I could spend a lifetime vexing over this topic. And why I came to be a person who muses over what is unseen instead of taking what I see as truth, I have no idea. I am told it is because I run on instincts and think with emotions instead of words that people say. Believe me, sometimes I wish it weren’t true. But then I think of how often I lie. Like when I feel like blowing my head off and that my life will fall apart and someone asks me how my day is going… I say, “Great! How is yours?” Not because I want to hide anything, but because I don’t know if they want to blow their heads off and I don’t want to minimize their pain by shoving mine in their faces. There is also the poignant fact that it is my opinion that no one really gives a damn how I feel anyway. It’s just babble. That is one small example of how I live and how my brain works.
Yesterday… a camera appeared at work. It was pointed at the other three people in my department. My desk is separate from theirs and despite the fact that people think I am the receptionist when they walk through, I rather like having my back to everyone so I can focus. Turns out the camera wasn’t plugged in. We don’t know if it was a joke or if it was to scare us.
My cats often fight in the closet. I cannot see them, just hear them. I come running in to break it up and often worry that my older girl is going to be bloodied by my new young boy, but she’s pretty tough. This morning… I saw them fighting in the kitchen. It consisted of air boxing and growls. Their was no blood and hardly any contact. Maybe I should stop worrying.
In reality, do any of us know what is real? I hazard to think we don’t. There are so many layers of things and other things in the world. I take thought in correcting myself when I want something to happen for the wrong reasons, if I want to use someone for my own benefit. But rest assured, I am an actress on this stage as are we all. I may speak more truth than some, but that is the reality. I hope I am a crappy actress.