In the very beginning there was nothing. Nothing moved. Nothing stirred. There was eternal peace everlasting, and it was very, very boring.
Until, one day, something sneezed…and the force of that gargantuan blast was enough to explode through the fabric of everlasting peace, and did propel giant hot rocks of stellar snot forever outwards into the expanding infinities.
And a voice said, “Bless you.”
And the being that sneezed replied, “Who said that? I can’t see a bloody thing, a little bit of light would not go amiss!”
And there was light.
The being that sneezed seemed happy, “Good, that’s a start.”
And the voice, which turned out to belong to a fat ginger cat said, “Don’t tell me, this is your first day, right?”
So it came to pass that the fat ginger cat spent most of the next morning showing the new god the ropes, yet familiarising it with everything’s name was difficult, for it kept asking difficult questions.
“How does everything have a name if I only sneezed it yesterday?”
“24 hours is a long time in the quantum world, things move faster down here, it’s all about the fine tuning.”
“I will never get my head around this.” The new god became exasperated. “I have already forgotten what those bumpy things were called.”
“You mean mountains?”
“Can’t I name things? After all, I made them.”
“Strictly speaking they made themselves, you just gave them the push start they needed. You could re-name everything, but first you would have to un-name everything, and start from scratch. That could take a real long time. Alternatively, you could let nature take its course and learn as you go. Your choice.”
“I think I will do that.”
The new god was taking a stroll, when a being hollered at it from below. “Excuse me, are you a holy being?” The god looked down to see a duck, drifting at its feet suspended on a rubber ring.
The new god scratched its mighty head. “Er, I don’t have any holes in me if that is what you mean.”
“Well someone round here has sprang a leak, and you look like one of them holy beings to me, so I am guessing it is you!”
“Is there a problem?”
“Yes,” said the flapping duck. “There is water everywhere!”
“Yes. There is. And I want to know who is going to be held accountable for this? I am going to evolve webbed feet if something is not done immediately! A duck has no business having webbed feet!”
The cat suddenly appeared on a small raft. “I would stay out of this if I were you. Today they blame you for the floods; tomorrow it will be the droughts.”
“I am sort of responsible.”
“NEVER admit THAT!” Screeched the cat in sudden alarm. “Sometimes I do not know what is wetter, down here or behind your ears!” The cat drifted off.
“Well?” insisted the duck, splashing a clenched wing into the water. “What you are going to do about this?”
The new god shrugged its shoulders and shuffled its feet. “I don’t think there is anything I can do.”
“I do,” the duck sloshed off, three minutes later returning towing a mop and bucket. “You will be needing these.” The new god took the enormous mop and bucket, and being a nice being, agreed to help with the clean up, but in actuality, ended up doing most of the work.
And it took the new god the rest of the day to mop the waters, until there were some patches of dry land, but only some, as his bucket was full.
The new god made out the shadow of a being hiding in the lunar shades.
“Nice firmament mate.” A being shaped like an egg on stilts stepped into the light.
“Who are you?”
“As you are asking, Grocer’s the name, space time is the game! Take a card, any card!” Grocer fanned out the cards, and the god took one.
“Am I missing something?” Said the cat, playing with a ball of superstring.
Grocer thrust out his hand. The new god shook it. “Looks like you got yourself a full house here mate, no mistakings, you got the blueprints of a beautiful universe here…”
The new god was bewildered. “I do not mean to be rude, what are you talking about?”
“It’s all on the card geezer,” He said shimmying his shoulders.
The new god read the card out loud; “Grocer’s integrated time-space satellite installations.” The new god was nonplussed. “What is an integrated time-space satellite installation?”
Grocer spread his arms, pointing outward to the future. “That, my friend, is the million dollar question. As far as the multi-verse spreads, my systems are there; regulating nature into cycles so perfect you can set your calendar by them. My system can slow time into even the smallest measurements, years, seasons, months; whatever your warping pleasure requires! And I promise an oath, that if in one- millennia evolution has not began selecting its own; you get your space back.” Grocer leant in, in a conspiratorial hunch, and whispered behind his hand. “But if the UPC comes asking, you have never met me.” He winked.
“Who is the UPC?” Asked the new god innocently.
“Universal Planning Council.”
“Never heard of them.”
“You will. Do we have a deal?”
“I suppose, but what do you want from me?”
“Dark matter market mate, it’s the future, trust me!”
“I don’t think I would ever do that.” Said the new god, as Grocer swept up all the new god’s nothing, leaving black holes everywhere.
Life teamed on every planet Grocer had installed with his satellite systems, and the new god thought it was good.
Not everyone agreed.
“YOU!” came a short, sharp command from behind.
“Me?” The new god turned and pointed at himself, as an official being in a black pinstripe suit and highly polished footwear strode towards him. He was carrying a clipboard and a pen; weapons of mass instruction.
“I want a WORD with you.” Barked the official being, coming to a dead stop in front of the new god.
“Have I done something wrong?”
“That all depends, laddie, do you have a licence permitting you to cultivate natural selection?”
The official being put a big cross on his clipboard. “I will take that as a NO. I suppose you do not have a permit for these satellite systems? Have you even registered the firmament?”
“Erm, who are you?”
“I, laddie, am an official of the Universal Planning Council, Pest Control division!”
“Which is what brings me to YOU! There are unlicensed, unapproved, and totally undirected vermin multiplying in the water and skies of at least 300 squatters paradises in your unlicensed hemisphere!”
“You mean the birds and the fishes?”
“And to add to the list of crimes, you are now freely admitting you gave them names!”
“They came with names!”
“You must think I was born on Tuesday. Give me your name!”
“JaAAAHOOWAH!” The small god looked down to see the cat biting into his leg. “That hurts! What are you doing?” The small god whimpered, so quietly the UPC official did not hear.
“Never tell them your name!” And the cat vanished.
“Jaahowa?” The official being scratched his head. “A little unpronounceable for a name isn’t it?”
The new God smiled awkwardly. “I like it.”
“Well, Jaahowa. Regulation Five of Universal Planning Council Amendment Commandment 342 states, and I quote; “All firmament must be registered with the UPC within ONE DAY of creation. Or Else.”
“Or else what?”
“OR ELSE! THAT’S WHAT! Furthermore, separating light from darkness without due authority is a felony! You can lose your omniscience for that!”
“All in all, laddie, they are going to throw the book at you!”
“Look, I am sorry, there has been a terrible mistake here. There really is no need to throw things at me! All I did was sneeze, then light came, then water came and I cleaned it up, then someone called Grocer turned up…”
The official man gasped. “Grocer was here?”
“You know him?”
“He is my nemesis. He is the Chaos to my Order, the darkness to my light, the vice to my versa. Everywhere I go he is always one step ahead of me. I have made an oath to end his anarchy! I will find a way! When was he here.”
“Which way did he go?”
“That way.” The new god pointed right, Grocer had gone left.
“ I will catch him this time! You are one lucky deity! I will give you a warning this time. You have 24 hours to register this firmament through correct channels or I shall return, and any more malarkey from you and you will have about as much power as a parking angel! Do I make myself clear?”
And the official being headed off in completely the wrong direction, in search for his nemesis.
And the cat lounged in a beautiful garden, also flourishing due to Grocer’s system, when a strange occupant grabbed her attention.
“Can I talk to you for a minute.”
The new god appeared out of everywhere. “What is it?”
“See that biped over there, hiding its bits, does he not remind you of someone?”
The new god examined the biped closely. “Whom?”
“You!” Said the cat, “that little thing is the mirror image of you.”
“It looks nothing like me! It looks like a hairless monkey!”
The cat did not want to hurt the new gods feelings; after all, it had not had as much opportunity to look at itself as the cat had. “I think it is coming over.”
“Should I hide?” said the new god nervously, looking for a bush.
“Too late, you’ve been spotted.” The cat watched.
The hairless-monkey being scratched its butt and looked up into the eyes of the new god. “I have been waiting for you master, what is thy bidding?”
“I think they’ve been eating the mushrooms,” said the Cat, looking deep into the monkey-beings wild psychedelic eyes.
“What am I here to do, Lord? What would you like me to do?” The hairless-monkey being fell to its knees in profound worship.
“Go away and stop calling me lord?”
“Am I not made in your image for a reason?”
“You look nothing like me!”
“You made me like you, my master.”
.“I did no such thing.”
“Why did you create me?”
“I didn’t. Hello? Do these creatures know how to listen?”
“Yup, they have definitely been at the mushrooms.” Said the cat, and disappeared
“What is the purpose to life?”
“There isn’t one. It was all a big mistake. Just, go forth and multiply if you can think of nothing better to do. Leave me alone.”
And the little hairless-monkey being grabbed his mate, caught dinner and showed her the first good time on Earth.
And the new god did make a promise never to return to the crazy little rock again.
The cat and the new god sat by a beautiful purple waterfall, watching as the water swallowed and folded into itself while tropical birds bathed in crystal majesty.
The sun was high in the sky, just at the time Grocer had guaranteed it would be, and the snoozing pair felt grateful for the shade of the tree they lounged under.
“Do you have any plans today?”
“No” said the new god “None whatsoever.”
This is a short story re-telling how the world could have been created in 7 days…