Once upon a time in a little hamlet called Littlebigburg far off in the the country of Gernham there lived a terribly self-absorbed young fellow named Glootz. Glootz was overly proud of his heinie. Now, admittedly it was a fine heinie (as heinies go), but certainly no better than most. The fact is, most people would have described it as “just a tad too bulbous”
Glootz would not wear a wallet in his back pocket as all the other self respecting men and boys in Littlebigburg did. He felt that it took away from the splendor of his heinie. Instead, Glootz went about with his wallet perched on his head so that everyone walking toward him would stop and look and when he passed their eyes would be drawn right to his wondrous heinie.
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Glootz was very fond of sunny days, mostly because on such days he could dress up in his shortest short-shorts and parade his wonderful heinie for all the towns people to see and admire (he thought)
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Glootz would go down to the town square where he would do a little dance that involved strutting from side to side while pointing with both hands to his butt. Once in a while he would even kiss the palms of his hands and place them on his butt cheeks to show all the other poor, unfortunate souls just how wonderful his heinie was. Sometimes Glootz would sing a little song that went…
“Beauty-butt, beauty-butt
I can do my butt strut.
But you can’t…
Because your pants
Don’t show yours off like mine. Ha ha.”
But this day was a cold, drizzly and cloudy day and most of the people were indoors staying warm and dry. As far as Glootz was was concerned, these days were designed by demons to thwart his opportunity to show off his amazing heinie. Especially today. To his pleasant surprise, when he got a look at his heinie in the mirror this morning he discovered that it was looking considerably more rounded and bubbly than usual.
Glootz decided to visit the few friends he had and gloat about the his heinie’s improved condition.
First he stopped by Miller Gristgrinder’s mill. The miller and his family were working hard to cover the wagons of grain and get them into the barn before the grain got too wet.
“Hey Gus, (that was the miller’s first name) look at this”, said Glootz, pointing to his bloated heinie.
“What is it now, Glootz?” asked Gus.
“My heinie. Can’t you see how much more wonderful it is today?”
“Yes, wonderful.” said Gus as he and his family pushed the last wagon into the barn and closed the door leaving Glootz alone in the drizzling rain.
“Hrumph!” fumed Glootz. “This is not going at all as planned. That stupid miller wouldn’t know a great butt if it came running up and bit him”.
Feeling not the least bit deterred, he set off to Grocer Grimmly’s market, where his friend Pito worked. On the way, he caught sight of his reflection in the storefront windows. Was it possible that his heinie was getting even more large and round? He stopped to confirm what he saw. Why yes, it was true. He ran into the market where he found Pito busy stocking shelves with the the town’s people favorite items such as poop soup and booger burgers.”Pito”, cried Glootz. “look what is happening to my wonderful heinie. Isn’t it great?”
“Looks bigger”, said Pito.
“Yes. Isn’t it something/” asked Glootz furiously rubbing his butt cheeks.
Pito shook his head. “I don’t know. If I were you, I’d see a doctor. Now if you don’t mind, I am terribly busy and if the boss sees me wasting time talking about your butt I’ll get in trouble. Good day to you, Glootz.”
At that, Glootz left the store feeling a bit deflated. All, that is, except for his heinie, which he notice was now simply enormous. He decided since he wasn’t having much luck at showing off his heinie today and since it was a crummy day anyway, he would just go home and see what developed.
On the way he saw Heidi Hausfrau coming toward him, walking her dog, Manny. Glootz liked Heidi and if he had time for a girlfriend, she would be it.
“Heidi”, said Glootz, “Look at my butt. Isn’t it simply marvelous?”
Heidi didn’t care for Glootz at all. She thought he was conceited, or maybe retarded. She tried to get away, passing between Glootz and Widow Wormworthy’s picket fence, but Glootz blocked the way saying, “Wouldja like to touch it? I like you. You’re the only one I would let touch it.”
Heidi screamed and Manny bit Gloots right on his wonderful henie. At that moment Glootz’s beach ball sized butt exploded and sent him flying over the Widow Wormworthy’s house, clear over the town square (where there was still nobody to notice his heinie) and right into Piddler,s Pond (so called because sometimes people went there to pee) where he hit his head on the peeing angel fountain and drowned.
The moral to this story, boys and girls is: Don’t think to highly of your heinie or you might die in Piddler’s Pond.
The End
The Legend of Glootz and the Amazing Heinie
I have always wanted to write “blue humor” for children. I did a short stint teaching at a preschool. One of my duties there was to cook lunch. When asked by the kids, what was for lunch I would sometimes respond,”Poop soup and booger burgers”, which always brought fourth a round of raucous laughter. It occurred to me then, that kids have their own brand of blue humor. This is my attempt.
beast, 2 months ago
lol, a very quirky tale, tale indeed. I like it, its original and entertaining, ace :-)
George Yesthal, 2 months ago
Thanx, Ace. It would seem that my quirky humor is an aqired taste. I’m thinking that blue humor for kids is a concept not embraced by most, but I’m glad you liked it. Thanx again