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Journal

Cranky Old Man

• When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

Puns for Educated Minds

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from
too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arro…

Father Flaherty.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’

They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Fat…

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
’’What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ’What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The Aussie s…

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL..
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW,
THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY’D
GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA…

SO IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
“I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY … THERE ARE ONLY
100 NUNS LIVING THERE..”

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
“I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA … THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS
LIVING THERE…”

THE THIRD GUY SAID, “I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND … THERE
ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE…”

JUST THEN THE ONE NUN TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE
MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

“WHY DON’T YOU GO TO HELL ..
THERE AREN’T ANY NUNS THERE…

5 Minute Management Course

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson: 1
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg…
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand.But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again aid, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you…

Going "green" - in the old days

Going “green” – in the old days

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for theenvironment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.” The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment f or future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they …

Chinese Hotel Hospitality

Chinese Hotel Hospitality

China have been trying to push international tourism to greater heights. The government has asked all hotels, tourist guides and restaurants to provide all best possible services and proper guidance
to tourists in English. The hotels have surely adopted an aggressive approach to attracting and guiding tourists; Example:

Welcome letter:

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The hotel bus runs along the lake and you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know the hotel is near, because you will go
round the bend. As you come into the hotel, our beautiful manager will offer welcome drinks and then have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:

This is a family hotel, so adultery and children are welcome. Nurses are available in…

the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

• A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

• “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

• “Thank you for sendin…