Side Effects

“Ask your doctor if Flounce (megamicrosuckadickadoffilus) is right for you.”

We’ve all seen the shameless, blatant pitches on tv. The trend among pharmaceutical companies is to hawk their wares to a public so afflicted with a plethora of myriad anomalous and nondescript maladies to cull interest in their product by preying on our collective fears and malaise at taking our own physical well-being in hand and depending on the almighty pill, suppository, balm, ointment, drop, spray, gargle, injection, elixir, sublingual strip, etc.,etc..

Just as an example:

The average teenager is, at some point going to have skin problems that may cause them the occasional moment of embarrassment that, by the way, we all eventually learn to deal with. But the drug companies are right there to promise them hollow dreams of transformation into J.Lo and Justin Timberlake at a small price; the risk of…

RARELY OCCURRING SIDE EFFECTS including…

Dry mouth, dry skin, dry eyes, dry sense of humor, itchy skin, itchy eyes, itchy anus, lowered blood pressure, elevated blood pressure, depression (if thoughts of suicide persist, call your doctor immediately), torpor, lethargy, sweating, nosebleed, headache, shaking, nervousness, anxiety, hives, dizziness upon standing due to a sudden drop in blood pressure, seborrhea, psoriasis, gout, chafing, shingles, dandruff, runny nose, persistent cough, deafness, blindness, blurred vision, numbness, tingling, increased urination, decreased urination, increased chance of stroke, heart attack, heart palpitations, fainting, blood clot, diarrhea, constipation, incontinence, water retention, hemorrhoids, flatulence, decrease in semen, genital hypersensitivity, cancer, pneumonia, tinnitis, nausea, vomiting, pancreatitis, liver disease or hypersensitivity to heat, cold or pain, painful urination, painful bowel movement, painful erection and/or ejaculation and/or orgasm.
Women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant should not take or handle Flounce (megamicrosuckadickadoffilus) due to an increased risk of birth defects.
If you experience priapism, an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor immediately. (Hey if I have a hard-on that lasts that long, I’m calling a press conference.)
Do not take Flounce (megamicrosuckadickadofillus) while driving or operating machinery or until you know how Flounce (megamicrosuckadickadoffilus) effects you.

The list goes on and on. But my favorite, because it is the most bizarre and unsettling of all the symptoms is hands down, unequivocally, without a doubt…OILY ANAL DISCHARGE!!!

Holy shit, people! What ailment could suficiantly inspire such dread as to risk a side effect that would have us walking down the street happy as a clam one minute, and suddenly and without warning, the seat of our pants looks as if we sat in a plate of fried bacon?

But I guess all this is a small price to pay to keep us from the indignity of showing up at the prom with an embarrassing blemish.

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