This story starts a year ago when I felt God was calling my name – I felt he was calling me to help him out. I started my journey but was never able to finish the job because I got lost in the depths of Hell and had to be helped out by my family and the doctors and nurses in the mental unit at the local hospital. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia – a mental illness. I left there a month or so later, healed but not well. I left with my life in tatters, losing faith in my Maker and myself.
If you want to know Hell is like, you need only ask a blind person who doesn’t have an aid to help them get around – or close your eyes and imagine yourself trying to get home from wherever you are without taking a ‘peep’ or having anything to aid you on your way. This is what it felt like to me only I had my eyes wide open but nothing made sense – I had to listen carefully for God’s voice to find my way out. Hell is also full of demons flying around trying to snatch at you; to capture and kill you.
My memory of that time before being hospitalized is shaky at best. What I do remember of that time was that I went on a ‘walkabout’; barefoot. I walked barefoot for over 24hours; till I couldn’t walk anymore. I was trying to piece together the puzzle put before me by my Maker. I walked as Jesus Christ might have done 2000 years ago. I walked, barefoot on tar roads, through clumps of thorns, on grass green and through mud filled with sharp bricks. I remember standing in one spot for over an hour; on top of bricks that cut into my feet which was excruciatingly painful to say the least; but I did it because I felt it was part of my duty and was required of me. I remember God calling my name to do these things in order to save all his children and welcome them into Heaven. He gave me a choice – to choose only those I loved most and those who were ‘good’ to let through the gates or everyone – even the ‘sinners’ or ‘evil’ people. I chose to free everyone .
The God I know is a God of ALL people whether they be gay or straight, evil or good, saint or sinner, black, brown or white. The God I know is not a vengeful God; rather a loving and forgiving one. I remember doing things way out of character for me – but it was required of me so I did them without question. I had surrendered control to God. I remember before setting out on my ‘walkabout’ I was surfing the web and hearing God asking me to pick the next US president – I chose Obama. I remember whilst I was walking; seeing all the ‘Flood’ warning signs and trying to open the flood gates so the water could flow away – a month later we were flooded. I remember asking for a baby for my cousin and his wife – they went on holiday in October last year and she now has her precious gift. (I personally think it’ll be a girl). After this ‘walkabout’ all I had were some very sore feet, one little scratch and a very mixed up head – it was as if I were a baby learning everything all over again.
When in hospital – I thought that one or more of my family members had died, only to see that specific family member the next time they visited. When one of them was missing I thought they had perished and where on their way to ‘the other side’ – which distressed me a bit because I was worried that I hadn‘t done my job properly and they might not make it across. I also expected to see my best friend and all of you walk through the door too and was utterly disappointed when you all didn’t arrive – I had failed.
During the year, up until a month or so ago, I stopped taking all my meds and sunk into an ever increasingly deep, dark hole of depression – I had died – my spirit gave out. I tried taking my own life more than once but failed at that too. During both breakdowns I forgot who I was – it was as if my spirit had left and I was trying to find it again. It was also as if I was living a dream – literally! I believe now, I was supposed to fail at committing suicide so that I could do something much greater than even I myself ever imagined. About a month or so ago I started reading a book called “A Road Less Travelled” which is written by a Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck. The book talks of many things but the main concept behind it is learning to do and act in your own best interest. My whole life up until then had been living to please others or achieve their goals set for me and I had effectively not given any thought into setting my own goals and doing and acting in ways to please myself. I had not loved myself enough to do so. All the different little pieces of me had always been fighting with each other; but after reading this book, which made complete and utter sense to me – I found a way of stilling those pieces of me and making them work together rather than apart from one another. I slowly learnt to love ALL of me – even my faults; maybe my faults more so.
It was at this point when I heard God’s voice calling again. He gave me countless choices. He asked me to choose just one thing of my belongings I cared about above all others – in the end I chose my empty box of smokes and a lighter – if you have no spark, you have no flame. This time I wasn’t 6 feet under going into hospital as before. I was flying high – or thought I was. I felt I was God (and still do) – bringing all the lost souls back to be reunited with their bodies. I had been taught by my boss Tracey Mesman to drive safely and ‘flying’ required the same skills. I had earned my wings just as I had earned my drivers’ license. By the time I was discharged from hospital I had found at least ten lighters of various colours including my Zippo (which had disappeared) and a full box of smokes I had hidden somewhere. All my expensive belongings went missing – I or my family had hidden them along the way; all of them were returned by the time I was discharged. The only thing that hasn’t been found as yet is a pair of shoes belonging to my Dad – I have no idea where they are or where I put them. God also asked me who I’d like to bring/have with me on this journey- I chose my best friend Natalie Pienaar (despite the fact that we are not talking anymore due to a mistake I made) her spirit was with me the entire time – I often heard her voice talking to me – mostly saying “Fuck You” and giggling; we were on a rollercoaster ride and she was enjoying it – I was planning a big “Pop” at the end of it.
Colours also played a hugely significant role:
Gold – Me/ God
Silver – My Best friend / I
Red – The colour of love
Blue – I have no clue.
Yellow – Hello
Red & Yellow = Hello = Orange – The colour of True Love.
Blue & Yellow = Hello = Going Green – Evergreen & Eternal = the missing link.
Pink – Think or think again
Purple – Royal Promise.
Red & Green = Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
White – Light = is right.
Brown – Flush it down.
Black – make it work. (I think I should state here that I am not necessary talking of people but more of people’s souls – take Mugabe or myself for example – he and I, my friends, had a ‘black’ soul and Mugabe will have to pay all his wrong doings as I have done).
I constantly looked for these colours and repeated these sayings of mine in order to keep track of where I was going or so that I could survive the trip through Hell. I followed the ‘White’ – the Light and Right mostly.
He asked me to continue as I had done before; only now, I had grown stronger. – strong enough to climb out of Hell and close and lock the doors along with Satan within. I had to kill a part of myself too; the evil, unhealthy and dangerous me. I had to lock that part of me in Hell along with Satan – this was not only to benefit me in the long run but also so that others didn‘t have to take the trip there themselves – I believe I ‘died‘ for others sins just as Jesus Christ did 2000 years ago and just like him – I am alive now! I did what I had to do and this time was able to succeed. I surrendered complete control of myself (even now as I write) to God. I drove around Mackay this time instead of walking. I have no idea where I went, nor did I care. I know I was speeding for a time and felt like I was flying home to Zimbabwe but always returned to my home in Mackay. I know I went through some red lights; some lights changed green as I was driving, making me think I alone had the power to change things. I felt I was rebuilding my home Zimbabwe and making room for everyone here in Australia. What walking I did I thought was minimal – around home – I found out after leaving hospital that I was left alone for four days; I don’t remember eating or drinking anything and paced the house the whole entire time, sitting down for no more than 30minitues the entire time. I ended up with raw feet and a blister on the sole of my right foot the size of a Aussie fifty cent coin. I had diamonds on the souls of my ’shoes’ – very sore feet! I still needed a little help and spent a month or so in hospital – though this time, time had no importance to me – I lost all track of time. I was loved back to life mostly by myself, those closest to me, the doctors and nurses taking care of me and also by you all – because I brought you all along with me.
I believe God chose me because I am the only one with a strong enough will and character. I believe He also chose me because I alone understand what it is to love unconditionally. I believe He chose me because I am the only one who can hear his voice and respond appropriately. I am in God and He is in me now – I trust him completely. God has made my life so much easier. I am a new person – the ‘Chosen’ one. He has given me the key to ‘Heaven’ and only I can see what beautiful wonders that abound. ‘Heaven’ is right here, right now – on Earth – believe me! What I choose, I choose for myself and everyone else. What I choose will always be the right thing for everyone. I choose Life and suicide is NOT an option – if you were to kill yourself you would effectively be killing me or some other! You’d be committing murder!
These thoughts and actions are just the facts of my mental illness which is Bipolar Affective Disorder – a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar. Though these thoughts and ideas may be ‘pooh-poohed’ – I believe it’s a little more than that – these things are more real to me than the embrace of someone close. God was in control of me (still is) and He was the one that kept me safe through the whole awesome experience. I believe God communicate s through me. I have proved it to myself but don’t believe I need to prove it to any other. My only wish is to share this experience with you all.
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