? Wanna spoon?
17. Do you like oysters? Wanna shuck?
18. Are you a prepackaged lunchable pizza? Cause I’ll never get enough of you.
19. Are you scotch? Cuz your body is smokin’.
20. Wanna bone (appetit)?
21. Do you like wine? Wanna (cork)screw?
22. Are you a rice cooker? Cuz you’re makin me all steamy and the pressure’s building.
* = insert desired pronoun of lucious lasagna lover.
What’s cooking, good looking? Illustration by SiennaGonzales
For animal lovers
Animal lovers are possibly the best partners around because they’re comfortable dealing with all your gross quirks like your hairballs or rubberband eating habits (don’t judge us). They’re used to it all and will undoubtedly embrace every mess and imperfection.
23. Meow-y me?
24. If I were a cat, I’d wanna spend all 9 lives with you.
25. Iguana love you forever.
26. You’re cute, wanna spend some koala-ty time with me?
27. Don’t maltese me with those puppy dog eyes.
28. Hey booooy,* we otter get together and hold hands.
29. I’m (porcu)pining for you.
30. Let’s (ant)elope.
31. Girl,* are you a millipede? Cuz you got legs for days.
32. Where’ve you fin all my (wild)life?
33. You must be a fish tank cause I’d love to tap that glass.
*= insert desired pronoun of dog/cat/dolphin/pony/monkey/lion/unicorn/jackalope/centaur enthusiast.
Dam by Sophie Corrigan
For gym rats
Noun. /jim rat/ 1. gym rat- a buff bae who falls for all matter of cheese-filled, exercise-related pickup lines, even if it’s not cheat day.
34. Are you a lateral lunge? Cuz you’re making my loins burn.
35. Are you a gym rat? Cuz you’re super buff and covered in fur.
36, FitTV and chill?
37. Is your name basketball court? Cuz i’m dribblin’ all over you.
38. You must be leg day, cuz I’d never skip you.
39. Are you my pre-workout warmup? Cuz you make my heart beat super fast.
40. Wanna play tennis? I plan on scoring love.
41. Psst, wanna go for a ride? Hold on tight cause this stationary bike might hit a cadence of 100 RPM.
42. Hey girl* meet me at the pull-up bar. Can I interest you in a gym and tonic?
43. Wanna join my soccer team? Cuz i get a kick out of you.
*= insert desired pronoun of muscular elliptical person.
Fun Pun Quote volleyball design Illustration by JosephDamon
For hotties who are dead inside
The true roots of Valentine’s day can be traced back to an ancient Roman celebration called Lupercalia– a strange fertility ceremony involving sacrificial goats. And later, Roman Emperor Claudius II had two men named Valentine executed on February 14th. If this is more up your alley than flowers, hearts, and candy, using these depressingly corny pickup lines ensures that you’ll find someone to wallow in a self-depreciating puddle of existential despair with you. Forever.
43. Boy*, you must be mortality, cuz i’m obsessed with you.
44. I’m dying to be with you. Well. We’re all technically dying the second we’re born, but let’s pretend my feelings towards you are significant in a meaningful sense.
45. You’re the girl* of my dreams (IOW, completely unattainable).
46. Alienation and death are the only certainties of life. BTW, nice butt.
47. Wanna scream into the void together?
48. If everything is ultimately meaningless, you might as well go out with me.
49. Hey girl*, your eyes remind me of the night sky: a dark, pitiless, void.
50. Hey boy*, wanna watch each other’s bodies slowly decay as entropy inexorably consumes us?
*= insert desired pronoun for habitual dweller in the existential void.
Got an Epipen Illustration by merskmerch
If using these cheesy pickup lines hasn’t found you true love, it’s possible nothing will (except of course NOT using horribly corny pickup lines). But whether you’re trying out these funny pickup lines digitally or IRL, we admire your bravery.
Good luck this Valentine’s Day. We salute you.
(Header Image by Steven Rhodes)