Well …. the scans are done and now just the wait to see the Dr. I checked my phone this morning and there was a message from them askin…
Well …. the scans are done and now just the wait to see the Dr. I checked my phone this morning and there was a message from them asking me to make an appointment. She said he never said it was urgent (whew) so I made it for Monday :) Hopefully he now sees more clearly what the lesions are … then I guess a few more tests and a way to get rid of them :) And hopefully much better health from then on :) Was such a big day out for a little boy yesterday too LOL Had the appointment with Centerlink (yuck) but all went well there so I am covered for a month at least. :) Hopefully won’t need it too much longer after that :) SLOWLY getting stuff done with my ex gf. My solicitor sent the first letter to her this week, she’d have it for sure by now … so I guess now I just wait and see what her response is too that and hopefully move on after all this time :)
On a lesser high, but equally satisfying- people in the world have claimed areas of a suburb near me to now be totally SMOKE free! Club a…
On a lesser high, but equally satisfying- people in the world have claimed areas of a suburb near me to now be totally SMOKE free! Club and pubs are, and a few beaches around me are and I am so happy! A great coup for the environment, my lungs and hopefully a few smokers are going to choose to be FORMER smokers… No apologies to smokers (it’s my journal!) Had a debate about it with a group of friends that inc’d one out-numbered smoker last night…still debating in my head! A great effort from councillors to pass that. People are now no longer able to pay to kill themselves slowly, in public…or me. Let’s face it-I don’t mind if that’s what they choose, as I long as I don’t have to kiss them, or miss them if they die…or pay for their medical bills. It’s legal that people do it-I’m surprised the government hasn’t been sued-but that’s why there are those health warnings. Hmmm. This is supposed to be happy, happy, joy, joy! OK, yes, here we are- very grateful; my mum, dad, sisters, auntsx7, uncles x4, the BF, the people I work with x6+, parents of kids I tutor and babysit for DON”T smoke and will therefore increase their chances of long, healthy lives with their kids, and me! Anyway. As I’ve said before, hating smokers, I believe, creates more of an unseen ‘social’ toxicity. I don’t think is going to help anyone change. I do have people in my life who I love dearly and smoke…didn’t stop me from hiding their cigarettes (when I was 12) but that didn’t make them give up either! So, to all the smokers-find out the reason you smoke. It’s not to keep you healthy, can’t be to make you look cool, or feel good, and taste really has probably been nullified. That fear of putting on weight can be replaced by an addiction substitute to walking. Change the smoke break you used to have to fresh air breaks. I would say to myself-(and yes, you can say it in yr head-sounds very much like a new age chant out loud!) I am now breathing new life in to my lungs and my life-literally. It’s like being born again, hehe. A new religious convert to living. You deserve life, and all the good things it can offer- full breathes, clean lungs and healthy arteries have got to sound appealing!! Plus, with all that extra cash, you can go buy a lotto ticket…or some cards on Redbubble! >How about a nice cloud ‘puff’?!!!!! :] Go get ‘em!
So lately I have been entering these art competitions at my school because my teachers have been telling me about them, I figure what the…
So lately I have been entering these art competitions at my school because my teachers have been telling me about them, I figure what the hell… I entered The League for Innovation Student Art COmpetition, and The Society of Illustrators Student Scholarship Competition… and I got in BOTH! ... I had been in the League for Innovation last year too which was pretty rad… it basically gets your piece published in this book with other artists from schools i believe in my district… This was the first time I entered in the Society of Illustrators, and which is pretty badass… my Death of Jack painting got in both … but for the society of illustraors my painting gets sent to New York City to be in an art show for them… It also gets published in a book along with all the other artists that got in and when in the art show it gets juried to decide if i win money i guess… which would be pretty cool… I thought it was cool that they only chose 150 out of about 3000 entries to be in the show… so I’m quite happy now… there are some more contest and showings coming up so i think i may enter those as well…. / wohoo!
- “O gawd, I need a cigarette!” My mind staggers over its own vomit of memories of sweeter times / when I had fuckin’ smokes! Them was …
- “O gawd, I need a cigarette!” My mind staggers over its own vomit of memories of sweeter times / when I had fuckin’ smokes! Them was the days, my friends! / I smoke alot, though. Perhaps, too much. Maybe I’ll quit. Maybe / I won’t. Sometimes, I think I’m gonna have a heart attack. And so I have a smoke. Ah, sweet, sweet chest tightening, lung gagging smoke. Sometimes, I smoke / for the goddamn hell of it. I don’t necessarily NEED one. I’m not nic fitting or anything. Sometimes, I just wanna taste cigarette smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. / Just one DRAG, man… Sometimes, I smoke when the chips are down and things ain’t looking so good. Sometimes, a cigarette just seems to make all the bullshit just that much easier to deal with. I know the bowels of financial disparity. It’s gruesome and unforgiving. / Once, in San Fran, I was homeless, friendless and alone. I slept on a beach in a sleeping bag by a soft fire. The western horizon over the ocean was my movie. There were never any reruns. AND I had smokes. Marlboro Reds in a box. It was cool, then. Not like now. Sometimes, I smoke because it’s distinguishing. I wish I was the Marlboro Man. Or Joe Cool. He’s the Camel cigarettes mascot. I wear dark shades when I smoke. A leather jacket and black jeans. Do you think I’m cool? Sometimes, I smoke when I play guitar. I wanna look like B.B. King or Slash or something. I’ll play blues riffs or heavy metal. Either way, it looks that much deadlier when I’ve got a lit smoke in my mouth. Keith Richards is my nutritionist. Sometimes, I smoke after sex. Do you thnk it odd that a smoke after sex kinda feels the same as a smoke after a meal? It’s that “cherry on top” feeling. It makes me smile, slightly. I turn to look at Her. She is also still naked but she’s pulled up the blankets over her acutely feminine breasts. They aren’t very big but, I got my mouth over almost all of it. I’ve heard women can orgasm from nipple sucking alone. Interesting. One of my favorite hobbies. Anyway, if I love Her, I look at her for a very long time. She gets shy and smiles a girlish smile that snares me like a bear trap. If I don’t, I look down at her covered body and think to myself, “After I finish this smoke, I’m gonna bang her, again.” Wait, this is no investigation. Sometimes, I smoke when I’m pissed off. Nicotine fits suck. I fuckin’ hate them! Shit fuckin’ fuck motherfuck!! I can’t FUCKING stand them!!! Aaargh! I need nicotine!!! / They say it’s the little things in life that make it worth living. But, it’s ALSO the little things in life that can set someone off and make them bring a semi-automatic weapon to work one day and begin raining bullets on everyone’s parade. Only if that poor dumb piece of shit had a smoke. He coulda sat, had a nice refreshing smoke and thought about it for awhile. He miight’ve decided, instead, to go and pound the shit out of his girlfriend. Then, at least, no one would’ve died a horrible bloody death. Damn! Sometimes, I smoke when I’m sad. Fuckin’ melodrama carries over more naturally with cigarette smoke blowing from my tightened lips. I bite them and fight back tears. / Only if I hadn’t have said that! Why did this have to happen? WHY! Nobody loves me! I’m so alone! What am I gonna do? My life sucks! I hate everything! You’re all wrong! I’m right! Fuck you. Why do you hate me? Why did we break up? Fuckin drama tears and breakdowns. My soul is old and tired but, I’m still here. Sometimes, I smoke when I’m writing poetry. I’m not quite sure what it is. I think it’s the taste and the act of smoking that seems to help stir up those demons and get my pen moving. It’s like a security blanket or bouy. Sometimes, I smoke just to have something to do. It’s often better to be smoking than to just be set there like a bumpkin. Sometimes, I smoke in defiance of custom or morality. Little did I know that smoking would become customary and the morality is that smoking is a good thing. Corporately speaking, of course. Sometimes, I smoke when I drink but, I only drink sometimes. I ALWAYS smoke when I’m high. And I’m ALWAYS high. So, I’m always smokin’. ‘Cept fer now. Oh, wait!! I have a butt saved from last night stashed in my sock drawer. I hope it’s not to toe jammy smelling. Fuck it if it is. I’m still smokin’ the little motherfucker. Later, y’all. /
June 20th 1940- March 16th 2009 / Last Thursday my mom’s condition got really bad and we (my dad and I) decided to take her back to the …
June 20th 1940- March 16th 2009 / Last Thursday my mom’s condition got really bad and we (my dad and I) decided to take her back to the hospital. After waiting 11 hours in the emergency, she was then seen by a doctor and had to wait until the next day to be given a room. This entire time she wasn’t even offered a juice or water! She was so tired and finaly the next day they placed her in a room. I was with her all night until about two in the morning and then my dad stayed with her the rest of the night. She didn’t sleep as she was having trouble breathing. She couldn’t even lie down. / She said to us, “I have three days left”. I said to her “don’t say that mommy” / I went home and came the next day in the afternoon because I have Eleni and my husband is at work so my dad was with my mom all day and then I went around 4 in the afternoon and stayed with my mom until 9 at night. I fed her a little and her breathing go really bad. She was so tired and i took the pillow and placed it on the table in front of her so she can sleep. She sleeped a little. I was so worried but didn’t think it was really that serious. Just like the other times, I thought she would come back home. My dad came and took me home and he came back to the hospital and stayed with my mom all night. He has been by my mothers side for 6 months taking care of her and providing her with love and care. I arrived on Saturday morning and my mom had a bigger oxygen mask and she couldn’t even speak! I was freaking out! She was in so much pain and they started giving her morphine. I held her hand and helped her as much as I could from morning until 9 at night I was by her side. She couldn’t eat anymore or get up anymore! I was in shocked at how fast her condition was going down hill. I was giving her water for her lips and vaseline because they were dry, I was holding her hand and telling her how much she means to me and how much I love her. She was in so much pain that her legs and arm were going all over the place. It was a site that no one should see and go through. My dad spent the night with her and lots of family arived to be with her and see her. At times she could still recongise us and mouth things to us but very little because the pain was too much and the morphene was making her out of it. I had to go but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay with her longer but I was there for 12 hours and had to get some rest. / The next day, Sunday, I was there from 10 in the morning until ten at night again holding her hand and trying to keep her mouth moist and kept telling her it will be okay, and that I was there beside her. Her arms and legs were still going and she felt like she was drowning because only one lung was working. Her mophine dose directed by the doctor was up from 4 to 6 mg every hour! At times I was helping the nurses because they are low on staff! Can you believe this? I had to help change my mom and helped with clearing her lungs from the fluid that she had. The doctor said that at this point they were going to stop all other medication and the IV because there was no point in prolonging this suffering that she was going through. At this point my stomach turned and my heart was so broken. It felt like I was punched in the stomach. Everyone in the family came by to say goodbye to my mom. / I was there holding her had and I told her “mommy, please let go, don’t suffer anymore and let go” I made sure I told her I loved her many times. They gave her a shot of 6mg of morphene and she calmed down for the time being. This gave me a little time from trying to hold her down from her flaring arms and legs. The priest came and gave her communion and a prayer. She was sleeping and I looked at her and knew it was the last time I would see her. I kissed her, I smelled her hair and kissed her hand. I told her I would come in the morning and good night. My dad and brother spent the night with her. They told me that she was uncomfortable and her breathing was different. My brother went home and got a little fan for my mom because my mom felt really hot and came back. At 7:30 Monday morning my brother was going to ask the nurse for more morphine and my dad was going to call me to come to the hospital. He looked at my mom she looked up at him and squeezed his hands and took her last breath. My dad then closed her eyes and held her in his arms and cried. I got the call..the call no one wants to get. My brother crying on the phone. I took a taxi and got there really fast. My dad, on his knees, crying by my mothers side. I kissed her and her face still warm, I kissed her hand and face and told her I love her. Wednesday was the viewing and Thursday was the burial. This whole thing dosn’t feel real. My dad…, I have to be strong for him. I trust in God that everything happens for a reason and I guess I am dealing with it okay because I saw how much my mother suffered. It has been a hard and difficult six months for my mom. She endured so much pain! She suffered so much! My dad suffered with her and is taking it so hard. I must be strong for him. / That last night when I said goodbye to her, I prayed to God to take her and not to let her suffer anymore and he did. He took my mommy from the pain. / She will be missed and there won’t be a day I won’t think about her. Her memory will live for ever in my heart and soul! Everyone remembers my mommy as a funny lady that made everyone laugh and she had a big heart. She told the truth and didn’t hold back. She was so strong until the end and fought a strong fight. She had a wonderful life and was loved by everyone. My little Eleni goes into her room and says “yia yia is gone!” she says “yia yia has boo boo and is at the hopital” she also says “yia yia is with Jesus in heaven”
I have not shared this news with many here, but have decided to explain the certain absents in the next few weeks as I have surgery and r…
I have not shared this news with many here, but have decided to explain the certain absents in the next few weeks as I have surgery and recover from same. I am not asking for sympathy only prayer and positive thoughts to support me in my quest to beat this. Last October I had a nasty case of pneumonia and was required to stay in the hospital for about 11 days, during this time I was also told I had Lung Cancer. After numerous tests it was confirmed and the course of treatment was decided – after undergoing 2 Chemo treatments the medical staff decided surgery must be done – the Cancer has not spread at this time, it is centralized to a mass in my upper lobe of my left lung. During the testing for the Lung Cancer I was in a limbo stage – they were certain it was Cancer but not certain as to the degree it would affect my life as I know it. I had lost over 35 pounds and the uncertainty of my future forced me to really appraise my life in a REAL way. We all think what would happen at times, it’s a natural thing I suppose. But until the reality that you may not have many sunrises / sunsets left to view sets in, it is just passing thoughts many times taken for granite. I am not a religious person, but am very spiritual. Who could ever say there was not a GOD after some of the things in nature I have had the pleasure and privilege to witness. Some of these things I have been able to capture – others I just stood amazed in awe finding no need to photograph, and those are still as vivid now as the moment I viewed them in my mind. I am going to BEAT LUNG CANCER; I have so much left to do! I am not the best photographer in the world and never will be, but my passion shows in much of my work, even if only I can see it! It is therapeutic and I love to attempt to replicate a scene just as I view it, to share – not to own! / Any and all positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated `` During my downtime I will be selecting images for a 2010 calendar project in which all the proceeds will be donated to the American Lung Association & St Jude’s Hospitals for Children. Please find it in your hearts to see the great work both organizations do and directly donate to them through their websites.
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