To Our Head of Research and Development:
You may be curious to find my transpondence in this format, namely the symbolic use of markings that the humans call the ‘alphabet’ in order to replicate phonetics within their brain and transfer understanding of matters ranging from social diseases such as ‘celebrities’ and ‘the Gosselins’ to matters of smaller relevance such as the experimentation on atomic behavior (incidentally, the best experiments amount to humans slinging protons and anti-protons at one another, which I’m sure our own Society for the Prevention of Abuse to Atoms will find abysmal and secure their vote for the destruction of Earth). Though you are not initially familiar with the so-called languages of these bipedal primates, I have no doubt that it will take you at most one or two cycles to decipher this simple code. I remember your joy at decoding the Sixth Nebula’s harmonic frequencies and hope that this brings a little chuckle to you. (Incidentally, a chuckle is a human response to ‘jokes’. Jokes are a form of procrastination for humans in order to keep their minds off how ridiculously small and unimportant they are.)
My report can be easily summed up as follows: humans possess no threat to us or our plans for the synchronization of the Galaxy’s dark matter tsens (this is the closest phonetic match to our own method of classification). Though they may regret the destruction of their home world, their sentience is not of a high enough level to merit their protection under the Quantum Sentience Act. I leave destruction or preservation of Earth up to the Board’s Wisdom.
My conclusion stems from the simple fact that humans cannot possess a threat to any known sentient being within this Galaxy as they are too busy waging war and engaging in destructive behaviors with one another. Yes, Glorious Head, humans actually harm one another, sometimes even resulting in the extermination of their temporal sequence!
You may not believe this. I myself did not at first. I first concluded that this bizarre behavior must be some sort of natural metamorphism or chrysalis effect on their spatial-temporal Selves, but further investigation revealed that this was not the case. No, humans legitimately disrupt one another’s temporal sequence, what they call ‘life’, for nothing more than the flip of a coin, or a product of random chance!
Glorious Head, vehn? I would think so. What evolution created such insane tendencies such as these? I found the answer soon enough…it lies in the reproductive cycle of humans. Of the seventeen know methods for replication of mayu, this method seems to have fallen through the cracks of our investigations, as the humans would say. Prepare yourself, Head.
My first introduction into the human reproductive cycle occurred when two of my ‘neighbors’ (a human term for humans that intrude upon your spatial and temporal existence) brought me a sacrifice of heated animal parts and vegetable matter, what is called a ‘casserole’, in order to appease me to not intrude on their own spatial and temporal existence (somewhat ironically). I was alarmed to find that one of the human’s midsection was swollen to a size at least ten times that of the normal human midsection, if not more! I was able to mask my concern, but they did notice me staring and informed me with apparent happiness (a human emotional condition, indistinguishable from other such conditions called anger, sadness, grief, horny, among others…humans never tire of composing new words for things that already have perfectly good words to classify them to begin with) that they were ‘with child’. I knew from previous investigation that a ‘child’ is an immature human; so I politely asked where the so-called child was if he was indeed with them, for I did not see him with my own human eyes. I assumed that he was hiding for fear that I would eat him, a fear that drives most humans actions. They chuckled (see previous explanation) and the smaller human patted its midsection and said, “Right here.”
I was perplexed. Had she eaten the child? Perhaps she was derived of nutrients and had to resort to eating her child? But no, Head, this was not the case. After they had left back to their own hollow cuboid (called a ‘house’) I researched human reproduction on what is called ‘the Internet’, the peak of human technological advancement, which as you may suspect isn’t that high of one.
Humans reproduce by combining their DNA, the basic unit of mayu within them, resulting in a new being. Fine, so far. What is disturbing is where this new entity resides. Called, a ‘fetus’, it lives within its mother, and uses her body to sustain itself and develop biologically.
Yes, Head, humans are an entire race of parasites, taking from one another in order to survive. Suddenly, human behavior becomes much easier to understand.
Consider the human fetus. It lives within the mother’s ‘womb’ and absorbs nutrients, sometimes forcing the mother into inexplicable behavior in order to satisfy its demands. The human mother’s skin is deformed as it stretches to accommodate this new human. And once the human has taken grown too large for its keep, it exits her body forcibly through the ‘vagina’. A few hundred cycles ago, before human medicine had ‘advanced’ to the current point, it was not uncommon for this to result in the death of the mother.
Yes, there is nothing the human will not do in order to be ‘born’. It does this instinctively; taking whatever is given for it to survive. This lasts well into the mature phase of a human. Even as an immature human, the new ‘child’ will take an exorbitant amount of time and energy from the humans who provided it with chromosomes.
Humans continue to take and take from one another, seemingly without realizing it. Thus you see my conclusion that humans are only at the very most a Class 2 sentient being. Certainly not worth protecting.
Eventually, humans join things called ‘social circles’ and/or ‘work’ where they try to take time, energy, corporeal units of value, and unembodied units of value (i.e. ‘feelings’) from one another. Whoever takes the most wins. Finally, the humans enter something called a relationship where they spend the remainder of their temporal sequences engaged in a two-way battle to see who can they take the most from one another, finally resulting in a new parasite entering the planet Earth. If this is not disturbing enough, humans often have more than one parasite per coupling!
In conclusion, Head, Earth is not of immediate concern. If the Board wishes to take a recess of ten thousand cycles or more I doubt that humans will advance enough to pose a threat to harmonization. I hope this report finds you in excellent health (a human saying) and that you enjoyed decoding the message. I look forward to your response and subsequent permission to let me leave this hellhole.