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within . . .

within . . . .
the brokenness a crazy life
the gaps of unmet needs
the shames of my hidden mind

i dance among the pieces
because i NEED to dance
i laugh because I’m a camel for joy
i tip toe between the cracks
because they are still tender
i avoid the craters
because i cannot seem to finish peering into my desolation
to gather the remaining flecks of gold.
still assessing what I need against what it will cost me
because it always does
all the while breathing hot sand..

i believe in redemption
i believe in justice
i believe in goodness
i believe in the sustanance of an overcoming spirit
i count on a power that is way stronger, wiser
steadier and more creative and amazing than i
infinite resources

my mind is the shortcut
the trapdoor
the secret path
the rabbit in the hat
the ancient program
the aces up my sleeve.

So yes to . . .
divine compensation
grace that covers
mercy I don’t deserve
but cry out for anyway
and gratefully accept
in the core of my goodness
near the remaining shards of darkness
still sometimes . . . .
a blackness seeps out of me
alongside fragrant elderberry juices
of varying ripeness
body flowers out leeching bleeding toxin
to pant recovery
suck air and wait
as healing fills the voids
in foundational layers
i never did like this place
of desolation
but these threshing fields
have hammered out
the refinements of my soul.

still . . . .
a pain
that defies sound
a loneliness I was born with
a sorrow that is inconsolable
silent eyes watching
from behind the separation
I have been so alone on this earth
nearly all my life
it must be God’s compensation
that i truly enjoy my own company
as i carry among my birthrights
a loneliness
that is both a singular priviledge
and common curse
i choose the embrace of acceptance
over the the hell of rejection
to trailblaze find and follow
my own wild unfurling paths.

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enjoy making direct work from natural materials in my prairie and wildlife sanctuary.
i am a very restless person and I work in many different ways with a variety of media.

One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.
Anne Marrow Lindbergh

My images and written works do NOT belong to the public domain. All images and written works in this gallery are owned by me and © copyrighted, All Rights Reserved.

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Comments

  • Jennifer Rhoades
    Jennifer Rhoadesalmost 2 years ago

    Speechless. I can only applaud in wonder.

  • that is . . . a truly wonderful comment Jen. Dear thanks to you. x

    – evon ski

  • eon .
    eon .almost 2 years ago

    From your page… To great spirits to do list … A wonderful expression of truth.

  • ha haa. thanks so much Steve. I hope I AM on the Great Spirit’s To DO list. :)))

    – evon ski

  • JaneRoberts
    JaneRobertsalmost 2 years ago

    Whew! I do relate. This is so wonderful! xx

  • happy to hear but a little sad to hear that too.
    loneliness is truly something everyone deals with . . . at least experiences it . . . often in otherwise very good rich and full lives. :))
    Thanks for reading and leaving your words for me. xx

    – evon ski

  • autumnwind
    autumnwindalmost 2 years ago

    wow, well an amazingly introspective write. much was said here…of loneliness, it is an interesting thing, as it can feel devastating at times there is no doubt. it makes me also consider the person who is lonely even surrounded by others. I often wonder which is worse, to be honest with you. as you are at least able to have the freedom to follow through on those last two lines…..and you never know what is waiting down that path. here’s to trailblazing! and a most exceptional write!!!
    hugs! xoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxooxox

  • Hi Shar, I think loneliness is a state that everyone has to contend with, sometimes off and on, sometimes for a season. I think it is actually good to fully experience because you are very mndful of the great value of true friendship. I have experienced glorious fullness and contentment in situations where I have been alone without human company . . . loneliness in a crowd, at a party is very commonplace. In church or marriage I think are the worst, because you cannot help but have expcted more. To feel known, accepted and deeply loved and appreciated for who you are versus what you do is one of the most simple and profound beauties of life.
    Thank you for your thoughtful read aand response. :))) xoxox

    – evon ski

  • solarbear
    solarbearalmost 2 years ago

    Its always a measure of a strong writer and character that when you read their confessions of aloneness and sorrow you do not feel pity for them or a desire to console them, but just to continue walking your own path alongside, knowing that everything is exactly how it’s meant to be :)x

  • Thank you for reading and understanding. :))

    – evon ski

  • Donna19
    Donna19almost 2 years ago

    Ahh the pain of self. I can relate baby girl:(

  • we are human and this too shall pass. Thanks for the kind thoughts D. :))

    – evon ski

  • Rocky Loder
    Rocky Loderalmost 2 years ago

    this is not only great poetry…its every thing that cannot be taught…its the free flow of thought and expression…which in my insane little world is poetry at its best….

  • that is a stunning comment coming especially from a fabulous poet such as yourself. Great thanks to Rocky, for most dearly appreciated words. :)

    – evon ski

  • Cynthia Lund Torroll
    Cynthia Lund T...almost 2 years ago

    heart><heavy
    Your honesty is searing.
    xx

  • well. . . searing honesty . . that’s pretty good description there. always a tough place to visit . . thank so much for taking this time to go through my work and give such loving Right On the Money support. You are a gem of a gem!! xxx

    – evon ski

  • Rich Ladig
    Rich Ladigalmost 2 years ago

    You sure put a lot into your writing Yvonca and love how your words throw a punch!
    ‘Within’ is just between the ears…and the fat lady sings with no end near!!! :)

  • you are so kind Rich, I appreciate your encouragement and I thank you. :))

    – evon ski

  • Rnz0
    Rnz0almost 2 years ago

    (had a fever of culpability)

  • huhh . . .? :))

    – evon ski

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