1.) “If you are insulted by me, don’t feel too bad because if I don’t like you, you will be summarily ignored.”
2.) “The worst thing about women is they keep expecting things from you, like…have a job…be reasonably clean…don’t beat them up… They really have to stop that.”
3.) “The thing I’ve always loved about America is that I can say anything I want and then you can sue me for libel. It appeals to my sense of balance.
4.) "You know you’re getting old when you use the word “dungarees” at a party and fully two thirds of the people have no idea what you mean.
5.) “Someday your car might break down and it’ll be an electrical problem so you might not be able to charge your cell phone which coincidentally lost its charge just then so you’ll have to walk for help. It may be a hot summer day. You’ll come upon some awful, stinky, maggot ridden road kill.
DON’T EAT IT…okay?”
6.) "It is our weak, lazy-minded and egocentric habits that have molded us into a country of citizens that believe all too gullibly that we are “NUMBER 1” and that our government has our best interests at heart. “My country, right or wrong!” Has anybody ever stopped to realize that this statement means that you are willing to be EVIL if your country tells you to?"
7.) “It’s funny how common sense has become a commodity in such rare supply that today it qualifies as wisdom.”
8.) "I think it a bit odd that scientists, just because they have a series of letters after their names, can quantify a subject and qualify it as a science, such as quantum physics, when shaman down through the centuries have recognized the same laws. But when THEY recognized them, they were consigned to the world of “paranormal” transcendental metaphysics and magic. Why? Ah yes…no letters"
9.) "Our government has got us face down on the pavement with our arm pulled up behind our back and they’re screaming “Say Uncle”! How does that make you feel? How much of YOUR lunch money has the bully stolen from you in your lifetime? Agents are quitting the IRS in droves. WHY???"
10.) "Nicky the Knife and Tony (two chins) Tuccini are at the door of your business telling you that for a price they will provide protection and you’d better pay it or else.
The IRS is at your door saying you have to pay for their “service” or else. How is there any difference between these two scenarios? And how does the IRS qualify as a ‘SERVICE’?"
11.) “I propose a new battle cry for the rest of the decade: GYHOOYA! Get-Your-Head-Out-Of-Your-Ass.”
12.) “Those of you who are for the wars in Iraq an Afghanistan, get your hypocritical, lazy asses out and fight the damned things. And by the way get your wallets out too.”
13.)I’m drawing a line in the sand. If you are pro Iraq/Afghanistan war you are no friend of mine. I consider you a war-mongering pig and you can go to hell and suck the damned. Clear enough?
14.) “I’m sorry but Americans are just assholes. How do we let outrageous things be pushed onto us such as micro chips injected into our arms so that we can be tracked, and people are submitting to it and proud to do so on national TV. What is wrong with people? How can they fall for this?”
15.) “Think about it, what could the government do if we all just decided not to file our next income tax return. I have not filed one for the past two years. It’s unconstitutional and I’m tired of breaking the law.”
16.) “Few people know that Joseph Kennedy all but formally disowned his sons at a family gathering, for their political views and because they came out publicly against secret elitist societies. Well, they sure did get a spanking, didn’t they?”
17.) “Q. What is the fastest way to get a million dollars?
A. Start with two million, pay taxes due and live off the rest for a year.”
18.))“I am an atheist who happens to believe in God.”
19.) “Once I was watching a survival show and they said, if you’re stranded in the wild and discover you have foot fungus, you should pee on your feet. I thought, But I’m not that long. Oh yeah…gravity.”
20.) "Here’s a comforting thought: I just read a statistic that claims 83.7% of all Multi-millionaires and billionaires live on or near the coast. That would naturally include the infamous “Illuninati” so I say bring on the Tsunamis."
21.) "I’m going to piss off a bunch of people here, but hey…that’s my job. So many times when I’ve been in debates with the biblically devout I am buffeted with the argument that, “It says so right in the bible”. Don’t they realize that to me that is tantamount to saying that vampires can turn into bats because, ‘Hey, it says so right in Dracula’?"
22.) “Oh Boy! I get the commandments mixed up all the time. I grew up trying not to covet my mother and my father, but I can honestly say that I never stole a sabbath.”
22.) “Last week someone asked me what I thought was the single-most important medical breakthrough ever. I’ve never been asked that before so I had to think for a while. Finally it came to me…ANESTHESIA.”
23.) “I prefer to the dangers associated with anarchy to the dangers associated with tyranny”.
24.) “It is crucial to remember that anarchy is NOT synonymous with chaos”.
25.) “One generally thinks that awakenings are comfortable experiences in which our epiphany comes with answers and and/or solutions. Political awakening comes with no such comfort and peace of mind. Quite the contrary. It is like a punch in the solar plexus because you suddenly realize that there is no protection, no safe zone and you experience the winter chill of isolation because even your brothers and comrades that share your fate, refuse to believe it and have turned against you and question your sanity. Is it any wonder conspiracy theorists come together for solidarity? The truth is a burden.”
26.) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. TEACH a man to fish and he will come home smelling like pussy for the rest of his life.
27.) “The only thing worse than an asshole is a militant asshole.”
28.) “LUCK: What a strange thing is luck? It’s unquantifiable and pertains as much to a person winning a lottery worth millions as it does to someone who dies before experiencing such indignities of age as spending the majority of their time lying in their own waste. Yet, luck is recognized by everyone.”
29.) “If only 1/2 of the people in the world were only 50% smarter than the stupidest people in the world, it probably wouldn’t make any difference and we’d still have beer.”
30.) “Pedophiles are by the definition of their label, MONSTERS. They perpetrate crimes based upon urges normal humans don’t HAVE let alone act upon.”
31.) "Penises are like TVs. If you sit right on top of them, they seem bigger.’
32.) “Political solidarity is strange in that, it often sees us climbing into bed with characters we otherwise wouldn’t share a park bench with.”
33.) “I disrtust government, I fear dolls and clowns, I love rock & roll, I condone religion, I hate auctioneers and I appreciate children…(with an appropriate wine.)”
34.) “Genius is just common sense with something to prove.”
35.) “Remember, the people telling you that there is no truth to the issue of UFOs are the same people that told you the bailouts made good financial sense.”
36.) “Some people call old love letters,‘memories’…some call them… ‘evidence’.”
37.) "A normal person might say, “I won’t eat shit”.
A politician would say, “I can state with unequivocal certainty and paramount conviction that the disagreeable prospect of feces entering my mouth is so preposterously remote as to be virtually nonexistent, rendering the happenstance of its occurrence a nonissue of which I am prepared to guarantee.”
38.) “Louse racing was a popular sport for the soldiers during the civil war. Apparently, in Washington, the tradition carries on.”
39.) “This whole “Drone” debacle hands me a laugh. We fly our latest cutting edge technology right into the open arms of the “enemy” and then we whine, ‘Mister, can we have our ball back’?”
40.) “Freedom ain’t necessarily free and…
Free ain’t necessarily freedom. But when the twain meet…
It’s a Free-for-all, baby.”
41.) “Hey, I found an old photograph of Jesus Christ. At first I wasn’t sure it was genuine, but then I noticed…he signed it.”
42.) “Republican or democrat. This government demands one or the other. The thing I find most abhorrent to reason is absolutes.”
43.) “There are many people who truly love war. It really is the main reason wars get fought. It has little to do with issues. The real impetus of war is that there are enough people in the world who feel that self worth is best expressed through the deaths and subjugation of others and all our debates and philosophies will never alter that fact. It certainly is not only Americans, but mankind in general. It is exemplified by the immortal words of general George Patton overlooking the carnage of battle; “I love it. God help me, but I do love it so”. That virtually defines insanity. It is the psyche of a monster and yet the man is revered and by some, almost deified. I am convinced that these people live vicariously through what they consider the righteous might of war and if we’re not off somewhere kicking someone’s ass they feel of no worth.”
44.) “I once had a gal…
Who I thought was my pal.
But she dumped me because of my roaming.
Now, the fact is…
I’m out of practice,
With a prostate the size of Wyoming.”
45.) "I will NEVER take the advice of someone who says, “If I can do it, anyone can do it.” The premise of this statement is that the person making it, considers themselves to be the most inept person in the world. Why would I listen to an individual with such low self esteem?"
46.) “I stopped by to see God tonight. I think he’s planning something biblical. He was darning his socks and damning the democrats.”
47.) “Here’s an interesting statistic. The IQ of any group of people is the IQ of the most intelligent person there divided by the number of people. So if you have a group of 12 people and two of them are Einstein and Stephen Hawking the IQ of the group, (a jury maybe?) would be around that of a rat. Is it any wonder our legal system is…imperfect? Now consider the election process. OYE!”
48.) “I’m thinking that most reporters go into their chosen profession with a passion for reporting honestly on current events. I wonder at what point they become such slaves to the money and position that they start allowing the check-signers to dictate what truth is. I’m sure the turning point is different for each of them but the sad truth is the ones that we see on TV are two things: physically attractive and compliant. Ironically there is another profession that flourishes under those criteria…WHORE.
49.) “IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCK SEED,
Remember…BLOW is just and expression!”
50.) “I’m retired and spend most of my days fighting for Ron Paul and against the injustices our govt. and the NWO is foisting upon us and I get SO frustrated by the sheep and lemmings who adopt the ideology, “My country right or wrong”. It is easier and safer for them to embrace a philosophy that precludes any action on their parts to take control of their fates so they conveniently put that responsibility in the hands of their masters and then bitch at us for trying to ruin it for them. They make me sick.”
51.) “Men and women were implanted, at some point in evolution, with the absurd notion that cohabitation is a good idea. I think this is proof positive that the Creator has a distinctly sarcastic, if not outright sadistic bent.”
52.) “I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel everyone talks about only to realize that I’d been eaten by Big Brother and was about to be shat out.”
53.)“I’m not ashamed to admit it; it was a woman that drove me to drink.
I don’t remember how I got home.”
54.) “A crew of guys just stole a truckload of tuxedos from some airport. Does that qualify as a white color crime?”
55.) “If someone is too stuffy to talk about masturbation, I’ll just walk away. If all they do is talk about it…I run.”
56.) “I clicked on the TV and Animal Planet was running a program about bedbug infestations. When they referred to them as blood-sucking parasites, I had to look twice to make sure I wasn’t watching CNN.”
57.) “The media loves it when famous people die, for the media alone have the power to deprive them of that death.”
58.) “ So many philosophers through the millennia have researched the “Meaning” of life. It’s no secret…it’s IRONY. Consider that even the most devout pacifist spends his whole life in a battle; that against DEATH. The irony? We all lose the battle.”
59.) “One needs only read the history of the Third Reich to know what tomorrow will bring to the United States.”
60.) “The most effective weapon in the armory of The Enemy of The People is…The People.”
61.) “If the ‘best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup’, perhaps you should swallow a handful of Seconal next time you hit the sheets.”
62.) "With the whole 9/11 conspiracy thing I’ve had the opportunity to speak to a couple of demolition experts. One specialized in hotels. I said, “Oh, you mean ‘Rock Star’.”
63.) “Wealth may not buy happiness because happiness must be found within. The irony is, you can buy all the misery you want with poverty.”
64.) “People keep telling me I need a good woman. Wrong. I…NEEDED a good woman. Now, every new woman I meet that’s my age is just another old woman. Who needs that?”
65.) “Who’s this Dolly the Llama I keep hearing about? What’s she, some kinda cartoon character or something?”
66.) "You’re standing on a corner waiting for a bus and minding your own business. Someone comes up and starts flailing you with a willow switch. Instead of doing anything to change it, you say to yourself, "I guess I could get used to this. “ That’s political apathy.”
67.) “DEATH PENALTY ELIGIBLE: What a ridiculous statement. Should I worry about not being ELIGIBLE if they run a background check?”
68.) “George Carlin said, “There’s really only two things you have to know about getting old; Never refuse a blowjob and never trust a fart.” This morning I was reminded about the fart.”
69.) “A horse farm in Texas castrates their horses by automation. Occasionally the arm on the automatic castrator breaks an requires metallurgic repairs. Only two employees are qualified to make the repairs; Ed Patterson, 33 and Weller Felder, 42. That makes Weller Felder the elder gelder welder.”
70.) “Years ago the FCC paved the way for everything from the Boy Scouts to Congress to claim that limiting your right to freedom of speech protected their right to freedom of religion. Now…that’s dangerous.”
71.) “On the subject of nipple and clitoral piercings:
Did it ever occur to some women, that some areas were meant to be soft and pliable? Not to mention, if your lover has braces, you’re just asking for trouble.”
72.) "In rehab they preached; “Look for the positive in everything.”
Okay. I slept fitfully amidst dreams that I’d been turned into a urinal.
The positive: At least I didn’t have to take any SHIT!
73.) "The Ghost Hunters…Oye! They walk around in total darkness and at least twice an episode, they see “dark shadows”. That’s kind of like bobbing for apples in boiling water and saying, ‘Holy shit! Something burned my face.’ "
74.) “Why is it, as soon as you die you become so much more interesting? Everybody wants to know all about you.”
75.) “So, everybody’s all like. “Oh this or that won’t work, I don’t know why I bother. My vote doesn’t count. Ron Paul’s unelectable…” I guess the negatives are restless, Bwana.”
76.)“Roald Dahl and the Brothers Grimm are high on my favorite authors list. There just something so cool about scaring the ever-loving shit out of little kids
when you get to see how much they love it.”
77.) “Does anyone remember the fable of The Emperor’s New Clothes? I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one that can see the BVD label AND the shit-stain.”
78.) "Given the choice between residing in a paid for trailer and a half paid for mansion, I’ll pick the trailer every time.
79.) “Our government has become such a harmful and untrustworthy social failure. Why couldn’t we have something more kind and workable like say…Lord of the Flies?”
80.) "Psssst! Whatever you do; don’t listen to or, even worse, believe that George Yesthal guy. He’s craaaaaazy!
81. ) “Senryu…Haiku. Hell, I’m a writer and I can’t understand why anyone would give a shit about these things. Seems like just a cheesy way to call yourself a poet to me.”
82.) “I’m going to start early, letting everybody know that for Christmas I only want three things. Coffee cans, cellophane and duct tape.”
83.) “We are ALL wrong. Faith is just a wish with attitude. Doesn’t matter what you believe, I guarantee you’re wrong to some degree.”
84.) “Why do so many of our tax dollars go to education? It’s not doing any good. If it was, we wouldn’t be wasting our money.”
85.)“When am I?
I know WHERE I am. I’m home
I know HOW I am. I’m well, than you very much.
I Know WHAT I am.
I’m many things all at once. I’m old. I’m fat. I’m obnoxious. I’m the lesbian lover of Lady Florentine DuBois. (You think not?…prove it.)
I even Know WHY I am. Because my daddy’s plumbing was in excellent working order.
But I’m having trouble figuring WHEN I am. Because as soon as I think I know…it changes to when I was and then I AM somewhen else and Im not then anymore. Oh my, but it’s all so confusing.”
86.) “The unfortunate truth is, you’re probably not cute enough to pull off ‘eccentric’.”
87.) “Being in a band is like polygamy set to music and almost always ends in D-I-V-O-R-C-E!”
88.)“Easter has always confused me a bit. I mean…could Jesus really lay colored eggs?”
89.)“It has always been my wild desire
To run through church with my hair on fire
With a pecker like a garden hose,
A bubble butt and a button nose.
Boy, then wouldn’t I be proud?
Shit! Did I say that out loud?”
90.) “I wish I had a nickel for every nickel I’ve wished I had.”
91.) “Semantics, sheesh! If you wear your underpants on your head, isn’t it a hat?”
92.) “I fell in love with a hooker but she broke my heart. I found out she was cheating on me.”
93.) “When a man is no bullshit and doesn’t have to remember what lies he’s told and he stands by his decisions and his record, you just cannot shoot him down no matter how hard you try.”
94.) “If, in some way, the U.S. government got notice months in advance, that they would be responsible for an impending national blackout, the democrats would start an immediate media spin about how much we would save on lightbulbs with this, their new GO GREEN project. Then the republicans would find a way to charge us for it.”
95.) “Justin Bieber doing a movie on the social impacts of bullying. That’s as odd as me writing an article extolling the redeeming social values of Mentos and Old Navy commercials.”
96. )“What should you say when people ask, ‘What, are ya tryin’ to be smart?’
Of course I’m trying to be smart. If I was trying to be stupid I’d be…stupid.”
97.) “Reincarnation: If you get to pick, I’m coming back as a monkey. Think about it; you can fling shit at anyone who displeases you and play with yourself in public and people just say, ‘well, he’s a monkey’. I once got sent to the principals office just for picking my nose.”
98.)“How many soldiers will not be coming home?
How many veterans HAVE no homes?
How did we let this happen to them?”
99.) “The G.I. Bill was a fine and just piece of legislature that was passed in time to do our soldiers some good.
In 1945 G. I. stood for Government Issue. What’s it stand for now? Get Indigent?”
100.) “I’d like to think I’ll survive long enough to utter GEORGEISM # 100…Oh shit! This is it. I meant 200.”
A collection of witticisms and philosophies and things that I think (mostly on the john). UPDATED PERIODICALLY.