The daylight faded into grey, stepping back into the house, its quietness disturbs.
I check the phone, that it still works, connected. Un-like me, to, you. It rained that evening, i told you not to go, listening to me, was never your forte. If only, if only. Tell me, it’ll all be fine, tell me, i’ll be fine, without you here to drive and guide me. No, I never saw you as my mother, nothing is further from the truth, you are, were, my definitive lover. Who stole my breath away, from the sheer presence of you, who had me on my knees, everyday.
Sitting, in your favourite easy chair, I kiss its leather, smells and tastes of the perfume, that was you. A smell I shall, forever be haunted by..And I swear, the first woman that i meet, that smells of it, I will ask to marry me, like, I should have asked you, so, so very long ago. When, we were just kids, kissing and hugging , on that ole sofa we had from your Aunt Maud. We had nothing, but we really had it all…
Standing at the kettle, I’ve done it again, made the tea for two. I never waste it, you’d hate that. No, I drink my own, then, try so very hard to drink yours, but it is so hard to do, with a lump the size of an orange, wedged in your throat. One day, I’ll stop putting marmalade, on the toast, just the way you like it. As I am sure, I’ll never grow to love it. Not like the way, my love for you, grew and grew, by every passing minute, of the first time I ever met you. You smiled, so polite, from under your lashes, you looked up at me and I fell in love, right there, right then….
Now, to spite you, to hurt you, for leaving me alone like this, for breaking my heart, like you always threatened to do. I am going to seek, someone, someone, who is nothing like you, not your silly laugh, not your, cheeky smile. Someone, who, does not possess the ability, to make me love them with every movement their body makes, or, from every word that they speak into my ear….
Yes, yes, this is my master plan, to be rid of you, make you suffer the loss of me, my every single thought, my every single breath. You, really, really, don’t deserve any of it. I will go forward, learn to love, another day, in my own way, on my own own terms……Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer.