Despite the fact that recently life had been like washing your face with a cheese grater Chiara decided to go out with her nearest and dearest to celebrate her birthday, the bar had great food and better cocktails, their table the loudest in the entire place, typical; it was full of women venting and laughing. The place was full and Chiara took the opportunity to gaze upon the unsuspecting males within her vicinity…not a lot of options nothing fantasy worthy. On the way home ‘IMT’ reentered her mind, not much lust more who, what, where, when and how was he living his life? She enjoyed this titillation and her lips curled into a most wicked bow. Perhaps there was one who was fantasy worthy, but she already knew that.
The night was over before it began, the ladies were all too practical to stay out past 2.00am what with everyone working 6 days a week or at least taking assignments home to complete over the weekend and then there was the few with young children to get up to, soccer games, dance class the list went on.
Creeping in the door at 1.30am Chi’ was glad this meant she would still have a decent sleep before the kids started bouncing on her bed. Stepping out of her heels to avoid the clunking on the floor her stockinged feet padded towards the kitchen.
Cup of tea before bed…mmm.
_“Are you right?!…Thought you were going out for dinner, where the fuck have you been?Everyfuckin’ time I let you go out you do this! Who were you with???” _His face was bristling with aggravation, judging from the overflowing ashtray he had been sitting there for almost the whole pack. Stubbing out another his lip snarling as the smoke blew lopsidedly from the left side of his mouth he shook his head is disgust. Her mind ground to a complete halt and shifted into disbelief. After all these years he still insists on doing this, I was with everyone he knows, what could I possibly be up too? She was not at all surprised by his homecoming but it didn’t lessen the feeling of despair. Years ago she would have fought to convince him there was no cause for his alarm and that he had no right to condemn her – yaddah – yaddah. Bigger and stronger and more fierce he always won hands down. Occasionally he would lunge at her taking her fragile neck in his large hand and squeeze. It would last just long enough to let her know he could snap it if he felt fit. Chiara went to bed with vague recollections of a documentary she had watched years ago stating that while women can do most things men can do – if not more, men have more muscle mass and it is much stronger than female muscle mass. Using logic to block sometimes helped keep the madness at bay.
The following morning Chi’ was confronted with her life again, auto pilot working well. After rising at 7.30am to her boisterous boys she got on with the business of the household. By 11.00am whilst standing at the sink it hit again the WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? Feeling. It shook her to the core, gasping for air she stifled the sobs she could feel heaving upwards and onwards, dangerously close to escaping, she had to avert the full blown melt down and take affirmative action now. Closing her eyes, fists clenched, she could feel it burn inside her, it scorched and the seconds went on forever. ‘Mum I’m thirsty’, ‘Me too!’ Big and little chimed in chorus.
That night Chiara concluded she had now entered the Limbo Zone where you simply don’t go anywhere – not even sideways. There wasn’t even room in Limbo Zone to feel let alone vent.
Three weeks after Limbo Zone had started to close in on her. Everyday included more insults, less tolerance, more anger than ever and the cracks were beginning to show, even private time didn’t help anymore. The strange thing about their relationship was that neither one of them were interested in holding back the traditional sex pawn badgered around in most marriages, they were too honest with themselves and each other to deny themselves the visceral nature of their exchanges. Chiara mused on this point as it often bewildered her. She decided married sex was like knowing the head chief at your favorite restaurant; you get what you want, how you want it, when you want it and if it isn’t on the menu all you have to do is ask.
And let’s face it we all have to eat.
David had been particularly swamped with work of late and this meant early starts and late finishes. Home long enough to eat shower and shave, then he was out the door till long after Chi’ was in bed. She had given up waiting for him years ago, you can’t go to bed at 2.00am and be sunshine and happiness for the kids the next day – it just didn’t work. Every night lately Chiara had tried to be constructive to abate the short circuit that was occurring within her with increasingly regular intervals. Monday night hen the children ere asleep she indulged in a little self pampering, TV and a general wind down. Tuesday night she worked hard and achieved quite a bit. By Wednesday with loneliness setting in she was begging to feel less inspired. So here she was at mid week, restless and feeling physically stirred by the emotion churning inside her, she decided to clear – if not her mind then the physical things around her. This helped it was productive and you could do it while head fucked and it gave an inkling of self control. She went through every drawer in the boys rooms aware of the feeling this created; time was passing. With each child’s drawer having the smaller garments dispensed into charity bags to make room for the bigger ones. A new cycle begins, a few more toys out grown, a few centimeters taller. Time and her children’s lives were moving along; sizes, seasons, birthdays, Christmases time and years.
Her options were very limited, limited by so many factors; she had gone over it so many times she daren’t torture herself anymore. This job had always saddened her in the past, now it was executed with gratitude and humility; she was truly blesses to move through these times – these her children’s childhood years – these were precious times symbolic of so much more than it all seemed. Chiara often thought deeply about her daily chores in life knowing too well there would be a time when she wished she still had small children to fasten seat belts over, with shiny hair to comb and small faces to kiss and little bodies to tuck into their beds at night time.
Life moves by so fast…
She decided to go to bed.