Rewrite for Critique....... please :)
I wrote Can a friend be a lover, like a lover can be a friend last year….. I am reviewing some of my original work and would appreciate your opinions, honest and constructive please, on the re-write of this piece of work……. I have reformated the writing and made some changes…. your views and opinions would be greatly appreciated….. many thanks for your time… wigs
It pains me at times
that I have deliberated
over whether a friend can be a lover
I’ve had lovers who were friends
but we were lovers
at first….
then a moment arises
and the need for a lover
becomes a thirst
Is it fair?
that you demand more your friend
from the picture you drew?
sadness and loneliness
so that they offer
more to you of themselves
if you accept their offer
can you turn back the clock
as mistakes may slip
for after a friend becomes a lover
your knowledge of each other
is more intimate
flicking an emotional switch
so that you no longer react as of late
your friend has gone
your lover is here
things now become more intricate
when a relationship ends
it invariably sours
communication is broken
you have lost your friend
However…..
to further the debate
if your friend
is your soul mate
then as your lover
is it not deliberated
that your soul mate
can be your lover
they know the inner you
not the intimate first
they can read you
know your thoughts
understand you at best
So how do we distinguish
between who is a friend
a lover and
who is a soul mate?
can they be defined
or do we combine and manipulate
how do we know
if a friend can be a lover
as a lover can be a friend?
Or do we confuse the two…..
Comments
No writing expert myself, however I will say that I like this format. Nice bite size pieces to get your head around before moving on. Makes the rhythm easier to follow for me. ;o)
thank you for your time Akkra, its much appreciate along with your comments…. this is my most read piece on RB by a few hundred, but when i read it the other day i just felt some changes were needed…. i agree with you re the format…. it does tend to flow better, thank you again x
– wigs
A woman of so many questions H, This style works well. I like it.
Can a friend be an opportunity missed or is a friend only a lover denied?
thanks Tom I appreciate your feedback….. and you comment made me smile :)
– wigs
It can be ONE…but not at all point of time…coz..even we also don’t remain the same every moment..so the blend is to create to feel at all time…without looking into distinction of layers..of friend…lover…or soulmate…
To me…it is more to see the blend as a fragrance of softness..which keeps fresh…fresh…fresh.without attaching any distinction..once we grow one after other as Friend..lover…soulmate…if we can feel…let us try…
thanks Sure for your comment re the writing, much appreciated, but what do you think about the way I have re written this piece?
– wigs
we confuse the two
thanks Dave
– wigs