Bitterness Journal Entries

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  by Arletta

  Good news to start a hot and clammy day with! Bitter has been featured in…

  Good news to start a hot and clammy day with! Bitter has been featured in the “Mature Woman”: http://www.redbubble.com/groups/mature-woman group. Thank you to the lovely people, or person, who made that decision!

• 6/5/2008 6:45pm
  by conceited

  Still in an awkward place / still feeling a little lost / emotions that i have had / have turned to bitterness and hate. / the luster of happ…

  Still in an awkward place / still feeling a little lost / emotions that i have had / have turned to bitterness and hate. / the luster of happiness has changed / to loss of self and worth I am a recovering drug addict / recovering from heart ache, disbelief, lies, and hate / i don’t ever feel like getting high / although, at the same time… / i don’t like feeling the way i am currently / but getting high wouldn’t fix my problem / so there’s no need to go out and waste my life on that. / writing helps me get my emotions out / even though i am trying to hide from them right now. encouragement would be gladly appreciated at this time -joe p.s. suggestions of great art for me to look at / would/could cheer me up… something beautiful / to conter-act with the way i feel.

• Close to committing Murder...No it's not a guy I'm not Isabelle remember? I HATE MONDAYS...and I am missing Harmoni...NEED FREEDOM FROM HELL!!!!
  by Psyche

  GOd how I hate Mondays. And I definitely hated this one. Ugh it’s not even over yet on my coast. You know I’m taking care of my Grandmot…

  GOd how I hate Mondays. And I definitely hated this one. Ugh it’s not even over yet on my coast. You know I’m taking care of my Grandmother. I gave up my certification and my practice to take care of her fulltime. All day long everytime I say this. People coo and ahhh over me. They think I am just one in a million for that. BULLSHIT! I was just raised that that was how it was done. Your parents care for you when you’re young and then you care for them when they’re old. BUT… my grandmother is a NASTY, BITTER, MEAN, PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE WOMAN that just can’t let me be happy. And since I’ve started living with her again. I’ve slowly lost every bit of my freedom. And at each turn it’s been based on doing something for my grandmother and each time I’ve asked for her help and she’s turned me down. I’ve even given her reasonable options on how it would be easy on her or how I could get the financial or other burden back off of her back in a really REALLY short amount of time. Her response is usually I am sorry but I can’t. But now she justs says I don’t want to. / She doesn’t like me to dream or hope either. I had a really unique and clever business that would’ve survived in this failing economy and I even had the funding for it. And my Grandmother lied about an aspect of the business section of the newspaper to me so my hopes would fail and I would lose my confidence to go forward with the chance. My days are so crazy and can include all kinds of tasks and errands that I would never have time to sit down and decipher the business section and she knew I would just take her word on it. Then I just decided to back it up with some net searching. That’s when I found out my client demographic was actually booming for the next six months. That it is now the season for my business to boom!! When I told her this and asked her if she knew, She responded with, “Yeah but you’d never have gotten financed. I saved you the embarassment.” Well, it’s called the ANGEL network for a reason. They fund anyone even with poor credit, and mine is just under 700. It’s really been getting better and the only thing on there dragging me down is the surgery I had for my tumor removal. Which my grandmother said she would pay for and then just let go on my credit record. / I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW HOW I SOUND!!!! BUT I AM TIRED OF HER PUSHING ME AND TRYING TO KEEP ME UNDER HER THUMB!!! SHE’S NOT HAPPY WHEN I’M GONE! SHE”S ONLY HAPPY WHEN I’M AT HOME! I mean if I spend all day in my room taking care of stuff on the computer I get it done much faster, but when I’d try to study or do classes online in the den then AND ONLY THEN WOULD SHE WANT TO TALK!! And she’d talk my head off! ABOUT THE DUMBEST SHIT- like who’s got a new arthritis med. or now so and so has gall bladder problems or the guy down the street had a heart attack…WELL GUESS WHAT?>?? YOUR STILL ALIVE SO START ACTING LIKE IT!!! OH- but when I had gotten an A in Abnormal Psych. Or had passed Dialectical behavioral therapy with flying colors, or had the chance to speak at a seminar…she didn’t want to hear it because she was watching HGTV….FUCKING HOUSES!!!! SHE WAS NEVER AGAIN BUYING OR SELLING HER HOUSE WTF!!! / BTW- Whenever I wanted to go out of town to either attend or speak at one of those conferences or seminars…she’d come down with a sickness and beg me or she’d fall and hurt herself and need someone to care more attentively for her. AND SHE FUCKING WHINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! / I JUST CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. I WRITE ABOUT A SERIAL KILLER WHO TARGETS COCKY MEN…..WELL IF I FINALLY SLIP MY SANITY AND DO GO OFF THE ONES I’LL TARGET IS THE FUCKING CRANKY NASTY BITTER OLD PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT SOMEONE TO PITY AND TAKE CARE OF THEM… / OH AND IF THAT WASN”T BAD…. There is a definition of alcoholic in ab psych. with a couple of sub categories. one of them defines the functioning alcoholic with the sub heading of the evening alcohie. THAT’S MY GRANDMOTHER MISS FUCKING HIGH AND MIGHTY She literally counts down the seconds til three and pours herself LIBERAL and STRONG drinks of either Crown Royal and JUST a spash of water, which makes her mean and verbally abusive, or Wine, which she used to water down with an ice cube to humor me, which makes her sobby and clingy. She tells me she strictly only drinks three(Unless she forgets that she told me that then she tells me it’s only two and adamently denies that she drinks three….then one time she swore she only drank one drink a night! PUH-LEASE) TRUTH: she goes to the fridge and keeps reifilling everytime I go to the bathroom….Like I can’t hear the ice machine chugging to life from the bathroom…ERRRGGGHH!!!! / And then when I finally DO BLOW UP AT HER AND TELL HER SHE”S CROSSED THE LINE SHE DENIES THAT SHE SAID OR DID IANYTHING WRONG OR IS IN ANY WAY CULPABLE AND JUST SAYS I AM HAVING A BIPOLAR EPISODE / I think I am going to murder her. / or something…hey anyone got an extra room?

• To eradicate aspiring pantominists.
  by saiminyaku

  One of the things that I’ve observed throughout my years, is fake fucks without an opinion of their own. Everyone knows at least one, bu…

  One of the things that I’ve observed throughout my years, is fake fucks without an opinion of their own. Everyone knows at least one, but most likely know more without even knowing so. It’s truly a disgusting thing to know the things I do about those who think they’ve got everyone fooled. The thing they didn’t count on is that the observing eye. Either way, I’m calling out you pathetic emotion whores. You can always tell an actor from the way they talk; the consistency of the use of the same excuse or opening statement when confronted and the horribly amazing way that they always seem so completely clueless of their wrong actions and yet, represent themselves to be an intelligent and headstrong individual. Funny how the contrast is much more defined when put into words in front of you and not running laps around the circumference of your subconscious. They also have a tendency to bend their views around different individuals that they seek approval and respect from. Not only in the cases of senseless debate but in issues that may affect what they can get away with in the future, depending on their wording in stating their view at the time. For instance, a girl says that she wouldn’t mind if her boy danced with another girl whom in which she knows is ugly and simply being dance with out of pity just so in the future, she could do the same but with someone of her choice without consequence, critique and coming off as a hypocrite. Loophole digging bitches. Looking for any escape route in the walls of a committed relationship without risking what they love so dearly about their partner’s dedication. Pathetic fucking leeches with only moral and ethics built for the current trend. When you’re found out and put on your ass, you will only start anew elsewhere. Now this doesn’t mean travelling to a far off place necessarily, but simply going into another state of “bonding through isolation” with another, just to play the same game all over again. To believe that some of these actors are so fucking mechanical and unoriginal that their gameplan never changes to fit the person, but is revolved around them. “You’re not like any other girl/boy I’ve met. I know I’ve been a slut in my past but it’s only you that I feel this way for. Oh, how I’d change for you.“ Heard this or something like this before? How did it end? Find out they said the same thing to another girl? Find out that they lied to you about other things during this time of ‘release?’ You found yourself an actor. A fucking little child too weak for the strength needed for a dedicated relationship, but all too needy for the illusion of such a thing. So selfish and mechanical that it makes me sick to think that fucks like this are the kind of kids I grew up with. I watched and heard the way boys my age talked about their girlfriends or the girls they were talking to. I knew what went on behind the scenes as well. to this day, I see fucks like this still pressing the same middle school game on the court. Call me old fashion but, I believe in loyalty to your word. I am thankful for little shits like this though. If I didn’t grow up around them and if they didn’t exist to this day, I wouldn’t have something to look down upon and something greater to strive for. I wouldn’t have the heart I do nor would I have the opinions I do. I’d be another fucking sheep waiting to get on that fresh patch of grass, eating it until barely even roots were left. Then waiting for the shepherd to lead me to another field where the same thing can go down. I wouldn’t be that wolf. The one that wants to put you all in your place. In the ground below all of those you trampled and ate up along the way. You brainless, mechanical, chameleon-esque pieces of shit.

• Bitter Blessing....
  by Inna Kibitskaya

  To love someone with everything you are. Someone in whose heart you’re nothing but a pawn. Could easily be written off as one of the bigg…

  To love someone with everything you are. Someone in whose heart you’re nothing but a pawn. Could easily be written off as one of the biggest curses. The pain of love surpasses all other pains; with gladness would be traded in for any form of physical pain. And too often is exchanged for life itself. Perhaps the error in our ways is perception. To perceive it a curse. Could the pain and torture of love not be a blessing? Because you see Jesus Christ Himself came down and died for every single one of us, because he was in love with us, yet in so many of our hearts, He remains yet, a pawn. Is Jesus Christ experiencing a curse? Or do we get a portion of a bitter blessing? Writing it off as curse, because it’s not sweet…. To understand the works of God is nearly impossible, and could only be accomplished by knowing His heart. I always prayed: God, let me see through your eyes, and let me feel with your heart… little did I know, what I was asking for…… God so loved the world. I so love this man. The parallel between the two is quite simple. If interpreted correctly God Himself is giving you a glimpse of His heart. Is that not a blessing? We hear it over and over. God loves you, Jesus loves you. Jesus died for you, and by the age of 12, it’s one of the most repeated meaningless phrases. In order to comprehend “Jesus loves you” best, is to experience what love is. It’s to love someone to the extent where your life is worth nothing without them (He gave up His for us). You love a man with your whole mind, body and soul. Imagine it. Multiply that by a million, that’s a fraction of how much God loves you. This man knows you love him. Yet doesn’t really care. You knew all along how much Jesus Himself loved you, how much did you care? He goes on with his flings, meets new girls, flirting has become art for him. Remember? Sin? You never did anything wrong really? Just flirting with sin…. Text messages, phone calls… Think of the pain that stabs at your heart as you find out about this mans flings, as you accidentally see a text message you weren’t suppose to, as you accidentally glance at a ringing phone and see a name you wish you hadn’t. Imagine that pain. Multiply it by a million. that’s a small fraction of what Jesus feels about “it’s not a big deal”, “nothing serious”…… Each time you get hurt, betrayed, or rejected by someone you love, don’t throw words of accusations at them. Don’t tell them they are wrong. Don’t try and seek revenge. Bless them, and then get down on your knees and apologize to God, Who is head over heels in love with you for each time you hurt Him, each time you betrayed Him, each time you rejected Him. For everyday you forgot to call Him; remember how you felt? For each text message He sent you that you never replied to; remember how you felt…. Then thank Him for this painful yet beautiful lesson…. Love… it indeed is a blessing. “Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God.” Inna Kibitskaya