Lady Moon (Original)
Original version scratched rapidly while inspiration grabbed me, but desparately need editing/rewriting.
Will use this poem as an example for the rewriting lesson for my students. The finished product will be posted here next. Thank you; As with everything on my site brutal commentary is eagerly requested from ALL members and non-members!
See my work rewriting/editing demonstrated for this work; and the edited version when complete as an example for my students of the importance of rewriting. Check back here for links to the related works.
Lady Moon (Original) belongs to the following groups:
!* Dark Cabaret *!, *Paranormal The Norm* (*MUST* have description & *ONLY 2* per day, ! Creative Writing & Poetry !, "Poetry and Beautiful Women" , ***♂♥♥QUORN♥♥♀, all around darkness, All Things Poetic, Artistic, Philosophical, Alt, Blood Red - All things vampiric, Creative, Talented, and Unknown, Dark artists, dark art, Dark Future, Deviant Art Welcome, Fantasy Art, Freedom In Words & Art, HALLOWEEN, Immortal Love, Insomniacs and Other Night Crawlers, Light In The Darkness, Masterpieces: Literary Workshop, Midnight Ramblers, Practising the Dark Arts, Rising Star, Shameless Self-Promotion, The Art of Pain, The beauty of poetry, the love of Eerie and enchanting artwork, Unconventional Artistry - 3 per day, Undead is the New Black, Up & Coming Writers, Verses Dark, Witches, Wizards and Warlocks. and WMGSometimes at night if I’m not in control;
The moon can become quite a hand-full;
In forest’s deep the silver cold light;
Crashes through branches woven tight;
Shadows fall and weave as drunk;
Creating questioning faces on each tree trunk;
Its a night proud for any lycanthrope;
With gravely growl deep in their throat.
Leaves knee deep and pollen floating in air;
The forest corpses lying here and there;
And ghostly shapes ethereal in the mist;
Standing slim and sylvan neither her nor his;
The moon will catch you if you stop and tarry;
And spill your blood for the forest fairies!
Then there’s the moon on the golden shores;
Beach side homes with shut painted blue doors;
This moon may be soft but no less lethal;
Lights pink, blue, green like an artist’s easel;
This warm light that stretches out to you;
Stretches as tight as a celestial tailor;
Might point the finger of a skeletal sailor.
Over the sea the moon can get so big;
While behind you the wind has graves to dig;
The extra large moon dazzles your mind;
And you don’t even sense the gaping hole behind;
It sparkles off a million grains of sand at your toes;
Blinds the eyes, dazzles, reaps and sows.
Night at the beach with the waves song;
It’s natures perfect music: What could be wrong?
But then you’re lulled to peace again;
While the water dryads feast on your skin!
Lastly I love the moon in the city;
The skelter beams, stray dogs and lost kittys;
You see a dozen moons on each pane of glass;
Dazzles the senses until your fantasies crash!
Careful of the moon and speeding stars;
Are nothing more than the lights of passing cars;
And people with the moon bright in their eye;
Love you with tears as they watch you die;
The sweaty city moonlight feels like a salve;
And all the pretty people – what pointy teeth they have!
They have the moon in their hair and the moon on their skin;
On their clothes ad their lips, kissed again and again;
A city of lovely savage predators under the moon;
But each and every one of them her victims too!
The city is where you are closest to Lady Moon;
So close sometimes you want to swoon;
End up in a ditch next to pay phones;
While city trolls crunch on your bones!
So its wise at night to always be wary;
Of that silver lady who can be quite scary;
She’s always right there a child’s delight;
A young girl’s romance; an old man’s fright;
She can be so many things or nothing at all;
Silver in winter and blood red in fall;
Sometimes so far away like a mote in God’s eye;
Then so large she blots out the sky;
No matter what time or phase again and again;
The moonlight will always caress your skin;
And even if you’re on guard or how hard you try;
Lady Moon’s song is a potent lullaby;
Romance, secrets, violence or fall;
Death or a new beginning; She gets to see it all!
It may be safer in the bright sunny day;
But I like it better when the moon comes out to play!
Sinn©2005
kimie
What fantastic writing Sin, riviting reading x
v Sinn v replied
K: have you seen the [pathetic] journal entry regarding the story behind this piece? Thank you so much for the kind words, fantastic and riviting (sic), I could never have hoped for such wonderful adjectives in relation to my work(s). :)!!
btw where did you read this piece? my profile or a group? (which one?)
Thank you so much, un baiser pour chaque mot…
Sinn
-Lilith-
Wicked! Losing control gives such a clear view! So I love it. In Dutch we would say “Dit grijpt je naar je keel” which literaly means “This grabs you by your throat”.
v Sinn v replied
L: WOW… you truly must possess a measure of insight to have seen so clearly into my … method
I’m giog to keep an eye on you and I hope you do the same for me. ;-)
-Lilith-
I sure will. :-)
ROUBLE RUST
v Sinn v replied
Thank you sooo much! I REALLY value and appreciate it whenever I’m featured, this is my second time, so thank you!!!
LTScribble
i love the rhythmic canter of this piece…..lol a poem about the moon from the perspective of a werewolf?.....just love it…......wonderful
v Sinn v replied
to be honest I hadn’t thought of it that way, as a werewolf’s pov. but you know what? whenever someone reads something like that into your work it is VERY gratifying (and awesome!!), so thank you very much!!
JRGarland
First darkside view I’ve read in a long time. I’ll have to see the finished work. Well done.
v Sinn v replied
Thank you sir. You are the first to make mention of my plans to re-write it. I intend on doing it as part of a class for my students, so I think I’ll move it up to next week, I hope you’ll enjoy! Thank you very much.
Elizium
Wonderfully poetic writing v Sinn v…the moon is such an enigma…a constant reminder of our earthly existence…your words conjure up so many images of this solitary planet of the night…
This has also been featured in “Verses Dark”: http://www.redbubble.com/groups/verses-dark …Congratulations
Elizium
Elizium
...Ooops that’s meant to be Verses Dark
Straysod
Some beautiful imaginings, if I may! I love some of the raw nature and latent class that plays with an almost optimistic melancholy… I share your fascination with that soothing Lady Moon!
♥Trena Sheffi...