Two more days until my birthday – Ugh!
The children dropped off to their designated destination on time…better morning than yesterdays fall. The thought of being alone in the house was a challenge.
Coffee – I’ll go for a coffee…alone, four more points for going it alone!
Walking from the car she shook her head in self loathing and disgust.
Fancy having to get psyched to go for a measly cup of coffee.
She berated her self even whilst she took her seat. So what if I am not perfect, what if I am human, flawed, real!?
A chorus of Hello’s greeted her; beaming her grin to the staff, they were always happy to see her. You could always rely on her for a morale boost, and if you needed to talk, she was one of the best. Compassionate by nature Chiara could be mistaken for a soft touch but she was more than that, she encompassed a philosophy that never judged, she was warm and never indulged in malicious gossip. A secret told to Chiara was an investment in trust. Chiara often found herself the receptacle for a mind boggling array of very private information. Chiara had a secret today she hid well…she hated everything she had become; she had grown complacent and stopped being an active participant in her own life. She had no one to tell.
Chiara asked after all the staff and took good time to follow up on significant events happening in their life; she only wished she had a friend like herself.
Back handed ego…how ironic she thought, it made her smile like a fool.
Sidling up to her coffee and magazine she felt the warn September sun fall across her shoulders, two articles and a half a cup of coffee later, who should walk in but ‘I’m not trying’.
Shit if he looks at me he’ll know I’m spending far too much time thinking about him, my loneliness probably emanates from me like a light house, shit, shit, shit! With ears pricked up the only information she could decipher was that he worked for himself and went swimming. Married, kids, age, sexual, preference? What a nightmare! Doing her best to reengage her interest in the mag’ Chiara tried to yet again focus..’Best and Worst Dressed at the Logies’ that will do fine. I’m Not Trying was leaving now, one last look, must check his hands, hands can be very telling. I’m not trying stood behind her and smelt like sex on legs. Suddenly Chiara was ‘nipples a plenty’. When he left he turned to smile at her, she was getting up to leave at the same time and responded with a nod of recognition. You twit…Nod! Why couldn’t I just smile back! She was furious with herself, furious for feeling so desperate and angry at all the things she’d allowed herself to feel. I’m going home for a run!
Her reawakened need to exercise had been kick started three weeks ago by her new fuel – Anger! It was if she felt she would self combust, her energy surged. It was fury, frustration and bitter regret. It was like a See Saw of rushing adrenaline and physical exhaustion. Once she had come down off the peak she was spent.
Today’s self loathing had provided her with just enough energy for her skin to seethe with heat and her teeth to grind, by the time she reached home her head ached and she barely had the energy to crawl through the day. The evenings were all endured using the auto pilot system she had installed once the children were born. It was the time spent alone in the evening that was the hardest, David always had an errand to run, somewhere to go, someone he had to see. She stopped complaining about these three years ago, the previous years of quizzing, asking, yelling, pleading and crying had not helped her one iota. Some men she thought…were token fathers making token gestures at irregular intervals. Irregular enough to keep the kids chomping at the bit to get a little bit more of the man they longed to see. Even when at home he was locked in his study examining his latest TV, not to be disturbed. Why come home at all? She thought. Chiara did not get married to become a single parent an now she was precisely that within the realm of her so called marriage.
A new phase has began.