Chris Dixon

Here I sit… in quiet contemplation.

Something truly profound has happened to me; I know not what! No matter how much I want to or try to understand or explain this ‘thing’; I cannot. This ‘thing’, whatever it is, has over the last couple of months, grown from within me and has now spread out… enveloping me in its’ warm glow. It has given me a gift so rare, delicate and beautiful. I cannot say for sure, what this ‘thing’ is because it is so great… it can never be understood or explained to the degree in which it should. It can only be felt!

Here I sit… in quiet contemplation. In awe. Breathing slowly, deeply… in and out, out and in. Listening to this silence that surrounds me with waves of peaceful tranquillity washing over me; embracing and comforting me. Waves which gently rock me; lulling me into a kind of rest the likes of which I have never known. I feel as though I have been lifted up high and now float. I am awake living a dream. I feel the way I do when I dream of flying. I feel as if I’m drifting away as a feather would on a cool, gentle summer breeze. Here I sit, feeling something unknown and indescribable take a hold of me. Feeling nothing and everything all in the same moment. Feeling comfortably numb. Relishing it. Revelling in this quiet, restful silence. This sense of complete and utter peace. Tranquil harmony.

Time passes by ever so slowly, it feels as if it stands still; waiting, waiting for something and too for nothing. Time doesn’t matter. It is not important. It passes by without me even knowing it. It is hours, since first, I started writing this. Maybe it has been weeks, months, maybe even years? I do not know… nor do I care. I am content with the ‘here and now’… living in this one little moment in time. I cannot call this thing ‘love’ because it is something far greater; above and beyond that. Love is such a puny, inadequate word to use when trying to describe this feeling. I do not know why I am sitting here… writing this? It makes no sense to me and yet all in the same breath, I say it does. How can this be? How can I feel this? What is it, this ‘thing’ that has taken such a firm, warm grasp of me? Why now? Why do I sit here… in quiet contemplation, writing these things… filling this space with these somewhat nonsensical thoughts? Why do I ask questions, for which, I need no answers? It does not matter because I sit here… with this peaceful quiet enfolding and gently rocking me. For the first time in my life I feel no anger, resentment, disappointment, rejection, hurt or pain… I am ‘empty’ of all those things. I feel only this ‘thing’. It is liberating!

Here I sit, alone, in this semi-conscience state, with the words of the songs I listen to running through my head, not really hearing them. I sit here crying. Shedding tears of neither joy nor of pain. Shedding tears, for reasons I can’t explain. I will never stop; not because I can’t but because I don’t want to! I feel so ‘full’, so ‘alive’. Maybe this is why I cry? I cry because I feel something I have only ever imagined. Something far greater than I could have ever imagined has, after all this time has passed, filled ‘my vase’ till it spilleth over in a never-ending stream! For the first time in my life … I feel I am whole. I am free. I need not continue searching because I have found all I have ever been looking for… I have found me! This feeling is one that I want to stay with me for all eternity!

I was rushing, when you rushed in.
You made me stop for just a second;
Take a deep breath in.
You made me look about me,
And too… within.
You helped open my eyes,
You made me see me,
In all my glorious, rare, somewhat ‘cracked’ beauty!
You made me see all I can be!
I sit here, feeling, crying unashamedly.
Because of you and this beautiful gift you have given me.

I sit here… Breathing slowly, deeply… in and out, out and in. Living in this moment of tranquil harmony. Comfortably numb. At Peace. Finally free.