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Bear and the Three Goldilocks.

Once upon a time there lived three girls. The girls went by the name of Goldilocks. There was Bertha, who was the largest in height and width. Bianca, who was a foot shorter but considered herself the most stylish, Then finally there was Bella, a petite and quiet girl who preferred to be seen and not heard.

They lived in a cottage deep in the greenest of forests. They spent their days in the cottage playing various games and of course shopping on line. They bought all manner of things from their computer, which was air dropped regularly just out front of the cottage.

They were a loud and intrusive threesome in the forest. Not just because of the air drops, but also because of the total lack of respect they had for all the creatures that lived there. They littered everywhere and played their games much too loud. It got so bad that many of the animals left the forest in search of a Goldilocksless home.

It was on this special day that Bertha became obsessed with strange new form of exercise. It was called walking and she was amazed to read that it helped people become better people.

“That’s for me!” she announced to her sisters. “And for you!” She ordered.

The two seemed a bit put off as they were heavily engrossed in a game of Snap. They looked at each other and realized there was no point arguing with Bertha. Bertha was already at the door in what seemed to be a red jumpsuit of some kind. It pinched her belly and squeezed her rather large thighs.

Bianca got up and picked out a lovely pair of heels and a gown made from the finest linen. If she was doing this new fad, she would do it in style. Bella just moved over to Bertha and stared up at her with big doe eyes.

“Yes you have to,” bertha replied to the stare. “Dinner is cooling in the kitchen, so when we get back we will able to eat.”

They all left the cottage and began to experience the joy and agony of walking. It wasn’t long before the heavy breathing of Bertha could be heard all over the forest. It was a frightening sound and most of the remaining animals hid deep in their own homes.

Most except for one. Meandering out of the under brush came a small bear. Its fur was a lovely fluffy brown. Its eyes bright and cheerful. It made its way to the cottage, smelling the wonderful scent of food. The bear knocked on the door which broke down almost immediately. Brown bears, whether large or small, were quite strong indeed.

He moved into the cottage and immediately noticed the mess. Boxes empty and full were everywhere. Electronics, clothes, shoes, groceries, all lined and piled willy-nilly. He wanted to clean the place up a bit, but the food called his name. He quickly made his way to the kitchen where Royal Dalton china bowls were sitting on a rather expensive oak table.

The box beside the largest bowl was spouting the yummy nutrition that was held in the organic porridge.

“Colon Cleanser…Not only is it full of fiber, but it was recommended by 4 out of 5 proctologists.”

The bear had no idea what a proctologist was so he sampled the contents of the large bowl. It was much too hot. The second was much too cold. The third was just right and the bear gobbled it up as fast as his mouth could eat.

A few minutes later the bear felt a strange rumbling from his stomach and a bit of pain in his gut. He rushed to what he hoped was a bathroom. Luckily he chose the right door and was face to face with 3 toilets.

The first was massive and had a large gold seat. The bear knew instinctively that he would slip into the cold water if he even attempted to use it. The second was the right size but had a cushiony seat that felt too strange to actually use. The third was small, but perfect for a brown bear. The bear sat down to relieve himself.

When he was done he flushed and began to leave until he heard water dripping on the floor. He had accidentally plugged the small bowl. He made a mental note never to eat cereal recommended by proctologists again.

After all that the brown bear felt sleepy. He wandered up the stairs to the large loft bedroom. The first thing he noticed was the three large beds. The first one was a huge king size water bed. The bear thought better of sleep on it, given his large and pointy claws.

The second was some sort of 4 poster bed that had been draped in pink and lilac silks and sheers. The brown bear thought it was way too girly for such a burley bear.

The last was a singe bed with a comforter and adjustment controls that ensured a comfortable sleep. He stretched out quickly setting the controls to slightly raise his back paws for proper back support. Within moments he was asleep.

The three Goldilocks were returning from their walk. Bianca and Bella were supporting Bertha who had found the entire experience dangerous to her health. She could hardly breathe from the exertion of moving one leg in front of the other. When they saw the door the three of them looked puzzled.

“Who broke the door?” Asked Bertha with a scowl. In honesty this had happened before, many times. The goldilocks were not known for being dainty.

The entered the cottage and made their way to the kitchen. Each of them went to their expensive bowls and stared at their meals.

“Someone has been eating my Colon Cleanser!” Said Bertha.

“Mine too!” Said Bianca.

“Someone tried mine and God help them…they ate it all.” Bella said wondering what that much Colon Cleanser could do to the human body.

The three looked at the empty bowl, and then they turned to the washroom. They moved quickly and quietly to the door. As they opened it they saw the three toilets.

“No one on mine,” said Bertha.

“No one on mine either,” said Bianca.

“No one on mine but by the looks of it there was…anyone have a plunger and a can of air freshener?”

As Bella fixed her toilet the other two sisters stared around the cottage. Everything else seemed to be in order. When Bella finally joined them they all stared at the stairs that led to the loft. They moved together up the stairs.

“No one in my water bed,” said Bertha.

“No one in my divinely decadent Marshone designer bed,” Said Bianca.

“Well there is someone on my bed and they appear to be as big as Bertha!”

The lump under the comforter was large. Even small brown bears were huge compared to most. Bertha poked the comforter and it moved. She poked it harder and heard a growl. Finally she pushed the lump hard and the bear woke up and pulled down the comforter.

Bertha screamed. Bianca screamed. Even Bella screamed, but more because of the other two, not so much because of the bear.

The bear growled loudly because he was startled. The Goldilocks ran for the stairs. They pushed each other all the way down and kept screaming as they ran from the cottage. They kept going and before long the forest was free from them.

The bear became a local celebrity and was voted into office the very next election for forest Mayor. He still lives in that cottage, but it has since been cleaned and aired out.

The goldilocks never came back, but did send a truck for a lot of their possessions. Some say they moved to Florida and are running their very own orange juice and crocodile feeding station…but those are just rumors.

Bear and the Three Goldilocks.

Paul Rees-Jones

Toronto, Canada

  • Artist
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Artist's Description

Okay I am sorry to all those that this might offend….just kinda happened…totally for fun…nothing too offensive.
: { )}

Artwork Comments

  • hahpistuff
  • Jen Wahl
  • Paul Rees-Jones
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