i walked sonny this evening to one our favourite places. we walked to the ford where within/without was written, and i recalled how those years back i was thinking then of my brother, before he became unwell, but his life was ruptured and out of sync. then he got sick, and the years changed, and we changed. when i got back to the car, the day was ending, the sliver of moon was clear, a tractor was ploughing still. i sat on the edge of the boot of the car, tickled sonny, and felt sadness come. i sent a text to my brothers old phone number, told him how much i missed him. pointed it to the sky and pressed send. felt overwhelmed for a moment,and just wondered where we go, what happens, and imagined the words would fly out, and circle space forever, in search.
there is a lot of grieving it seems, though i feel strong and happy. but i will miss his presence on this planet for the rest of my life. there is a space that is unfilled, and unfillable.