I think this journal is indicitave of my lack lustre thirst for profit, I recently sold another 3 shirts, in total i have earnt 2 dol…
I think this journal is indicitave of my lack lustre thirst for profit, I recently sold another 3 shirts, in total i have earnt 2 dollars and 61 cents of profit, because i sell to my friends, i have no intention of making any real profit but people are liking my shirts but not buying.. woe is me.
I was wondering what’s going on in my head, I always …
I was wondering what’s going on in my head, I always wonder what’s going on in my head, I try to self analyze myself with little success I believe, I wonder who is to blame for the way I turned out. I wonder what specific moments turned me into such an unhappy person. / But I don’t know if I’d ever been happy, well at least not for long enough. I can’t remember being happy at all. Life has always felt like a struggle, never easy, never. / I’m just waiting for life to become stable for me an averagly straight line with slight degrees of ups and downs not just with huge downs with small up times . the ups never seem to compenstae the downs partly because i know that soon, pretty soon / the bad times will come back again with much more strength. I’ll be knocked down again and again and again. ____ Games The thoughts I have / are they inside my head / or am I so in tune with / people’s true emotions? Am I just being stupid / when I feel you are / all / just using me? Am I just imagining / that people are so / self obsessed? Am I the only one / who truly cares / about his friends? The games that people play, / I hate them with a vengeance. / They screw up with my head / and leave me with confusion. Summer 2001 / ____
can’t read / can’t write / can’t draw / can’t paint / can’t fuck / then what the fuck can you do? / fuck all / for now.
can’t read / can’t write / can’t draw / can’t paint / can’t fuck / then what the fuck can you do? / fuck all / for now.
The hospital needed my bed for an urgent overnighter so they sent me home for the night, somehow, a whole day and night have passed me by…
The hospital needed my bed for an urgent overnighter so they sent me home for the night, somehow, a whole day and night have passed me by with meals in between and I can’t remember having taken them??? Weird… I have two more ECT sessions to go before they give me an assessment and decide what to do from there, as I understood it, ECT meant a fast-track way of getting out of here and getting home, but I just don’t know what’s bullshit and what’s real any more, I think I’m becoming institutionalized, just another loon statistic on the record to prod, poke and explore pouring medication into, if I felt the whole experience was inspiring or stimulating enough, I’d turn it into a poem, but instead if feels like I’m a participant in some kind of market research study to survey and collect information on. I’m just another number and I’ve lost another day. Weird. I think I need to pick a fight with someone to feel the old adrenalin surging through my veins again, but with each ECT treatment, the subsequent adrenalin surge needs to be more extreme. This is therefore an open invitation for you to abuse the living shit out of me, which doesn’t happen too often so take advantage of it. Any takers? One day I’ll find a way to write about this whole loony bin experience so that it sounds entertaining… tick tick tick tick BOOM!
Today may not be such a great day for ECT, for one, I’ve had no sleep all night and secondly, I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to be drink…
Today may not be such a great day for ECT, for one, I’ve had no sleep all night and secondly, I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to be drinking or eating and I’ve been guzzling away on water none stop. Some Redbubbler also drew my attention to a COMMENT I made five months ago! I can’t believe I was both that stupid and that spontaneous, but alas, my avatar is right there next to the comment so I can only assume I’m as guilty as charged… No wonder they fucking Sectioned me and booked me in for ECT… If it wasn’t so embarrassing and self degrading it’d be funny. Ah screw it. It is funny In a historical kind of way.
It feels weird being happy for no reason. Oh for ECT and the artificial elevation in mood it produces, I feel kinda stoned without tak…
It feels weird being happy for no reason. Oh for ECT and the artificial elevation in mood it produces, I feel kinda stoned without taking drugs, every time I go for ECT I get a huge panic attack right when they put the oxygen mask over my face, the next thing I know it’s all over and I’m awake and starving! Today would be the first day of treatment I’ve noticed a difference, I’ve even been looking at online Resume Makers and thinking about going back to work some time in the foreseeable future. I know this journal entry is boring but I’ve been asked to log my progress and keep a record of things, so here I go. The only downfall to the ECT is acute memory loss, a psychologist gave me a memory test today and I scored shocking! It’s a bit like having been drunk and getting complete memory blanks, but that should improve with time – I hope!!!
I’ve just got back from taking the dogs for a run along this beach here, (Piha Beach): !http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/gg240/Jenni…
I’ve just got back from taking the dogs for a run along this beach here, (Piha Beach): You can see one of my dog’s asses on this shot here: And here’s another shot: Now I’m back at home for a while where I’m allowed to have tea before I go back to the loony bin to eat their over-processed, watered down shit. :-) I don’t get it, I’m supposed to be “Voluntarily” admitted to the hospital and relatively free to come and go, but if I abscond, they serve a warrant on me and have me arrested, so does that mean I’m voluntary or not? When I asked them they just told me I’m fine as long as I’m back at the hospital for the reported time… I wonder if this stint inside is going down on my records for future employers to be able to look up? It feels like I’m never gonna get out again… I thought I was only going to be inside for a weekend…
Just for historical purposes I’d like it recorded that today, 8 September 2008, I leaped off the operating table and refused to undergo E…
Just for historical purposes I’d like it recorded that today, 8 September 2008, I leaped off the operating table and refused to undergo ECT treatment… It had something to do with having had no sleep the previous night, a panic attack and a syringe! I only wasted the precious, costly hours of a full medical team and an anesthetist, now I feel both relieved and pathetic simultaneously! I’d been awake all night dreading today’s session with the exception of an hour’s sleep, by the time I found myself lying in Theater this morning I’d psyched myself up into a real state, no sooner had I signed the consent form, than I leapt off the gurney and made a headway for the doors! I guess, for now at least, I’ve just had a guts full of it all… Can’t guarantee it wont happen again if I go back either… Been prodded, poked, fried and surveyed too much these past two weeks… I feel like a human experiment. What now? Mmm… Sleep… Yep. xox
My Door That’s what friends are for… I’m having another try at ECT tomorrow, only next time it’ll be different, they’re gonna give something to make me feel legally mellow and stoned so I don’t get last minute stage fright and run from the room! hahahaha. Thanks for all your kind words and support. :-) xox
Note To Self Unless I want to waste the time of an entire medical team, two nurses and two Shrinks, then I must NOT chew Nicorette c…
Note To Self Unless I want to waste the time of an entire medical team, two nurses and two Shrinks, then I must NOT chew Nicorette chewing gum within six hours of ECT. Today’s ECT session has been cancelled and is now scheduled for Monday. I wonder if Nicorette skin patches are okay???
Fuck their crappy ECT… I don’t belong here anyway. There’s a man who barks like a dog and howls, he woke me up this morning follo…
Fuck their crappy ECT… I don’t belong here anyway. There’s a man who barks like a dog and howls, he woke me up this morning following less than four hours sleep – prick. And then there’s this woman who calls herself a cunt and who argues with herself in at least five different personalities. And then there’s me, the Atypical patient who doesn’t fall into any category, not quite normal, not quite insane. This place is supposed to make me “better” and yet I yearn to think and feel the way I did before they put me in here. I haven’t been able to write a single poem since I was incarcerated here over two months ago. I want to feel creative again and I want my mania back again. Fuck them. I’m gonna undo all of their doing… I feel better for having said all of that. :-)
One day I’m going to write something about all of this random shit that goes on in the loony bin, I’ll write about how it sounds like a f…
One day I’m going to write something about all of this random shit that goes on in the loony bin, I’ll write about how it sounds like a fucking farmyard in here with a menagerie of people making animal noises all day long, one lady sounds like a feral cat that needs its balls chopping off, and then there’s poor old Patrick who walks into everybody else’s rooms and puts their clothes on so that he walks around with ill fitting clothing on all day long without even realising it, until someone rounds him up and threatens the life out of him, I feel sorry for Patrick because he has Alzheimers, he’s also known as the loony bin thief as he’ll pick up and take anything that’s not bolted down, how much of that is due to his having Alzheimers and how much is just a clever ploy to be an opportunist, I’m not sure about. Yep one day, when I’m not feeling so frustrated with it all, I’ll probably be able to look back on things and write about them… But not right now. All I know right now is that, if I wasn’t crazy when I came into this place, I sure as hell will be by the time I leave! There’s a journal entry of mine hidden away which showed the state of mind I was in prior to being put in this place, sure I was paranoid, over tired and a bit manic, but I wasn’t insane, I might unhide it and link it to this journal entry so you can see for yourselves, it was written one day prior my GP referring me to the loony bin, which was almost three months ago now. Shit, and I thought I’d only be in here for a week at the most… yeah right…
Hmmm… The more I worry about not being able to write, the less creative I feel, so for lack of anything better to do right now, I’ll up…
Hmmm… The more I worry about not being able to write, the less creative I feel, so for lack of anything better to do right now, I’ll upload pictures to replace the words I would have written. I went home today, this is my Street My house and the sleepout are just over the speed hump, we live in the shittiest of houses in a relatively good location, actually, it’s my house that lowers the tone and market value of the surrounding houses hahaha. Every so often we get asshole neighbours reporting us to the Council for one thing or another, they’d just love us to have to pack up and leave, fucking snobs. I was going to take the dogs to the beach today, but one of our dogs, Ratty, had to go to the vets because he had a swollen tail… I know, it sounds weird, but he was yiking and I thought his tail might be broken because it formed a question mark kind of shape. The vet gave him an anti-inflammatory injection and he slept most of today. / Below is a photo of Ratty, (I have three dogs, including one named China that got dumped on my son by a friend of his who had to go do time in prison. Ratty China Charlie Somehow my son managed to convince me to swap cellphones and it wasn’t until I went to use his one I realised I’d got ripped off, the photo quality sucks and my memory card doesn’t fit it, still, he spent most of the day installing camera software and drivers for me, I was amazed at how fucking patient he could be when it called for it as he had a hell of a job downloading and installing the right drivers, I felt too guilty not to go ahead with the swap after he’d gone to the trouble of setting up my laptop for it. Ah… What the hell, I only use the cellphone for casual photos like the ones you see right here on this boring journal entry.
I blame the meds… He said: Why does every third word you say have to be an expletive? / I said: No it fucking isn’t My Shrink: What do you most enjoy doing? / Me: Sleeping / MY Shrink: When you’re not sleeping what do you most like to do? / Me Go back to sleep. So I’m not the most cooperative patient, who gives a crap? God, please don’t tell me my journal is turning into one of those day to day fucking itineraries where you rant on about boring, unimportant crap like what you ate for breakfast, what colour your shit is, what you watched on television and where you took the dogs for a walk… Shit It is isn’t it? Someone shoot me. xox
Day 2 of freedom outside the loon…
Day 2 of freedom outside the loony bin… So why do I feel so contained? Hmm…
:-) Today I feel like crap, but tomorrow’s a whole new day (An abridged version of an earlier post).
:-) Today I feel like crap, but tomorrow’s a whole new day (An abridged version of an earlier post).
I’m so tired of reaching inside my head to find something to write about and finding a blank page there, I really think all of these pill…
I’m so tired of reaching inside my head to find something to write about and finding a blank page there, I really think all of these pills and shit the psychiatrist has prescribed are flattening out my creative curve. On a brighter note, it’s a beautifully warm and sunny Summer’s day today, so I think I’ll take my laptop outside for a while and watch the keys on the keyboard melt. ;-)
Hello, everyone! Recently I drew a short story “Heaven Revolution” for a…
Hello, everyone! Recently I drew a short story “Heaven Revolution” for a publisher Zeros2Heroes in Canada. Today was release, and you can read the book online! / Enjoy ! / Thank you :D
Hey everyone! If you would kindly add me to your watch I would truly appreciate it. I made a new account for just my manipulations. / ...
Hey everyone! If you would kindly add me to your watch I would truly appreciate it. I made a new account for just my manipulations. MEMOIR I hope you join me.
Dream and Fantasy Art Group / !http://images-3.redbubble.net/img/art/border:noborder/produ…
Dream and Fantasy Art Group / / THank you so much! Thank you from my heart!!! From now on my Photomanipulations will only be uploaded in my Red Bubble Account here MEMOIR I am also having a contest for you to win an 8×10 print from my Deviant art gallery and all the information can be found here / COZYCOMFYCOUCH CONTEST
OMG!!!! !http://images-1.redbubble.net/img/art/border:whitewithdetail/product:laminated-print/size:small/view:preview/3532330-3-to-d…
OMG!!!! THANKS SO MUCH! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! / I have always wanted to be on the front page of RB!!! YAY! / What an honor! Thank you ! / THANK YOU SO MUCH AND FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS!!!! / It means so much to me!!!! RB FRONT PAGE-PAGE THREE THANKS SO MUCH! :)
Dana has a lovely account here and on Deviant Art. / She made this with the stock of my little Eleni. / I think its so beautiful! Thank you…
Dana has a lovely account here and on Deviant Art. / She made this with the stock of my little Eleni. / I think its so beautiful! Thank you Dana! DANA POINT
!http://images-1.redbubble.net/img/art/border:whitewithdetail/product:laminated-print/size:small/view:preview/1533234-1-my-self-survived-...
/ I just sold a canvas print! I am so so happy!!!! It was so slow there for a long time! I think its been like four months since I sold anything. / I won’t give names but I just wanted to say a BIG THANK YOU! To the lovely person whom bought it. Thanks from my heart! I also have the other RB site Memoir / and I was featured on the front page!!!! / I haven’t been around RB for a while. I’ve been on the computer though. Deviant art keeps me so busy. Not with selling. Its mostly really great friends that I like to talk to and see how they’re doing . ALso my blog. I am hooked or reading about crafts and contest!LOL I am so hooked on it!LOL I also don’t feel that organized right now. I have a few flower photos to upload but I love Photomanipulations and I have the other site which I love too. So I have so many things going. Zazzle too! I love Zazzle. I must tell you that Red Bubble and Zazzle are so fantastic! I have made more sales on these two sites than any other. Do you have a fave site that you sell work on? So I have many sites and not enought time!LOL / I love them all though. Some more than others. Red Bubble and Zazzle are the best so far. / DA has good things too but sales is not one of them! So that being said i must go and upload some flora shots and then later upload more things on zazzle. To find all my links and I’m up to follow me on Blogger! / I am always updating and blogging on what I am doing. / So if you like Maria Medeiros Photography & Design Or twitter. You can get the link from my blog site. :) Cheers and have a wonderful week!
I haven’t been around, i am so sorry. Happy New year to you all! / I have a few features that I will be adding. I sold this today and I …
I haven’t been around, i am so sorry. Happy New year to you all! / I have a few features that I will be adding. I sold this today and I don’t like to announce who bought it but I would like to say a BIG thank you to the lovely person who did and whom left me amazing and beautfful comments! THANKS SO MUCH!
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